Wrestling with a fetish all my life

This new year continues to be mostly a success (though it's early days I know!). No PMO, and I've made it through two weeks off without returning to the old holiday self-bondage habits. There's still today (Sunday) before going back to work, but I'm far too busy with church for today to be a huge risk.

There has been some morning M, however. Maybe this will lessen as I get back into the regular routine and my inner child is forced to accept there is no time for giving in to any long sessions.

It's been a good break. I definitely feel calmer and more positive after a very hectic end to 2023, and genuinely feel ready for beginning work again.

My parents have been quite needy over this break. I helped them a lot over the first week, but I was becoming a bit too much of a control freak over it. I've managed to let go of a few things this week and/or trust others with their care. I will always be there for them and they will always be a priority, of course! But I was concerned that codependency was getting too strong. Part of caring for others is caring for oneself, after all. I have to remember that my parents' happiness is also invested in mine, and If I'm not happy neither are they. It's just a very difficult balance to get right!

 

Yes I was aware of the origin of the word fetish, and it does indeed suit it well for people like us. Another word that doesn't capture the idolatrous nature of fetishes but still captures the atypical nature of the sexual attraction is "paraphilia". Perhaps earlier when I said fetishes aren't in themselves a bad thing, it would have been more accurate to say paraphilias aren't in themselves bad things. A paraphilia can become an obsession or an idol, at which point "fetish" may be a more appropriate word (but then again, even vanilla sex can become an idol).

Sometimes my fetish feels more like an obsession... lately the triggers don't feel necessarily sexual more more like an obsessive desire for some form of closure regarding an obsession I've had since childhood.

I think the meanings of many of the above words are debated somewhat, and perhaps it doesn't help to get lost in the semantics. Ultimately what we have are unhealthy obsessions that drive us to behaviours that do not honour God. It we weren't into bondage, we may be addicted to "vanilla" porn or drugs or alcohol or over-eating or anything. At the root of our addiction is some unfulfilled need, for which we should only turn to God.

I wrote about it here: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...etish-all-my-life.310845/page-26#post-3540047 and then I reflect on it a bit more in later posts. I suppose you might say I was (and am) doing hard mode as I am still single so not getting O any other way! My accountability really comes down to the conversations I have via DM (some more regular than others) and I'm not on any programs. Actually, I didn't really talk to anybody about particular difficulties I had at the time of the relapse, and so I would say that was one of the reasons for it.

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In fact, I should note that I'm a bit down at the moment because of feeling a bit left out from a social circle at church, having discovered I wasn't invited to something. It was probably a mistake; there are loads of possible explanations and I'll get over it, but it's left me glum, and it's an extra burden on top of the stresses I already face daily. This probably won't become a big thing, but having reflected on my relapse just now... I better keep opening up!

 

Absolutely, because it is still lust. Jesus states that to even look upon a woman with lustful intent is tantamount to adultery (Matthew 5:27-28). I don't believe thinking about a woman in such a way, with or without masturbation, is any different. We are still looking in that we are focusing on a mental image. Some try to argue that masturbation without looking at or thinking of anybody is not sin, but even if that's the case, I never have the urge to masturbate to absolutely nothing. The urge to masturbate always follows a sexual image or thought.

Furthermore, masturbating changes my mentality. I may feel no desire to look at porn or tie myself up or draw my fantasies, but when I start to masturbate, it gets me "in the mood". Countless times has my conviction that I don't want to do these things been flipped over simply because I've touched myself. The hormones are released and my whole mentality switches.

In many ways non-porn sources are actually more of a turn-on for me than something that's intended to be sexual. It's very difficult to describe why... I guess because it adds some element of realism to the bondage and/or because it's closer to what originally got me interested in a child when I saw bondage of some form in cartoons etc.

Yes, this is usually the approach I take to such things, when the opportunity to do it casually comes up. I'm actually quite an introvert and don't want to partake in everything anyway... but I still appreciate being asked!

 

Thank you Faithe You will also be in my prayers. Actually your sig has helped me lately, where you comment "Bad habits from childhood are hard to break". It's something I know but sometimes forget, so it's helpful seeing the reminder That these habits emerge from childhood is something very important to remember in order to not blame oneself. The further back we go, the less control we had over our lives, and yet the more fundamental the experiences are that shape us as adults.

General update

I continue to resist PMO since my last failure before 2024. Morning M is still an issue, and sometimes if I'm alone and lost in thought about something else. Usually the latter such incidents aren't sexually driven, just a form of fidgeting, but still risky of course! But otherwise these Ms don't last too long and haven't been leading to O, and I certainly haven't been using P.

Ideally I'd want to count from the last M, but given how relatively bad things have been since relapsing last year, I'll take this win for now. Perhaps I'll reset when I realise morning O hasn't happened for some time. Either way, I do believe the the counter is a fair reflection of post-relapse progress.

Last night's dream

Not sure how to put last night's dream into words... it seemed to cover many recent issues in my life without focusing on anything specifically. I was on a holiday which loosely reflected some of my more recent ones. I was opening up to a potential partner about my fetish and she was accepting of it, even though in the dream universe I was still drawing women in bondage. I can remember the image in particular I was drawing in that dream. But anyway, this dream wasn't just about the fetish at all. It felt like it was about many things I want in life all at once. Again... very difficult to put into words!

I woke up feeling a sense of withdrawal that I haven't felt since earlier on in my time on these Forums. I desperately wanted to give in, even though I new I wouldn't (and indeed didn't!). I also felt a new sense of clarity about one of multiple reasons why giving in to my fetish (and perhaps why others give in to theirs?) has such an appeal.

I got a sense that what I'm into is so different from an everyday experience that it adds a level of excitement. Sexual aspect aside, I always felt some sense of excitement in a kind of adrenaline sense, like I as on some sort of adventure. But sitting around in bondage not doing anything is hardly an adventure! Perhaps part of an adventure some hero is on to rescue whatever woman I'm fantasising myself as. But not really an adventure for me. So why should I feel like that? But I think the fact that what I do to myself isn't a normal thing that people do on a day-to-day basis creates that sense somehow. It would be weird to encounter somebody in a state of literal bondage, let alone that person being naked at the time! But the fact that I would seize opportunities to do something so strange in other peoples' eyes that I simply wouldn't do in public under any circumstances suddenly seems like it's been part of the appeal all along.

Anyway, this is a new train of thought. If there is a part of me that wants to act out on things I wouldn't normally do, I need to think what deeper need that's reflecting, and what that means is missing.

Throughout the rest of the day I've been reflecting more on the holiday and possible romance aspect of the dream. There isn't a possible romance in my life at the moment... rather the dream reflected a time when there was.

 

Still struggling with morning M. Hasn't gone further but yesterday and this morning it felt like the temptation and fundamental desire to do so was stronger.

I did realise though that I do actually want to MO to normal sexual thoughts - fantasies about vanilla sex. The difference is I'm much more able to resist it because I never let such thoughts become an obsession. Those fantasies are there, but they just aren't as potent as the fetish I've been nurturing my entire life.

This probably comes down to understanding at a young age that porn and sex before marriage were sinful, but turning to bondage as a replacement (though I didn't realise that's what I was doing at the time).

 

I feel more and more like M could slip into MO, though desire to look at P is virtually non-existent. At the moment, it feels as though the urge to MO and the desire to engage in any of my fetish activities are mostly separate. Yes, my morning M I've been struggling with is still to fetish thoughts, but under some acceptance that they will only be thoughts.

I know better than to assume they will stay as thoughts alone though. I'm simply observing the state of my desires in the present. Who knows what tomorrow will do to warp my mind. I pray against this, that my mind would be shaped to that of Christ's.

 

Interesting, I'd never really thought of it as edging even though you're right, that's essentially what it is. I only considered it edging only when O was the intended end goal and I was just putting it off to enjoy my fantasies more. The difference here with these morning struggles is I really do want to resist and I stop-start with the intention of staying stopped each time I stop! But in that weakened, semi-awake state of mind I end up touching myself again.

But whether or not it's "edging" is just semantics and no matter what we call it I need to stop doing it.

I read my Bible every morning to try and help Christ shape my thoughts. A problem I had a few pages back was that I was being too legalistic about what I read and so wasn't really taking it in. I vowed to move to read what was on my heart to study, but the opposite effect seems to take place and I can't always feel in the mood to study anything in particular, and then I don't really study anything. Perhaps what I need is a reading plan to fall back on, but to allow my heart to lead me to other passages as and when I feel moved to do so.

 

High risk of relapse right now. Please pray.

Very triggering dream last night involving a fictional character who featured in some of the earlier material I discovered online back in my teenage years. That wasn't really the big problem today, but it contributed.

This afternoon I found out somebody I was interested in romantically has a boyfriend. Actually, in a way it was a relief because I was never sure about her - it is a bit painful but I'll get over it. The real issue with my recovery is that the closing off of a possible romance has always been a relapse trigger. I've always feared having to share my fetish with a future spouse and so one of my motivations to quit was always "well, at least I can tell her I'm over it!". I know that the true motivation should be to honour God and pursue holiness. That true motivation grows within me as I pursue holiness in my life more generally. But I have to be honest and say that this other false motivation still lingers. At the very least, the neural circuitry that learned that reaction is still there, as today has proven.

When I found out what I did today I could feel this false logic kick into action. Sexually I don't actually feel tempted, but the neural pathways that lead to that sexual urge are firing up. I feel better as I type, and driving home I kept reflecting on how pointless and destructive any PMO would be. I still hold on to this truth, but we are creatures of habit, and hait has a way to override reason when we let our guard down.

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On a more positive note, yesterday I attended a training session for a marathon I'm going to be participating in. It was organised by the charity I'm running for, and I was a bit nervous on the way there. But it was one of those situations where nobody knows each other at first but we all clicked really easy.

Sometimes it's nice to just meet completely new people. I really, really had a nice day. One of them was a Christian too!

I wasn't very attractive as a child, lacked confidence and was an easy target for bullies. Most kids weren't nice to me upon meeting me for the first time. I came to assume by default that people didn't like me. That's what's always made me nervous meeting new people. I know this assumption is completely unfounded in reality (and is very insulting to others). By default people *are* nice most of the time. It's taking me time to unlearn the lies of my past, but yesterday helped me along this process of recovery in this area of my life too.

 

Reset. No P thankfully, but went over the edge with M all the way to O. Had a stressful day and have generally felt depressed. Still do. I guess with this lady I was into I'm more frustrated with myself for having an internal debate about what to do about it when all this time it was moot. It had taken up a lot of mental energy, psyching myself to at least talk to her to see how she felt, but all that effort has turned out for nothing. I don't quite understand the brain chemistry but it's been quite the drop and left me feeling desperately in need of a dopamine hit. Some challenges with parent's health and today's work issues just left me feeling powerless.

I think also, Saturday being such a good day before dealing with all this has also been a significant drop. It's like diving straight into ice cold seawater with a high body temperature... it's a shock to the system.

I know I'll be fine in a few days time... God willing!

Regarding the root of my addiction see my first post. I regularly edit it with reflections of significant episodes from my past or other topics. Similarly for what leads me to PMO. There are multiple reasons I suppose, but stress and low mood can be one of them, especially when I feel totally out of control of my circumstances. I start to fidget and sometimes it becomes my penis that I fidget with (a habit from childhood even more it was sexual). Then I'm part way to O and my brain can't handle it. That's what happened this time.

 

MO'd today. Some unexpected stress yesterday, the consequences of which bled through into today. Leading up to it, I could tell I was trying to solve too many things I have limited control over. I definitely need to trust more of my life to God. I try so hard to control the world that I lose control of myself, and this is when I (P)MO.

The challenge for me is always knowing when I've done all I realistically can. It's hard when, looking at my childhood, I feel like those around me would look down on me for not doing enough to prevent negative outcomes.