Why can’t i change?

Having this addiction for 15+ years I have realized you never conquer it. You always have the urge, the better you make your life the better you can resist it. When you have a bad day and relapse you should learn every time what lead you and made you to relapse so you can be stronger for next time. The problem is when you are depressed and every day is a bad day. It's worse than death since you're stuck in the loop and feel you can't get out. You numb yourself more and more and it still does not help. So basically you gotta fix your finances, eat, sleep health and relationships then you'll stand a better chance of resisting. Hard truth but truth after all.

 

Well, start fixing your life. There ain't no other way. Do you have a stable income enough for a house and 2 kids? Do you have less than 20% body fat and look good naked? Do you eat and sleep well? Do you have a good social network of friends and family who support and inspire you? Do you have a woman who you can trust and fulfills your emotional and sexual needs? Just by doing those things you'll set up your life to be good and the need for porn will diminish. Won't disappear it will always be there but will diminish. So start working on it. Spoiler: it's gonna take YEARS. I myself have not achieved the listed above but I slowly learn to enjoy the process and when i look each day that I have completed it motivates me and I'm guilt free and can sleep at night. But when I fap all day and do 0 and i mean 0 even worse then 0 in a day that actually negatively impacts me guess how I feel? Depressed So, do those things that set you up for a good life first then if you reallly still have porn issues, well it might be a deeper psychological problem who knows? You gotta keep a diary talk to therapist and trusted close people. but my suggestion is first focus on making your life good. that's all.

 

Sexual energy is creative energy, right? It's telling us it wants to create, so get creative. That could be music, writing, craftsmanship, business or whatever you are enthusiastic about. Do this and more people will come into your life. Including girls. Just sayin!

 

Hey brother, I see you struggling with the fight. I relate to that experience a lot since I went through a phase of just not having the will to try anymore, and not knowing what to do about that! I am still early in recovery, but I have made small improvements, and even when I relapse I am still building momentum and improving my mindset. I know for myself that, truly, I want this and that I will accomplish freedom. So even if I make mistakes, I am going to keep trying and learning.

If you are like me, you know deep down, no matter how much your addict self whines or begs, that porn isn't healthy, and not what you want in your life. The part of you that knows this to be true though isn't always in charge. In fact I think it's usually just another of many voices. Journaling is a really good way to let the voices have their say, let that part of you that likes and enjoys porn, that may even see nothing wrong with it have it's say, then let the other part of you talk in response. I've felt that's helped me over time at least.

Even if that isn't your thing, keep trying. If you feel like you just aren't in the fight anymore, then figure out why and try a new method. I got stuck for months, like over half a year trying the same method over and over again. I had another three or so months after doing that where I just didn't do anything for recovery(big mistake). All the while I knew that it was still wrong, and that I deeply wanted to quit. It eventually came to a point and I started to try something new. If that seemed to not be making headway, I'd look for a while and find something different. I think the biggest thing is that you are doing things daily that make you just a little more in the fight. If you are half-hearted, then that is the thing that you need to work on. It's not a quick fix, at least it's never been for me, but with daily effort, you will start to feel a shift.

 

....bro.....bro....bro.......first of all, you don't have anything like defensive mechanisms...in other words a defensive strategy to ward off urges when they come.you have to arm yourself with these defenses...or else you're just doing it by will power and that shit don't work! One thing that you have available immediately is reaching out to us here...BEFORE you screw up. and relapse...it's at the upper top right of the page...the panic button...use it!! You'll get support and be given tools to resist that urge...but this only works before you relapse....(saying it again).Plus,be active here.....share......get suggestions as to how to combat these urges;Also get involved with,like someone already said,the 12 step program here. I don't think you're weak bro...but you do need emotional ammunition the program can give you....dammit....reach out....share more...get more involved. The same emotional arousals we get from these negartive urges are like one's dealing with very powerful addictive drugs bro...they swoop up at times with no warning ...and if we're not prepared with the arsenal the program gives us,we fall. I'm here for you bro...you're not alone in this...never....

 

A big problem is that sexuality is built into our DNA/biology/soul system… so after a certain number of days, and as the prostate becomes more filled with semen, then the “sexuality process” in our mind/body starts to give us problems.. and we relapse!

so don’t feel too bad about yourself please! It’s not entirely your fault.. just like a person shouldn’t dislike himself because he is a certain race… he was just born like that!

now, if you can go another 20 days without PMO/MO, that will be really good

if you can decrease the amount of PMO days, then you are doing alright..

Personally, I make a calendar and mark each day as success or failure, and tally up at the end of the month!

 

The shame/guilt/anger is just a tool to show you that what you are doing (pmo) is not a good path in your life.. it’s just instincts (in my opinion) trying to direct you towards a better path. If you were happy doing PMO, then you wouldn’t feel these bad after effect feelings

Also, by doing PMO or MO, you are damaging your body and mind..

These are just some of my opinions.
I haven’t conquered masturbation yet myself either though

 

Hi. I don't know how much research you have done into the neuroscience behind addiction, but there is a reason you are constantly tempted to relapse. One reality for anyone trying to quit an addiction is that once the brain gets the dopamine reward from anything addictive--drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, gambling--the brain employs a mechanism for, essentially, making it impossible to forget the X produced the dopamine reward. The mechanism is DeltaFosB. A neuroscientist would explain DeltaFosB in a much more complicated way, but, essentially, it is the mechanism in the brain that makes it impossible to forget where we get a dopamine reward. You get a dopamine reward from viewing porn (the reward, naturally, is given in response to sexual thoughts, seeking sex, having sex, and orgasm). Once you get the reward the human brain finds it impossible to forget where it got it, and it wants to get back to that for more of the reward.

This information will not fix your addiction, but knowing the brain mechanics of addiction was greatly helpful for me in fixing mine.

Like many who find they have a problem quitting, I thought "I have a problem with porn" or "I am addicted to porn." Those concepts are not entirely wrong, but more accurately, we have problem using porn to achieve a dopamine high. The dopamine high does not actually come from watching porn, it is that watching porn causes to think about sex, and thinking about sex causes a dopamine high. In nature, no problem, but porn and modern society allows for a non stop dopamine high for hours every day. A little bit of a dopamine high: Good. Non stop dopamine high: addiction.

If you will take enough time to study the problem you will make procgress Also, do not quit porn passively. Quitting the addiction, a man quitting porn, must be how you define yourself in the quitting phase. In the quitting phase, quitting cannot be a part time side gig; it has to be your full time job, who you are.

Much love.

WilliamOneAndDone

 

To quit porn you only need to change one thing, Everything!

 

I’ve asked myself this question before. Even before relapsing I’ve even told myself that this is who I am - I’m addicted to this content. But I now know that’s not true. No one who has registered here can’t change. If we couldn’t we never would have registered. The desire to change wouldn’t be in us, but because it is - that’s proof that we can. This includes you OP.

 

....have you used the panic button here? Of course, do it before you sucumb to an urge

 

Besides not looking at porn what else in your life have you changed? The only way to quit porn or any addiction is to fix the things that are causing you to run to porn for an escape and to feel relief. Figure out what makes you want to look at porn and fix it.
Common things that need to be fixed are stress (what's causing stress in your life?) boredom, loneliness, horniness, and just about any other uncomfortable emotion that you can think of. Start working on your problems and the desire to look at porn should start to fade away.

 

The book Your Brain on Porn says it best "but perhaps you feel as if you are on autopilot, or someone else is controlling your brain" I am convinced this is exactly what is happening to us just before a relapse. It may not be any individual person controlling us but collectively all the porn we have seen before takes hold of our higher functioning and forces us to look. I am sorry to say that no panic button will cross the mind of someone in such a state. This is a battle that must be won on the inside and I feel 99% of us won't ever truly recover. That is the nature of this war we are in. That is not to discourage anyone of course, even if every member of our forum did cure themselves of addiction it was still be less than 1% of total human population that did it.

So keep in mind that it is not your fault OP. You can change, it is just going to be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. And I know that because I am in your same position.

 

So much pessimism here. I dont agree with it, but respect people have different views.

As someone who has conquered intense addiction before, I can tell you it *is* possible. I used to live for alcohol and was a horrible drunk. I havent touched a bottle in years. I can go to parties with booze all around me and I just say "I dont drink" and thats the end of it. I live near multiple liquor stores and I feel no urge to drown myself in a bottle of vodka like I used to.

You can beat addictions.

It's not easy. It takes time and a LOT of work.

Lets not give ourselves excuses that set us up for failure. Many people have beaten PMO addiction and we can learn from them and follow in their footsteps, with the support of one another