Ulysses Resists - Ongoing Journal

I am 54 years old. I've been watching this group for a couple months and listening to podcasts. I've been doing NNN and have been mostly successful so far. I've had orgasm with my wife twice. She is unable to have much sex now because of menopause, so I'm trying to practice abstinence as much as possible. In the past I have been hopelessly addicted to porn and maturation, often engaging 3-5 times a day when in relapse mode. I've been attending a celebrate recovery group now, have covenant eyes on my computers and phones with accountability and haven't looked at porn in over 90 day. It's been about 15 days now without self masturbation, so I'm really happy with the changes. This last weekend was hard though, waking up in the middle of the night and not able to get back to sleep and then feeling too tired the next day to fight like I should. NN has always led me to no sleep, which leads me to weakened mental and physical state, leading to relapse. I'm finding now, that by keeping my mind out of the fantasy world and disrupting those fantasies with images of escaping them, has helped. "Resist the devil and he will flee."

 

Day 14 in the new year. My wife does ejaculate me occasionally, so I'm only a few days without ejacualtion, but this is the longest I've gone for a while without self-masturbation.
For my journal I am going to post work from my Celebrate Recovery Step study and also parts of my recovery testimony. The following is from my moral inventory work

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourself.

Strengths: determined, a lot of grit, dedicated, usually motivated to do the right thing, hardworking, caring, compassionate, attentive to health, loves exercise, fitness, and body building, loves and attentive to family. Prioritizes family. Patriotic, conservative, spiritually insightful.

Weaknesses/Sins: Became passive, didn’t defend myself. Indulged in compulsive masturbation, used romance novels, magazine, HBO adult movies as porn before the Internet. Was addicted to Internet porn, became obsessed with masculinity, bondage. Spent days and days online wasting time, energy. Isolated away from my family, friends, church, and God. Looked at porn in public places.

Other Step 5: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/ulysses-resists-ongoing-journal.356154/page-3#post-3735985

 

Day 15: Still going strong. Yesterday I watched "The Blind" which is a story about Phil Robertson's battle with alcoholism. It's inspiring and also a reminder of how our addictions hurt the one's we love most.

Here is some of my work from Step 1: Powerlessness.
What areas do you have control: Exercise, work, home projects, money. But even in these areas, I tend to lose control when I start stumbling with sex.

What areas in your life are out of control: My thought life, Masturbation, porn when I have access, food, sleep, fear, doubt, regret, sorrow, and parenting.

How has my pride hindered me from asking for help: It feels shameful to admit that I need help, that I can’t handle this on my own, that I am weak. As a man, these thoughts rip apart my self-esteem. Also, I have been fully accountable in the past, and held others accountable. I found that I’m usually let down, can’t depend on others, and I’m often betrayed. I have a hard time with trust. Even with God, I struggle with thoughts that although I have tried to follow Him, I definitely trusted Him - he led me down paths that caused me harm and a lot of hurt. I know this is what the cross is about (God led Christ to the cross), but I can’t see the purpose right now.

If anyone wants to work though some of these steps with me, feel free to respond with your answers.

Step 2: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/ulysses-resists-ongoing-journal.356154/page-2#post-3728176

 

I have many such examples through the years of being led to pain and hurt. The most painful by far is that my wife and I felt led to adopt a child. The child turned out to have severe mental illness. As the years went by he became a threat to our family and to my birth child. He abused my other other child. In the end, we found out he was actually a sociopath. I didn't even know what that was, but now I understand that there are real villains in this world and real evil. My birth child ended up becoming mentally ill to the point of suicidal ideation and homicidal ideation. She is starting to get better, but making some very bad decisions in life. My adopted child is now in prison, and his prospects for the future are basically homelessness and more prison. Yes, I've learned some very important lessons through this, and I'm sure when all is said and done, I will see God's hand in this, but the pain this has caused my family is unreal. The truth is life is pain and heartache. There are villains all around, but there are also friends, brothers, wives, and children that you feel you can't live without. You can choose to avoid the relationships, and risk, and the commitments. Then you have the heartache of never knowing what might have been, the love you might have had, and never seeing God's redemptive work in the midst of those wounds.

 

I just hit my 5 month mark without porn and 16 days without self-MO. I have experienced some additional benefits even in this short time.

1) I had tended to get very depressed when I fell, it wasn't just the guilt, but hormonally, I could feel it. My outlook on life would dim, everything would seem bleak. When I am abstaining, I am hopeful.
2) I've also struggled with insomnia, and have written about it a lot here. Now that I'm over the 14 day mark, I do feel more balanced. My mind knows it's not getting the dopamine hit by staying up all night, so it just doesn't bother.
3) Clarity of mind is huge. Porn and even just MO creates a brain fog, where I struggle just to think straight.
4) I am more motivated and less afraid of trying new things, applying for a new job, starting a new training, exploring a new activity. Yes, that is confidence. Bring it on.
5) Losing weight, eating right, and staying fit is easier due to #4. As a result, I'm sure the testosterone thing is true. I'm curious if anyone has had T tests to show this, before and after nofap.

The odd thing is for me, just stopping porn wasn't enough. I was getting the same jacked up hormones, mental fog, lack of motivation, and depression with MO and sometimes binge 3 times a day. I wasn't able to stop MO until really denying all my fantasies, fetishes, and sexual idols. Truly letting those go from my mind is key to me. I don't think I could stop MO without that. I also think that the changes people want from nofap are not automatic. Nofap gives you the time and hopefully motivation to make changes, but you still have to make changers yourself. You can't expect women to notice you if you are not out there in social settings getting noticed. You can't expect an increase in physical strength and health, if you are not exercising, you cannot expect a change in body composition, if you are not dieting. All these changes build confidence.

 

I couldn't agree more. I see so many young men trying to opt out of pain or risk by not marrying, not dating, not taking any risks, or trying too hard. It's these experiences, and especially the failures and pain, that grow us in maturity and wisdom. I think there are a lot of things you can't do, you can't overcome, and you can't even understand until you have been through the fire. We rob ourselves and our future selves by not trying. I'm more of a Calmenian (Calvinist and Armenian together). I believe our choices are key on this side of eternity and ultimately God is in control. Choice makes us who we are, not our desires. This is especially true for me in regards to sexuality.

 

Thanks for sharing your thread. There's some good stuff there. I too have done some studies on 3 characteristics of our identity. Biblically, there are lot of words that seem similar and hard to define the difference. What It came down to in my study is the Bible talks about our bodies, our souls, and spirit. Our spirit is that part of us from God where his Spirit indwells us and we hopefully surrender to that. Our souls include heart, minds, emotions, will, etc. Our bodies are our physical appetites, With that in mind, circumcising your heart is similar/same as circumcising your mind. You cut off that which is of the world and dedicate it to the Lord. It seems the world has rejected the soul and spirit and delegates our identity completely to our fleshly desires.

 

A note about my avatars and username: Ulysses was from Homer's odyssey. As he was sailing through the temptress sirens, he plugged his sailors ears with wax and had them tie him to mast so that he would be unable to respond to the temptations. The sirens did come, and he was tempted and begged his men to release him, but they did not and tied him tighter to as they were instructed to do. He ended up resisting.
This articles is from a Christian source and makes some very inspiring correlations to faith:
https://crossexamined.org/avoiding-siren-temptation-trap/

Conclusion from the article:

The Sirens present a powerful metaphor for the temptation faced by Christians. Like the Sirens, the temptation to fall into sin can be highly enticing and seductive. It may offer you pleasure here and now, but remember that the island is littered with the bones of previous victims. A Christian must not steer off from the course marked out for him. Rather, “let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,” (Hebrews 12:1-2).

 

Yes, I've thought about it too. However, remember that for Ulysses, his main temptation was wisdom. Hearing the sirens and resisting was one way to gain that wisdom without suffering the fate. I really like the analogy, because it also enforces our need for a team, for brothers to help us and intervene. I also think of it in terms of cutting off my access to porn through Covenant Eyes. I know I'm not strong enough to resist porn forever, but having my hands tied figuratively by this software keeps me safe and my accountability partners act as the sailors ready to enforce the bonds if they get loose. I also know this image may feed my BDSM fetish in a way, but I see it as turning the fetish upside down. Instead of being bound and at the mercy of the wicked, he is bound by brothers, enabling him to fully resist the wicket. It is an analogy of Romans 6:18 "Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living."

From the article:
Such a principle was adopted by Odysseus. Although he could hear the Sirens’ voice and was tempted, he had no ability to yield to the temptation. The desire was still there, but he, being roped to the mast of the ship, was unable to respond to it. Similarly, the follower of Christ ought to also abide by this principle: If there is something in your life that is consistently presenting opportunity for you to yield to temptation, get rid of it if at all possible! Odysseus had been warned by Circe not to “trust thy virtue to the enchanting sound.” Often, the character of temptation is such that we must flee from temptation rather than engage in hand-to-hand combat with it. Joseph exercised this principle in running from Potiphars’ wife when she attempted to seduce him to sleep with her.

 

Friends and brothers,
Last spring I had my longest current streak of success (no porn for 6 mo) followed by my longest and darkest relapse. I was either out of town or my wife was out of town, giving me too much free time. As I result I fell into relentless PMO for about 4 months straight. When my wife was going out of town, I would plan out my acting out for weeks, basically making dates with demons. I collected thousands of pictures of my fetishes and posted them on a porn site, categorizing them for easy access. I went further down than I had ever gone and many of the images I pursued actually became so perverse, they were violent and pagan in ritualistic torture. The truth is it was torturing my soul, draining my strength and manhood, and pulling me into a deep demonic depression.

Now, I've had covenant eyes installed for 5 months without any failure there, I'm almost 3 weeks without any masturbation, which is something I haven't accomplished in years. I'm sleeping better, optimistic, hopeful, and determined to stay clean. BUT, my wife is going out town again for 2 weeks starting on Saturday. If you guys can pray for me and encourage me on this, I would appreciate it. I'm also going to post my progress and struggle with that here. Please hold me accountable, if you see I'm not posting. I appreciate all your support.

 

My plan is to work really hard on home projects and a test I am studying for as a distraction. I also plan on posting my status and struggle here and work through more of my Step work. I'm going to try to do my journal work and computer work before bed and not open up the tablet in bed. I will be contacting my sponsor more, attending Celebrate Recovery, and I will probably drop in a SSA meeting I found here too. My main struggles are at night, if things get tough, I plan supplementing with occasional cold meds for sleep or melatonin. I know it's bad if I go for more than 2 days without somewhat full sleep. But it's also bad to get too dependent on the drugs.

 

I've been clean from porn for 5 months, and I'm just starting to get free from MO. It may be that it just takes time, but I realized with that time of struggling, that my downs from MO and the fantasies I still clung to, were just as low and just as addictive as the porn itself. In fact, the porn was still very alive in my head. Someone has said that porn is forever those images are with you wherever you go. What got me was realizing that my sick brain fog, insomnia, lack of motivation, lack of intimacy with friends and spouse were just as much of a problem with MO as it was with porn. When I realized, I declared an outright war on my mental images. I refused them and resisted them at every opportunity. I took the old fantasies and introduced a fight in the fantasy where I win or run away. When I lost focus and just wanted to let it go, I would go to this blog and write about my feelings and thoughts in my journal. This reminded me why I wanted to stop and why it was important to stop. I also try to encourage others to stop. I did this every day and continue to do this every day until, rejecting these thoughts is the habit, and MO becomes a distant memory. I'm almost 3 weeks now and feel great about it. I do not want to go back.