Hi...

Hi,

I'm new. I'm a 33yr old man and I have an addiction.
I don't remember how old I was when I first masturbated. I know that I was young and didn't know what I was doing. I discovered it by accident one day in the bathroom and wondered if it was normal etc. But being a shy, nerdy recluse I was too scared to ask people. After lots of searching in books, I discovered what masturbation was and that it was a normal natural thing to do. So I continued as often as I could.

I've had a tough time growing up. I used to get bullied and picked on and beaten up for being the skinny nerdy kid. I was depressed and suicidal and had zero self confidence for most of my life and never had a girlfriend back when I was in school. To make matters worse, I have a dry eye condition that makes my eyes prone to infection, so alot of times my eyes would be red and this led to me not looking people in the eye when I speak to them. My eyes have calmed down over the years and most times they look quite normal, but I still cant look people in the eye.. I've only ever had 3 girlfriends my entire life and those relationships never lasted more than 1.5yrs. My hands have kept me company for most of my life. I'm usually terrible and awkward at social situations and incredibly shy. I'm not a bad looking guy though. I can attract women with my looks alone, but I'm always too shy or scared to do anything about it, and on the rare occasion that I muster up courage to try, I usually screw up.. so like always I would just be alone and masturbate.

Two years ago I met an incredible woman who asked me out on a date. We eventually got into a relationship and after all these years it was wonderful being around a woman who really wanted me. What made it even more incredible was that she wanted me physically all the time and it made me feel good about myself for once. She was the only woman that was ever truly crazy about me or my body/dick. Masturbating felt good, but over the years, the orgasms seemed weaker and weaker. I guess I got addicted to the release of endorphins or something. But when she first went down on me, I had the most incredible orgasm I ever felt in my entire life. I was speechless. Oral sex with her was amazing and she wanted to do it all the time. She always wanted me so bad that sometimes she would actually beg to go down on me. It was awesome. The problem came when we started to have actual intercourse. It was incredibly difficult for me to orgasm. I would climax sometimes, but most times I would last forever to the point of exhaustion or loss of erection. I believe this is because of all the masturbating over the years and my death grip. But she was a lovely woman and didn't mind. I always satisfied her sexually and she would satisfy me orally. And then last year we broke up. Not because of my problems but because she wanted to me to convert to her religion (Islam) and I wouldnt. Her family wouldn't accept me so I pushed her away because I thought it would be for the best for her. She moved on and now I'm back to being alone and depressed.

Ive been using masturbation to deal with depression. Which has made my addiction worse. Its been over a year and I can't deal with the sadness. If I don't masturbate everyday I get depressed. If I don't do it, then sooner or later I start to think about her moving on and sleeping with her new fiance. I start to remember that no woman has ever wanted me the way she did and that I will never meet someone like her again. Porn and masturbation is the thing that's been keeping me sane, but I know I have to stop.

I'm currently on day 5. The temptation to give in is strong but I'm trying to keep busy and ignore it.

Some of the posts on this forum have been very motivational and I hope I can stick with nofap forever. I've tried before and never made it past a month max. I'm hoping this time will be different. I've deleted all the porn from my pc. Wish me luck.

P.S. Apologies for the long story.

 

Thanks man!

Made it to day 8.. Haven't felt much urge to look at porn, but the need to get myself off is driving me crazy. I'm glad I work a desk job and don't have to walk around much.. Cold showers are helping with morning wood.. but damn, this is difficult..

Trying to stay busy and think positive thoughts. There are lots of things I haven't done in a while.. like reading and art. Gonna try to get back to drawing again..

 

I was browsing this forum today and realized that I actually made a thread a year ago. And of course this reminded me of my past failure.

For a long time now I've been jittery.. brainfogged.. lacking concentration and I've been finding it difficult to focus on my work. I don't know if this is due to the excess masturbation but if the 90 day challenge can help, I'm willing to try. Whenever I stop masturbation for a couple of days, I get really depressed. I haven't been with a woman for a year now and the loneliness is really getting to me. I need to get my shit together and get out there and meet new people..

So I started my 90 day challenge again recently and I'm currently on day 15. The urges are strongest when I'm taking a shower or in bed, but I've been resisting. I tick off the days on my calendar, one by one.. but I don't know how long I can hold out. Just keeping busy and taking this thing one day at a time..

 

Thanks, but its too late for that. She moved on and she's sleeping with someone else. Its been more than 2yrs now. I've never fully gotten over her, but I'm trying to move on slowly. Its hard when I keep comparing people to her and they don't quite match up..

There's someone new now. Well a chance at something new at least.. A friend from Facebook who wants to meet me and invited me to stay with her for a weekend in December. So, flights are booked, plans are made. But I'm really hoping the nofap challenge helps me overcome some of my social anxieties..