Anyone else struggle with PMO but without feelings of attraction?

Perhaps an odd thing to bring up, I don't know... but I've noticed that when it comes to being tempted, I have found I wrestle more with fantasies and sexual scenarios rather than my attraction to any individual.

There's a lot of discussion here about wrestling with being tempted by beautiful women or what they are wearing, but I've never found that to be the case for me when it comes to attractive men (or even women for that matter, since I think I have a bit of same-sex attraction due to porn). I find myself more drawn to the "story" or scenario of a pornographic fantasy with little to no regard of anyone's appearances or gender. It seems that as long as its sexual, I'm on board and I don't seem to care who is or isn't pretty. Finding someone attractive doesn't send me straight to lust for whatever reason.

I find it difficult to relate to people when they discuss being thrown off guard by seeing an attractive person. It has to be a pornographic or fantasy scenario only. I'm just curious if others feel the same...? Has PMO made me dull to these things?

 

I wondered that; it's possible. A generalization for sure, and there's more overlap than not, but it is definitely based in reality. It's a mix of biology and how the different sexes are raised and how they are taught to think about the opposite sex.

 

That's very true, lust is lust. I guess it makes little difference. I was just curious because I'm uncertain of what is normal to feel since I've wrestled with this even as a child. The line is blurry as to where my development has been affected. Sometimes I don't know what kinds of "tastes" are unhealthy or unusual. I don't want to have relationship or attachment issues I'm unaware of, for instance.

Either way, whatever it is I'm navigating isn't helped by PMO. I suppose God will keep healing me and showing me where things have gone off track.

 

Thank you for sharing, this is very insightful.
It all boils down to our sinful and/or misplaced desires. It seems that from the Genesis account of God making desirable trees that it is not wrong to find something desirable or to have desire, but we can have the wrong kinds of desire that make it wrong.

It keeps being said on these forums that PMO boils down to an incorrect attempt to meet an innate desire that can only be properly met in a godly way. It's so simple, but so difficult to learn and adopt in everyday life. It's a cross to carry every day.

 

I think it really involves changing my thoughts for me. Although porn introduced me to PMO as a kid and pretty much ruined me since, I actually don't struggle with literally looking at porn for the most part. It's pretty rare I will look anything up and seek visual stimulation (although it has happened, so I can't say I'm completely non-visual). I still use the full term PMO in my journal and posts because I find it more helpful and all-encompassing.
I think my addiction is more deeply rooted in unmet emotional needs and negative relationship experiences from the past, with most of my fantasies making me out to be someone who is sexually desirable to someone else, and therefore my need is "met" by finally being "wanted" and "loved" in my fantasies. I don't spend much time building a profile for the fantasy person. Sometimes male, sometimes female, one person, many people, often with no specific appearance in mind. It's just the idea of being wanted and pursued sexually. Of course I know that sex doesn't necessarily equal love but my brain is still unlearning that. My inability to dissociate sexual pleasure and physical touch with emotional fulfillment and love is my main hangup. I think that's what I've been learning about myself recently.

It's not that visual appeal doesn't play a role in who I'm attracted to, it's just that it's not what winds up in my fantasies whatsoever. It's like listening to an audiobook but not thinking about what the cover of the book looks like. I don't know.

 

I relate to sexualizing everything and it makes me feel awful when it happens. The further I get into every steak, things get better. I know the compassion and pure love I am capable of, not the desperate perversion that this addiction tries to instill in me. Thank you for the encouragement. May we all continue to heal.

 

Thank you for sharing. I relate a lot to this. I focus on the parts and not the looks, I guess. Maybe that narrows it down. The scenarios and fantasies just supplement it all?

I think what Tao says about dehumanization is right. In a way, I think over-focusing on parts or at least the "benefit" of whatever scenario we imagine is also dehumanizing to ourselves. We aren't thinking of ourselves as a person either, but just a body that we happen to inhabit and "need" to satisfy. We forget "who" we are and only think about "what" we want to do with our body. Or someone else's body.

It certainly hurts everyone involved. It's important to step back and remember that we are made in God's image. I don't want to defile what belongs to God... it's so hard to snap out of a trance when the temptation hits.

Some odd thing I do that sometimes helps: if a perverse thought pops into my mind, I try to stop and reestablish the humanity in what I am seeing in my thoughts. If I remember something I saw in a pornographic video or image I once looked at, I will shake the thought away and remember that there is a person there. A human being made in God's image who he loves very much. They have dreams and passions and ambitions. They have fears. They have loved ones. They very likely don't want to be a porn actor/actress and were pressured into it or were desperate (the industry is very abusive like that). If you were to meet them in real life, they'd have their clothes on and be getting on their way just like you. Buying bread or visiting a friend's house or walking their dog. And I realize just how much I, and other addicts, treat them like tools or toys. And it breaks my heart because they really are just like you and me. And then I move on and dismiss it all and try not to think of that whole ordeal again. The same can apply to fictional or "cartoon" people too, since that can be an issue as well. Even these are based (loosely or otherwise) on actual people and their real personalities. For me, it is hard to continue to entertain the fantasy when I've taken notice of how weird it actually is to do to someone and to myself. So unnatural and callous. Dehumanizing, on both ends. Nausea sometimes comes over me when I think of what I'm actually doing.

That has just worked for me recently. Rejecting those awful thoughts, but then also replacing them with the truth. Replacing them with the acknowledgement of the image of God that is there. It's no surprise that redirecting your eyes on the ways of God helps clear the muddied waters. God is continuing to help me with this.