For me, sites like those (and p0rn and IG models, etc) are sometimes just a distraction from feeling something that I don’t like. Like anxiety, fear, or being overwhelmed at work, in my relationship, with friends, family, etc. Or maybe I’m feeling tired/burnt out and these sites give me short-lived dopamine bursts that I’m craving. (Unfortunately they also keep me from getting deep rest, which is what I truly need.) What do you think these sites are providing you?
When I was single, I used dating apps to feed my desire to be desired and accepted. I didn't even care about going on the dates. It was being desired and getting a response that mattered to me. I felt worthy. And in the chase and flirtation, I got a high. Then I'd go use porn and not even go out with the girls. For me, I always dated girls that were slightly less attractive than me because it was easier to avoid getting rejected. Now I have an amazing wife and her primary flaw is she's heavily overweight. And her desire for me is nowhere near as powerful to me as being desired by another woman or a more attractive woman. The dating apps promised the potential to be desired by a more attractive woman. The reality was, the attractive women I mostly desired, they were never attracted to me. The promise of the dating apps was a mirage for me. I no longer use dating apps, but in my mind, I still chase that same mirage.
Hello Everyone, I'm checking in. I just wrote in my journal. It was good to write there. Unfortunately, I did fail again a few days ago. This time I realize that my mind is not in a good place. I was in the classic trap of the mindset that says "I'm failing so I might as well fail big". I say it's classic because I learned a long time ago that if you do fail... to minimize it is best. If you look at P, don't MO or edge. If you do PMO, don't have a binge or edging binge, end it as soon as possible and strive for the most recovery possible as soon as possible. As of now, it has been a few days since then. I need to use what I know and strive for success.
@Nu-Dae there we are both, with a 10 days head start into the new year. Let´s keep that up! Couple of months ago, I read a article from a scientist, and she said something very resumed about what helps against addiction. It was actually too short to fully understand what she meant. She said, all you have is "discipline and planning". It wasn´t until I saw a John Rogan webcast to fully understand why she didn´t mention motivation, where he said something like "Forget motivation, motivation isn´t there every day. One day you wake up and there is no motivation, discipline is what keeps you going" . Wishing everyone a strong will, an unbreakable discipline and successful recovery in 2024!
I have also struggled (and still struggle) with feeling worthy and/or desired. I just try to remember that I’m worthy of love and desirable just as I am. Not to say that I don’t have flaws or room for improvement, but the worthiness and desirability that I look for from others, if I look for it from myself, and then give it to myself, it actually heals that part of me that otherwise would still feel empty if I got that worthiness and desirability from someone else, especially someone that I don’t love and doesn’t love me. It’s not always easy. Like I said, I still struggle with it. Sometimes, in the moment, I don’t even realize that’s what I’m struggling with. But anytime I find myself going back to my old PMO sites/habits (even the “safe” ones- for me it’s IG models), I try to remember that it’s my subconscious’s way of telling me that I need to reconnect with myself.
I wanted to share that I didn't use PMO for 81% of days in 2023, compared with 70% in 2022. That is significant progress. I'm aiming for complete sobriety, but at minimum 90% in 2024. Thank you to this group and the guidance of so many of you.
Hi. Day 13, I can feel the second challenge starting...mind wanders and thoughts are harder to control. I have this every time approaching this time, the 2 weeks barrier. Determined to break through this one. The first one is the 48hours, breaking the habit basically. Interesting how close the experience repeats each time,.. which also means, if I made it before, I can make it again! Wishing everyone a clean day!
You're absolutely right, 2 weeks is a barrier. One that I am all too familiar with. I used to have a horrible back and forth at 2 weeks. 2 week nofap streak, break it, then 2 weeks of pmo until I felt absolutely horrible. Then 2 weeks of nofap streak, break it, 2 weeks of pmo, etc, etc, on and on. That being said, I peeked yesterday, a couple times actually (day 13). And as much as I want to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal and to keep going (it's just peeking), I know that if I'm going to have integrity, and be honest with myself on this journey, then I can't let this slide. Also, my goal is to be a man that doesn't look at p0rn, not a man that sweeps it under the rug and gives myself excuses. For me, and my journey to become this man, this is a very important obstacle. One that I'm looking forward to overcoming. And although I'm not letting myself off the hook, I'm also not beating myself up over it. I know why I did it. I've been very busy lately and under a lot of stress the past couple of days in particular. I haven't been getting enough sleep or rest. And I haven't been practicing self-care on top of it all (meditation, journaling, working out, healthy eating, reading, etc). Or I've been practicing sporadically and not with enough consistency. This is going to be a big factor in my success, finding ways to consistently practice self-care, even when I'm busy/stressed/anxious/etc. Over the past 120 days (give or take), I've only used p0rn about 6 or 7 days total. That's a big difference from the 2 week on, 2 week off pattern I used to have. Nowadays I can make it about 30 days before breaking and using. And usually it's only once or twice before getting back on track. I'm very grateful for this. It's tough letting go of these habits, but it's the only way to become the man I truly am underneath it all. Anyway, I'm resetting my counter to 0. I'll be using today (in between client work) to re-evaluate my goals, my processes for achieving those goals, and making a plan for success. My new goal is 45-60 days, so that's shortly after Valentine's Day, but hopefully more like early March. Honestly, I'm still feeling very tired and shaky. But I don't need to be perfect to start again, I just need to start. Thanks for reading (if you did). And hope you all have a great day. Let's get it!
Yesterday was a really tough day. The physical urges and desires were there. I'm through 5 days sober. I'm planning to go to SAA meeting tonight since I didn't make it the other days due to holiday.
It´s crucial to be brutally honest, well done! Same here, I just got notice that some customers are interested in purchasing the product I have developed as a side business...Which is good news and bad news at the same time. I just recovered from the stress this had caused with all the relapse that happened. It took time to get back on track, and health comes first. So I need to find a way to balance that stress. I´m not truely into mediation, have not found the hook to that. Sport does it´s trick, but not sure if I will be able to find the time to do enough sport to compensate for all the stress. You are not starting from 0, you are reaffirming your path! Today was a tough day, lots of extra work came in. But had some evening plans, which helped get the mind distracted,... stay focused, keep fighting!
Numb One of the most important reasons why I really do the rehab is that numb feeling that has haunted me for decades. When I had my latest relapse, I came to feel the difference very clearly. I remember I was driving car up a bridge and realized the difference. By then I had just ended my longest streak of almost 90 days. Only the direct comparison would reveal the real magnitude and I could have the before/after effect of how indulged in dopamine my brain would make me feel numb. I just came to realize how important it is to remember that moment, so it helps me focus on my goal. It´s a feeling and getting back to that feeling for clarity is more tangible for my subconscious then the rational inner talk. That said, the numb feeling getting away wasn´t present until it came back so suddenly. It is subtle and progress slow. Side note: I started playing the piano cover version of linkin park - numb on the piano, great song Day 17. Let´s go!
