Ulysses Resists - Ongoing Journal

Thanks for the link I had never head that acronym before. I printed that one out.

 

Whenever I get a long stretch of sobriety, I seem to get troubled by being up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep until I end up giving into porn and fantasy. I really believe the solution is to stop giving in. When you brain gets used to not getting a fix in the middle of the night, it will stop looking for it.

Here's what I've learned about supplements. I was addicted to over the counter sleeping pills for about 5 years, they made me miserable and left me in a constant brain fog and they only helped partially. I finally weened myself of them last year. At the same time, I learned about Dr. Davis and Probiotics effect on gut health and sleep. Right now, I still wake up after 4 hours, but if I'm taking the probiotics I'm usually wiped out enough to go back to sleep for 2-3 more hours. When I don't have the balance right, I may be up tossing and turning for a few hours. I do recommend the Supergut book, you can also look up his recipes online. If you have leaky gut that may also be causing restlessness. The yogurt he recommends can fix that.

My other posts:
Re Insomnia: I'm sleeping good again. 9 Days sober. I had been using a probiotic that does put me out pretty well. I learned this from Dr. William Davis (Supergut). Recipe: Make your own yogurt, with a yogurt maker (I use one that makes 8 6oz jars.), combine half and half, 1 container of Yakult (the starter yogurt, it's not strong enough unless you ferment it yourself), add 1 TB of inulin or potato starch. Leave it on for 24 hours at 36 Celsius. Take it before bed and it does knock you out. Eventually you adapt and it won't work as well. If that happens, stop for a week and then restart. He doesn't mention yakult in the book, but I heard it on his podcast. He does have another recipe for L reuteri yogurt which is really good for testosterone, and fixing leaky guy.

Hope it helps. Re: ancestral, the L reuteri, is supposedly a probiotic that is lost in the west, but used to be very common. It is common still in hunter gather regions. His point is that because of modern medicine and diet we are missing this critical microbe, that was common for centuries and that restoring it has deep benefits to our gut, hormones, and general health. I did notice when I started this, my dreams would be deeper and more vivid. I also noticed that a lot of my acid reflux symptoms went away. I do recommend Supergut. My routine is I take the L reuteri in the AM and the yakult (my homemade yogurt, not the drink) before bed.

If this isn't working, I may try an occasional melatonin or night time cold med, but I know I can't get dependent on those because they will make me feel worse in the long run.

 

It looks like my previous post concerning my story and take on unwanted sam3 s3x @ttraction was deleted. It was at this spot in my personal journal under the Christian forum. I'm really not sure what was offensive. I shared my personal story with chronic childhood bullying and how I thought the bullying, my passive temperament, and chronic porn use nurtured those desires. After recovery and abstinence, I'm able to look at men in a way that doesn't objectify them. The following post explains my journey with BD$M.

I also shared how desire for something does not necessarily equal your identity. My identity is much more than what I do in my bedroom or what my desires are for, my identity is in who I am as a person (father, husband, brother, friend, professional). As a Christian, my primary identity is in Christ, I am a child of God. Apparently, we are not allowed to talk about our struggles and victories over these desires here or to state a common sense or faith based convictions on this subject. You can see more of the origins of my story here in my recovery testimony. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/ulysses-resists-ongoing-journal.356154/page-3#post-3740472

I'll write more on this subject in later posts. You can Direct Message me if you want to talk about it more.

 

Re: BDS_ and Fetishes:

See the previous post for more context.

Spoiler: BDS_ Content

As I got further into porn, I gravitated toward male bon_age. I think this was partially due to the fact that torment and bullying was the only form of male bonding I had a child. The other part of my fantasy is that by suffering and enduring pain or seduction, I was somehow proving both my strength and desirability. This became such an obsession, that I gravitated toward more and more violent, pagan, and demonic porn. It became the ultimate masculine affirmation to my warped mind, but the irony is that it was actually robbing me of my masculinity, testosterone, and strength. These fantasies made me more and more passive, weak, and emasculated.

I know I will always have a weakness for these fetishes, but now I'm learning to resist them. I'm learning that the strength I crave as a man is actually physically, spiritually, and mentally robbed of me when I practice PMO. I'm learning that the same demonic spirits that bullied me, hated me, and only sought to boost their ego by dominating me, are the same evil spirits behind the porn that I seek and the predators in that porn, and the real life predators out there (yes, there are some on this site too, so be careful). I'm also learning that the more I resist this and fight this, the more my mind is clear, and free, and I can actually feel proper disgust for these fetishes and proper desire for my wife.

One technique I also use now when the old fantasy comes to mind intrusively, is I change the fantasy. Instead of getting trapped, I imagine myself or the victim fighting back, breaking free, or being released by Jesus from the shackles. This changes the mental programming.

I heard just yesterday in a podcast that the root word is from paganism creating articles or idols to use in worship of pagan gods. https://www.etymonline.com/word/fetish That actually sheds a lot of light on this for me. I always felt these fetishes were if nothing else kinky and dirty, but I think the root of it at least for me, is pagan worship. My particular fetish is used at least in my fantasy to sacrifice or give myself over to a demonic person or being. For myself, giving into this even in marital play is giving the devil a foothold. It's actually having my wife play a role that is sinister. Been there and done that. I somehow felt I needed this fetish for male validation, although it is ultimately an emasculating fetish. It helps me to think these things through, look at what my mind is trying to do, why it wants to go there, and where it leads to disarm it. Otherwise, it was just so compelling, I couldn't resist. It also helps me because I see how this is a trap set there by the enemy and to know he only wants to steal, hurt, and destroy.

Another interesting quote I heard on that podcast is that morally, being a victim is better than victimizing. Somehow my fetish was operating at that level, where if I was the victim, then I could enjoy the pleasure and not feel guilty about it because it was forced on me (The truth is nothing was forced on me, I willingly gave into all of those fetishes). But to victimize another meant that I was the evil one, the monster, or the villain. The truth is God doesn't want us to be either. He wants us to be the hero. We are to resist and fight evil, and also protect the weak (which includes myself).

 

This is the second day I'm alone at home without my wife. So far I am making good decisions and using the time and energy to get projects done and work on my recovery. Here is some of my work from Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Compare your view of God and your view of your father: I know God is powerful and can help me, but my problem has always been "will He?" or more correctly "does He care?" This is partially based on my view of my father, who was there, but I seldom felt like he cared if I was being mistreated or bullied. Both God and my father have been there for me and I know they do love me.

In what ways are you ready to turn this over to God: I’m ready to let go of these fantasies that are dehumanizing, emasculating, and demonic. I ready to let go of masturbation. I’m ready to let go of sex. I’ve have idolized sex all my life.

What does restored Sanity look like: For me being restored to sanity looks like being clear minded, able to see the long-term consequences, choosing what will benefit me physically, mentally, and spiritually in the long term. Choosing God’s way, even though my flesh wants it’s own way. Choosing the joy of sanity.

How have your past expectations been unrealistic: When I give into PMO, I think I can keep giving in and no one will notice. I think I’ll never get caught. I think I can pull myself back up easily. I think it’s doing no harm to me or my family. I think the spiritual consequences can easily be undone by the power of Christ.

How has trusting your own feelings gotten you in trouble: I assumed I could entertain these fantasies for moment on a business trip or when alone, and no one would see. I eventually become so addicted I make careless decisions, and people find out, or my wife just seems to know.

How can your Higher Power restore you to sanity: Following Christ’s teaching leads to self control, holiness, redemption, and forgiveness. The Holy Spirit gives us power to resist and speaks God’s truth to our hearts. Forgiveness gives us a second chance and removes our guilt.

Step 3: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/ulysses-resists-ongoing-journal.356154/page-3#post-3731921

 

Thank you Tao, I appreciate your support.

 

I've been following an episcopal podcaster David Patrick Harry and posted his long podcast on Semen Retention before. His podcast are long, but what is interesting is he is a devout orthodox Christian, but he is also a expert (Phd) in eastern religious, Taoism, Buddhism, etc. and also occult practices. Anyway, some interesting stuff for the spiritual and intellectual. What hit me last night was a podcast on how military has used ESP/SRI (more accurately demonic) mind control to not only get intelligence but control and manipulate people. Conspiracy theories aside, he had a comment about mind control that I had never heard before but makes sense. He said that in these mind control experiments when the subject in fully in touch with the occult, often they are aroused and will orgasm. He said there are two parts of the brain that are virtually always separated and not in contact with each other, unless there is orgasm. Thus, when a person orgasms, they are most receptive to mind control, demonic control, and mental alterations. This totally makes sense to me as to how porn warps our minds, makes us crave things we otherwise wouldn't, and opens us up to the demonic. I'm wondering if anyone else has ever heard of this?

Here are the podcasts, if you are interested.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/75i4ckgGwsFNn3ZYWk40iq?si=b3i1FGxKS3KFAYWUm07k6Q
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1Zv0olGMqSzjAOj1JFEvx8?si=urA6pJ0XSTuZQ8DsXo6ngg

 

3rd night with my wife away. I'm holding fast to my boundaries. Last night I was up at 0100 and it took me about an hour to get back to sleep, but I did. Keeping my mind focused on Christ and my hands off my crotch is key. I also realize I need to pray for Christ's help, resist the devil (and he will flee), and bind and cast out any demons that may be forcing some intrusive thoughts.

James 4:6-10 And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say,
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. 9Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.
Matthew 18:18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

 

I'm 5 days in without PMO or fantasies while my wife is out of town. The temptation hasn't been too hard. I'm keeping busy, being productive. Sleep has surprisingly been good. I think I had enough habit time of not engaging in MO or fantasy when I wake up, so the dopamine habit broke and now I'm getting rest. All and all, really happy with abstaining and not wanting to give up the benefits.

I've been posting on other threads. Had some good discussions about being married with same sex attraction. This is an important point I had about SSA. To me the attraction is not necessarily sexual. Most of the time, I think it's a natural admiration, desire to know as a friend, desire for a missing brother or father figure, but when it crosses over to envy (wanting something that is not mine) that is where it crosses over to sin for me leads to sexualization and objectification. Of course all the Porn I've consumed has trained my mind to go there. Sometimes it's hard to know where my mind is and to know the difference, but I think it helps to look at what the desire really is, look at roots, look at its fruits and where it leads, ask myself, is that really what I want? If I think it through the answer is no. If I can just stop myself with an honest recognition: "That guy is really jacked, I want to work hard to look more like that. Maybe I can ask him for help with my routine." Is a much healthier frame of mind.

 

I'm going to make this an ongoing post of resources. I'm constantly hearing about men's and addiction resources online through podcasts, and I'm going to link them here:

Celebrate Recovery - Christian based step program.
Covenant Eyes - Accountability and Filtering Software
https://www.theresstillhope.org/mens-groups Has online support groups. Also look up his recovery rules. Very practical.
App called Purity Coach - provides scriptures for facing an array of temptations.
Fortify - an app and web site where you can record daily journals, and receive teaching about porn and addiction recovery.
This is a really great lesson from them: https://app.joinfortify.com/learn/journeys/52/105

Online and local groups.

• Samson Society is for men
• SHE Recovery is for women
• Re:generation Recovery is for men and women
• Celebrate Recovery is for men and women
• https://puredesire.org/

 

Yes, and with admiration, I can turn these desires into more a natural feelings that I would have in common with other straight men, and not twist it into some perverted sexual thing.

 

Day 27. Still holding fast and amazingly, I'm still sleeping well after a week without any sexual activity with my wife and being alone in my house, left to my own willpower and God's Strength. Yesterday, I was down and depressed in the evening. I think I was missing my wife and child. I'm also a little anxious in that I need to find a new job this year and am a little worried about that.

Last night I was discussing on another thread the concept of SSA and perceived need to act out. It dawned on me that no one has a need to act out in any lust. We all have moral agency and can and should resist. There is no special type of person who can't resist because of a special need. Secondly, this concept is closely related to envy. We want something we cannot have, we think we are entitled to it (because it is a need). Then at best we will act out, at worst it leads to sins such as theft, seduction, rape, and murder. Because of this progression, it is easy to see why "do not envy" is one of the 10 commandments. I'm curious if anyone else has thoughts on this.