New journal

Day 317 - good meetings last night with some positive feedback, which is very reassuring. Have a planning session this afternoon and a good time to prepare for the last few meetings tomorrow. Already counting down the days until my next break for Easter. Have plans in place for my wife’s birthday which is next month - just hope they can come to fruition.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Good meetings
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Plans made
Little disruption
Cuddles

 

Day 318 - planning session went well. Another evening of meetings and it will be a later finish today.

As an aside, one of the things that I have started to do more as a way to keep myself occupied is baking. I’ve always enjoyed cooking and making things but this time I feel like I’m approaching it in a different way. I enjoy making things for my family - though if it doesn’t go right, I do feel a knock on my motivation. However, I’m beginning to build up a good collection of favourite recipes now. Also it means that puddings are available and I often find these are the most costly thing on my shopping list. Anything to cut down costs, eh?

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Plans made
Supportive team

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Good meetings
Solutions

 

Day 319 - meetings went well but it was a long night. Not been eating particularly healthily this week due to this. Hoping that this will now revert back to how we have been doing. More making stuff from scratch is also proving to be more affordable as well, which helps my finance anxiety.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Meetings went well
Sunshine

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Day goes quickly
More sleep

 

Day 322 - another nice weekend. Ended up going into the city yesterday with wife and daughter to a vintage fair as there wasn’t really anything else happening. There wasn’t much to see but it was nice to get out. Went to a museum afterwards and met up with stepson on way back. Nine working days until my next break and I’m feeling fairly positive. There are rumours abound that I will be moving departments soon - if they are true I welcome it. I have been in the same space for six years nearly. It’s time for a new focus.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Nice days out
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Jobs done
Cuddles
Stress free

 

Day 323 - yesterday was quite a trying day at work. Things got done but there was quite a lot of disruption caused by a member of the team who just needs more support. Problem is the bodies just aren’t there! My wife had a very stressful time as well, so felt very tired towards the end of the day. Still only eight working days left, although there is a lot to do in those eight days.

Things I am grateful for:
My amazing wife
Jobs done
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Less disruption
Jobs done
Cuddles

 

Day 324 - got a lot done yesterday. Team member who was disrupting a lot the other day was slightly calmer but still needs real support in several areas. Hoping to catch one of my superiors to discuss this at some point today. Our weekly planning session today but I’ve already done a lot of work towards it so feeling upbeat that other projects can be looked at during that session too. Overall just looking forward to the weekend.

Things I’m grateful for:
My amazing wife
Jobs done
Good food

Things I hope for today:
Plans made
Cuddles
Better sleep

 

Ultimately I realised that if I didn’t change something in my life I would lose everything important to me in my life. I started off with counselling and may well go back to it at some stage - it was a real release. I imposed a strict screen time ban on myself - when I come in from work the phone goes on the side unless absolutely necessary. I found other things to keep me occupied - I do more baking and cooking from scratch now than I used to. But, as I said, the biggest motivation is my wife. I cannot tell you how unbelievably lucky I am to have such a supportive, amazing person. She really is my rock. Despite all the shit I have put her through, she is there for me because she genuinely sees something in me that I struggle to see in myself. When you have a support like that, it’s really a no-brainer.

 

Day 326 - yesterday was a very long day. We had a team working party outside of the office and the travel back took longer than it should have done. Managed to get some sleep, but was concerned that my wife was upset about something. She didn’t say and it’s possible that I am just trying to connect dots that aren’t actually there, but my brain decided to move them around anyway. Just want to get today done and then it’s the weekend.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Friday
Five working days left till next break

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Understanding
Better sleep

 

Day 330 - been a while since I posted. Weekend went well, nice family celebrations. My wife has a stressful couple of days with a big work event and so I’m doing whatever I can to support her. Hopefully she sees this and is grateful for it, but also hopefully I don’t push it too far. Her birthday is coming up and so I have started to make plans as to what to get her but also what I can comfortably afford to get her. I don’t want it to play on my financial anxieties, as the two week break we will be taking at the end of this week will no doubt put pressure on my attempts to look positively at the world.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Nice weekend
Plans made

Things I hope for today:
I am supportive
Less stress
Cuddles

 

Day 332 - last day of work for me and my wife before a two week break. Already have some plans for what we are going to do over these days, but the back of my mind is playing the financial card yet again. I can’t afford to over spend at all. But then this puts pressure on my wife in terms of her having to pay for eating out. Basically, it’s all a mess of my own making. When I try to talk about it with her I come across in the wrong way or choose the wrong moment.

Things I am grateful for:
My wonderful wife
Last day
Plans made

Things I hope for today:
Jobs done
Cuddles
Less stress

 

Day 333 - yesterday went okay but there were still things left to be done which means I will need to work at some point over the two week break. I don’t mind this, really, as it means I can try to get ahead with some things as well. My colleague who I work with at the moment seems to think the opposite - that I work too much. Personally, there are other people where we work who used to think exactly the same about him so maybe he just needs a kick up the backside by higher up.

We went out for dinner last night but my stepson was being fairly obnoxious in his teenager way towards my wife and I could tell it was getting her down. Hopefully I will be able to sort out her birthday presents over the next couple of days. Had another financial anxiety wobble last night and had to go back and do my calculations again. It’s getting boring now but I think it’s becoming one of those things that is borderline obsessive. I need to address it.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Two week break
Most jobs done

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Chance to switch off
Better sleep

 

Day 337 - so the Easter weekend has been and gone and now we are on our two week break from work. It’s been a good start in more ways than one. Today bills were paid and I’m not feeling the usual financial anxiety attacks - I think because I’ve been super careful of the budgeting so far. I have also used discounts, vouchers and other methods to make sure I can give my wife a nice birthday in a couple of weeks time.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Cuddles
Bills paid

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Nice day out
Time to relax

 

Day 338 - spent yesterday out with family and parents. As an aside, bit of a situation developing between my wife and members of her family. I know my job is to be supportive towards her whatever she decides to do. I hope that she feels I am behind her. No real plans for today so hoping to chill but also catch up on a few work related tasks that will mean I am ahead of the game when I return after the break.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Nice family days
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Jobs done
No stress

 

Day 339 - had a day at home yesterday which I know my wife wasn’t particularly fond of. She prefers going out and not staying in all day which I totally get. We have made more plans for the rest of our two week break - I also have plans for the last day for just her and me, which she doesn’t know about, as a pre-birthday surprise.

I wonder if other people have this issue - I find myself “oggling” my wife a lot. She is stunning - absolutely gorgeous and I am an incredibly lucky man that she should find me as attractive as she does, I know that. I think she worries that the way I look at her sometimes is reducing her to a piece of meat, and I get that, but I find myself trying to justify it because she just looks amazing and I want to look at her. Is this a common issue people are having?

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Good food
Plans made

Things I hope for today:
Nice day out
Less rain
Cuddles

 

I think upon reflection I can relate to what you say. Had the PMO not become such an issue, she may not have even minded as much (potentially) but still it’s not great. Part of the reason why I love her is everything about her - not just the physical side - and our recovery through this has to reflect that on my part.