Finally rebooting after 20 years of addiction

Sharing journey, seeking support and community.

Background:

• Age: mid-30s
• Started interest in porn age ~10. Found adult channels and felt compelled to seek explicit images.
• Access to high speed internet accelerated habit starting age 12-13. Fapping multiple times a week.
• Spurred onwards by a culture of discussing explicit material with close friends at school, age ~10 through ~15.
  
• Always had some element of porn related fantasy when with real partners, and occasional difficulty orgasming without fantasy. This always caused me some distress.
• Tried to break addiction multiple times age 17 through 28. Tried 'elastic band around wrist', accountability partner, day counting, etc. Always found myself relapsing at 2-3 weeks.
• Found it difficult to 'naturally' MO from age 21 onwards. Needed either P or a real world sexual encounter.
• Porn related fantasies poured into my real world sexual experiences. I desperately wanted to emulate what I was seeing in porn, finding real experiences tame in comparison.
• PMO became a quick-fix stress relief, like a cigarette for smokers.
• Escalated towards more and more extreme porn to get the same fix over the last 15 years. Also escalated towards longer viewing sessions without O.
• Was spending at least 5 hours a week on PMO.
• For the last several years felt lower motivation to get up in the morning, exercise, etc.
• Hiding my habit from absolutely everyone around me.

Escalation

• Hit a breaking point 6 months ago. After an intense period of fapping the next day the head of my penis broke out in an uncomfortable rash.
• Started a multiple-month journey of doctors prescribing all kinds of creams (anti-fungal, anti-inflammatory), I'm sure many of which were doing more harm than good. Rash got worse.
• Initially was not able to stop PMO during the early months of this problem, which caused more harm.
• Eventually connected the dots that MO was damaging the skin and that even getting an erection might be damaging. Found myself in a rut of alternately gooning to porn for uncomfortably long, and then caving into MO sometime in the next few days.
• Reached conclusion that all aspects of the cycle had caused significant mental and physical damage.
• Meanwhile, doctor did find a bacterial infection in the skin on the head of my penis which possibly had colonized the damaged skin. Commenced antibiotic cream, but between that and the anti inflammatory, have experienced skin peeling, sensitivity, and skin discoloration. I'm expecting it might take many months for the skin there to go back to 'normal' given what it's been through.

Reboot

• Started a soft reboot (no viewing porn) 79 days ago. This is the longest I have ever gone in my life since I can remember.
• MO was still a dangerous presence in my life, causing significant physical setbacks each time I gave in. Have been increasing abstinence (no MO) for the last 5 months, going from 2-3 days, to 5 days, to 7 days, to 21 (longest streak ever). Had a relapse at 21 and currently on day 16.
• I've started exercising 3x a week, feeling more motivation, feeling less exhausted in mornings.
• Penis rash is slowly, slowly recovering. It seems many irritants can 'set it off', from heat (e.g. shower, tight clothes), to any moisture from urine, to moisturizer, to friction from MO. It feels unreal that I was able to fap once a day for 17 years with no adverse physical outcome — and now it's sensitive/damaged to the point where rash flares up at any irritation.

What's helped?

• I didn't realize how bad the adverse mental effects had gotten, as they slowly crept up on me over nearly two decades. However, the adverse physical effects were a rude wake up call that this addiction had gotten way out of hand. I really hope others don't have to get as far as I did.
• Put an adult filter on my phone browser.
• Set strict social media app limits. Notably Instagram where the 'explore' page is a softcore gateway.
• Discovered nofap. Rediscovered Your Brain On Porn (found a version of it almost 10 years ago but foolishly brushed it off as evangelical religious rubbish).
• Meditating.
• Exercising.
• Started tracking streaks.
• Including non-PMO streaks (e.g. weeks with exercise, days meditated).
• Leaning into other joys of life.

Goals

• No PMO Goal: the entire year with no porn. I can do this.
• No MO Goal: not sure, open to input. This seems as much about healing my mental circuits as it is avoiding further physical damage. Current goal is 30 days. To be honest, don't feel the urge anymore, which is great.

Looking for

• Support
• Encouragement
• Understanding
• Community

 

Appreciate your reply

From what I've read, compulsive MO is just as much part of the addiction cycle as P. My experience unwinding was that P was easier to stop but my body still aggressively craved MO for some time — in what felt unhealthy and compulsive. Now that too feels like it is resetting.

You bet, will keep this updated.

 

I dont think so. I have had mental and physical pangs like a need to view, or failing that, simply THINK about explicit material. Those feel mostly gone now. Hope I’m not about to hit some new flatline or PAWS!

Thanks, appreciate your support

Absolutely, the chase was out of hand

I’m certainly trying to see the rash ‘glass half full’. It was the wake up call I needed. It has been a chronic and bad medical ride with several offshoot complications (UTI among others) but I’m keeping faith that these are non permanent physical setbacks. And I hope others don’t get as far gone as I did.

As for the no MO goal, my urologist gave me a clear answer there - at least 90 days, full abstinence, to let all skin and systems fully heal. So here I am day 17. Onwards.

 

Framing is everything. And you’re absolutely right, it’s not just ourselves but the people close to us who we need to think carefully about.

How are you doing now?

It’s hard to look back on my usage as moderate but I suppose things vary person to person on frequency, intensity, etc and it’s all relative. I'm glad to have finally made this decision for sure.

 

Checking in for day 21 no MO. Tomorrow would mark the longest I’ve gone ever. Not feeling porn urges which is good.

 

Approaching day 30 no PMO or MO. Somehow it feels like time is slowing down as I get closer to D30. Maybe because I know it’s the longest I’ve ever gone. Maybe because 90 days feels like an eternity at this pace! Or maybe because my physical symptom recovery feels slow.

Occasionally I find myself reflecting on the fact that orgasm and opioid receptors are connected and I wonder if this addiction is in some way like being hooked on and recovering from opiates. Wish I could let my past self know!

My mind certainly feels like it’s wandering less each day. Patience and gratitude focused meditation is a big help.