Broke up with my girlfriend over fears over future, worried now that porn could have contributed

Hey guys,

Lemme start by saying I'm early 20’s and have been in a relationship for ~2 years. Throughout this time I haven't been able to quit although I've cut down quite a bit and had some decent 25-30 day streaks. Although since January I haven't managed beyond 10 days (on day 8 right now).

I broke up with my gf earlier this week as I feared I couldn't give her the future she wanted, got violently ill after (had to call into work due to my stomach rebelling against me and have felt exhausted all week) and cried for 2 days straight. I realised that there was a possibility porn could have contributed to my indecision and the breakup.

There are other problems in our relationship, on both sides, and we have agreed to talk in a month after things calmed down a bit. I did this to give myself a chance to recover enough from porn use to see things clearly again. Im finding that today I'm questioning my continued attraction to her. Saying that, as recent as January i laughed nearly cried with relief as I had sex after a 26 day streak and felt human for the first time in a while.

Ive had some of the best times of my life with this girl and don't want to give up on her, am I flatlining? Or could this be a genuine feeling? For reference my girl has a cute face and a nice smile, I used to love seeing her face first thing in the morning, shes always able to make me laugh and pull me out of anxiousness (exactly what I'm struggling with rn) but has always been out of shape. Ive had worries before but again, have been a porn user the whole time. Im trying really hard rn and sorry if my thoughts are out of order.

Sex has only been an issue when I've been doing badly.

This is my first real breakup and i have never felt pain like it. Any advice is appreciated.

 

the reason for the 30 days is exactly that, to get off porn long enough to stand by the decision i make at the end.

im going monk mode with it. No socials, no nothing and no alcohol. Ive done the numbing thing in the past and I ain't doing that any more. I owe her that much.

ive been meditating for 30 minutes a day to try and see what I actually think regarding the breakup.

Dosnt help that my folks keep saying “if you know you know” and saying I should leave her regardless.

I dont know my own future nevermind anyone elses at 20-odd you know? Hard questions. My parents think i should have an answer rn.

Before anyone asks, she knew about my problem and was my biggest supporter in fixing it, she never got mad or angry at me for it.

 

Meant to say also, ill give some of that anxiety stuff a look, got bullied heavily as a child which seems to have used it but my habits definitely made it worse.

 

My anxiety becomes manageable without porn, its always kinda there, I went 152 days a couple years ago and it was still there simmering under the surface, but its definitely alot easier to deal with. Meditating really helps as well. I lift and paint miniatures as well and that all works to keep my brain quiet when it isn't needed.

Just a quick update, still very up and down on it, but meditating yesterday I unearthed a depth of feeling I hadn't felt since high school, butterflies and stuff, towards my girlfriend. It was nice and also terrifying, whatever im doing is working, still have doubts and worries a
Plenty about the whole relationship sitch (like i said other, albiet smaller i think issues), but the fog is clearing a bit and ive picked up my guitar for the first time since 2021, the energy is crazy. Plus im only on like day 11 of it, I don't wanna call it a streak because id rather not frame it in a way thats temporary but you know what I mean.

The doubts and worries stayed away for almost a day, lets try and get that longer. Thanks for the advice guys, may keep updating this thread.

 

I mean i feel alive again, but i feel a great sense of loss. I think i love (and am attracted to) my girlfriend more than I ever have before right now and the fear of losing her forever (which happens if i lose sight of things and bottle it this time) is a great motivator. Im using the energy to do things I should have been doing a long time ago. Im trying to fix myself up to get to the point where I can see that future with her, and i think im getting there, slowly. I think about her a-lot. Urges have been manageable and my thoughts are purely about her in that regard now.

People seem to just want to talk to me which is interesting. In regards to anxiety, I think a more accurate way to characterise it is a tendency to catastrophise over things, worst possible outcome you know? Its definitely reduced compared to its usual self.

Warhammer wise I'm repainting my entire army from when i was a child, have been since July last year, she used to paint with me, she had no real interest in playing it, but I enjoyed painting with her.

 

Just checking in, may as well use this as some kind of journal, in the process of day 12 right now, focus is very low and anxiety is very high, its been a week without her, I miss her intensely. As much as i think about all of our arguments and differences and problems in the past, when I meditate and my anxiety clears, i feel nothing but love for her for a brief moment, and I think I can just glimpse that future, kindve like an oasis in a sandstorm, then a little bit later, could be a day an hour or a minute, the storm returns and I almost lose sight of it, although im aware its still there. Just gotta ride the tiger anxiety wise and hope it passes soon, its like the porn/anxiety brain is trying to talk me out of trying to fix my relationship. Its horrible and I struggle to identify what thoughts are solid and which are anxiety induced. Cant focus at work but dont really like my job anyway so that could be the problem, typing this while wfh, cleaning up someone elses mess. I hope shes alright, I pray for her every night (Christian) and hope shes sorting her stuff out to.

workout was good last night at least, legs are still agony from the squats.

 

If you dont mind me asking, what stopped you from getting back with that girl? Cause obviously, my problem isnt the only problem, although i believe it caused most of the problems on my end. She has problems on her end, one being a particularly toxic roommate/abusive best friend, who spent the time trying to destroy our relationship/making my gf miserable who she has finally kicked out. Various other issues with communicating and sticking to things as well but whatever, didn't come to shit on her, last person I want to do that to atm. I have a chance to fix things, if its right, I just still an trying to work out if it is. Ive never had a love like this before though, she used to write that “there wasn't enough paper in the world” to write how much she loved me on my valentines cards. I feel like thats worth fighting for

 

Thats what I'm worried about, still on the straight and narrow, day 13. Im in a lot of pain today, urges were high but all i had to do was drag myself out of bed and they faded quick. Theres so many things I never got to do with her, that I only wanted to do with her if that makes sense. We always wanted to go to a dark sky spot and just lie there and look up at the stars. I got her this galaxy light thing for her room so we could do it every night I stayed over but it wasnt the real thing. Im worried that ill never get to do that with her. I have to be sure i haven't thrown something wonderful away because of my problem, but I'm also aware that she had her own issues. Thanks for the encouragement guys, im really trying to reconcile the differences and see a way forward that keeps her in my life, but I'm beginning to worry that might not be in the cards. Still all to play for I guess.

 

Day 14: had some mates over last night, cheered me up a bit, sad to be the only one not drinking. Feeling pretty meh/numb today. Just gotta stay on the level. Off work for the bank holiday. Don't have much to say right now may have later, just a quick update. Feel like I have emotionally exhausted myself yesterday mostly. Hope my gf is getting on ok, and sorting her stuff out. Urges high again, hopefully my emotions return later today.

 

Day 15: officially 2 weeks clean, been months since ive managed that, my emotions are kinda going haywire, Im very erratic, tearing up and missing my girlfriend one minute and then ill be incredibly high energy the next. Kept ticking over, went to Karate and watched a movie with my flatmate. Kept up my habits. No real plans today, gonna try crank out some chaos marines IG, too much gray plastic. Urges are still pretty high, but the whole fixing my relationship thing is still over powering it.

Started taking cold showers a few days ago as well, just 3 minutes after my regular shower, imagine thats doing something. At the very least its waking me up.