Driven away the love of my life

So articulately put @GeorgeJetson ! And fantastic to hear you are making ground in your recovery, many blessing as always, and a continued massive thanks for your support.

Hopefully in some capacity my story can act as a bastion of hope whether it be the possibility of rekindling love, or that through loss we have the potential to rediscover faith, self progression and compassion.

I hope both !

 

My friends, I write with a shattered heart that yesterday my wife changed her number and removed me on all social media. I have been clinging on to the hope of a reconciliation for months now, trying to better myself, trying to destroy this cruel affliction. I have completed some long streaks within the last few months including one of around 40 days.

The hope of winning her back has been my driving force, and now that it seems the final nail has been put in the coffin, Im not really sure what to do anymore. Everything I built in my life, everything i've done for the past ten years was to create a life for us. Too little too late do I realise the dramatic detrimental effect pornography has had on my life.

Im not under any illusion that it is the only cause of the breakdown of my relationship, I have a litany of emotional issues that have become very much aware of in the face of this disastrous grief I am feeling. But what I will say is that pornography has exacerbated the problem ten fold. Rather than seeking the help and therapy I needed immediately (which I have been well aware I needed since the beginning of the relationship) I hid behind porn. Rather than building a network and going out and grasping life in both hands, I hid behind porn. Rather than connecting on a deeper level with my partner in moments of hardship in the relationship, I withdrew and hid behind porn.

My partner always used to call anything we hide behind to circumvent the need to address the real problems in life "buns".

My sweet Blini, you were right, I had the worst bun of all, and it contributed towards the loss of my soulmate, my best friend, the love of all of my lives. Unless we are reunited, I will miss you forever. I pray upon every star that life is kind to you, and fortune follows you. I will always be with you in spirit and the feelings I have for you will never ever die. Even if we remain apart I hope that all your dreams and aspirations come true, you deserve it. The reality is that I wasn't worthy, I have been a vile creature, and my low vibrational state has returned me a low vibrational life. My ears and eyes remained closed to the wisdom you attempted to bestow on me, my heart remained closed even though you tried to love me so much, and I see it now.

The Gods (if they are indeed real) work in mysterious ways. I begged for years to heal, I begged for years to be free of this addiction; these sins: Lust, greed, anger. I begged and silently cried out to the universe in the depths of the night. Now that I have lost your precious soul I see myself clearly, I see the monster I have become and I have been. Its seems that the only way I would ever learn the lesson I asked to learn, was to lose your precious love.

But at what cost ? How do I move on now ? what is the purpose of my life now that my twin flame has blown away ?

Now I sit here and realise exactly how I should have loved you, I realise exactly how I should heal, I realise exactly what it means to be a good, loving, compassionate person. But I no longer get the opportunity to share the love in my heart with the person I most desire to.

Life can be cruel in the lessons it teaches us, all I ask of the people reading this post is to rid yourself NOW of this addiction. If you are loved, porn will contribute to the destruction of that love. If you are falling out of love, porn will cloud your mind as it did me, and you may lose the most treasurable thing you ever had. If you are single porn will obscure love, and repel it from your life. Please learn from my mistake, dedicate your life to healing yourself and finding REAL connection and love, it is the only thing that is worth anything in this life.

and to my Arina, You are always the love of my life and that will never change, I will love you until the mountains crumble, I will love you until sun burns out. I will never love again the way I love you, you saved my life.