Not the typical take of support ~7 months

I started out writing a post about how I think people in the greater recovery world over-emphasizes community in a way, then I realized it can be a "success story" post.

So I'm about 7 months PMO free, conservatively estimating. Previously I only ever remember 6 months but there have no doubt been other times in my life where I was not doing PMO for possibly even longer than 7 months, I don't really think the time count is where it's at anyway and once you're much older it's just different, and circumstances are different and possibly helps at previous times. The reason I'm posting is I pretty much cannot see relapsing anymore at this point, just knowing how my mind is now.

I was going out with someone from a recovery group not related to sex and not having any sex during the whole 6 months, and suffice it to say it ended in a messed up way, personally I believe a personality disorder was involved. While I could have become very depressed and acted out, I didn't - wasn't even inclined. What happened was I PROCESSED it, and I can only describe it as an unnaturally fast processing of something like this because of course psych stuff isn't exactly known to be easy and can linger. Sometimes I thought a lot, too fast to put into most into words, at other times my mind was blank and just stared into space for hours. I got a little social support, but it was a bit of a reach with the nature of the closest related group and ultimately it was a small part of the process and not an ongoing thing.

Part of what I got out of the experience is ultimately when all that's said and done, I have a very different perspective on what recovery actually is, now - regardless of the particular addiction or issue. For one thing, I don't see perpetual abstinence as recovery. It can create the space or hopefully mental clarity for recovery to happen or where it can be cultivated, but regardless of how much time someone has there does not seem to be any guarantee to get into a recovery mental space though it is more likely. It's respectable that people fight and fight, but it's important I think to be clear about this for context.

Another thing is the role of social support as I mentioned in the beginning. This quote is one of the things that blew the traditional attitude out of the water for me:

"Most people use statistics as a drunken man uses a lamppost - for support rather than illumination."

It occurred to me that if we substitute the word statistics with "lots of people" because that's pretty much the superficial view of what a "strong" meeting is a lot of times, that could very well describe the attitude of a lot of people and a fairly typical attitude in recovery culture. And I would say this probably relates to the first point in that the perpetual abstinence may be largely a product of peer influence. One can argue it's positive peer pressure, but ultimately I think what good recovery entails is what happens when you DON'T have the support.

The third thing I guess is the second part of the quote, the lack of interest in illumination or understanding. In a long enough period, within the context of accelerating tech with something media based like porn and just a rapidly changing world, it's ridiculous to me to NOT be interested in understanding and just default to support. It may be a very understandable instinctual response, but it is not skillful and ultimately I do not think it is up to the task of future challenges. Incidentally the social and understanding are two of three refuges in Buddhism, and I recently heard a 12 Step guy outline 3 (and only 3) alternatives to the traditional notion of God as a higher power that to me obviously corresponds to the triple gem. But whereas people can see identifying the group as their higher power, you don't see people saying they identify understanding/study of universal principles as their HP, and in the Buddhist framework you take refuge in all three. The other two are supportive too, just not social support alone.

I know a lot of what I've written is what I don't think is the case, but of course it doesn't mean I think people should throw out the idea of a community for support - though I think a realistic expectation might be called for. I've had zero (social) support for PMO during this time, didn't even look for it - because partly I knew the general mentality is sort of colored by these norms, if not the online social media kind of norm.
I remember one guy on here at one point that would say "nobody is coming to save you." People in recovery don't seem to want to hear that, and there's this image of a lot of support with a bunch of people even if the phone list is effectively just that, a list, and it is not uncommon to never call anyone or receive a call. But what I've found is you don't necessarily need it.

I want to say something helpful, even though everyone reading this will be different - and I think that is with all the talk about "tools" in recovery the one perhaps most neglected in my view is our mind. I don't mean that quaint saying "your stinkin' thinkin'" where sketchy decisions are made from, so you turn to... a random large number of other addicts to guide you or a largely arbitrary sponsor just because you're supposed to have one? I think the answer is you get that tool working well, the one you use to work all other tools and even need that clarity to recognize them as useful, rather than the obvious stuff like "the telephone" or "meetings." It's like the difference between a quantum computer and a screwdriver, with a dominant attitude being not teasing out the software that might run on the former and be all against it with distrust perhaps in favor of 8 bit machines from yesteryear that's mostly good for nostalgia and retro gaming. We will have new challenges, to me it's not just a nice positive idea to tap our actual potential, we NEED it to deal with what's coming, as matter of functional competency. And frankly with all the talk about service in the recovery communities I don't think it has occurred to most that conformity never served anything because it doesn't add anything to the existing order, whereas if there's some original insight even if it isn't popular at least it will have come into existence and be made available.

Obviously Buddhism (which goes MUCH further than the currently available popular formulations of recovery groups oriented that way) has greatly influenced my view, I'll just end with this one description of 'the middle way' as neither nihilism nor determinism. We have influence and can change ourselves, though at the same time I would say where I find myself is I am interested in the whole gestalt kind of view rather than isolating particular issues and causes, it just doesn't really leave me room for delusion about sexual stimulation and our predicament.

 

Sorry I know it's a lot of stuff, but I believe I am going this long and actually can go forever because my whole outlook on recovery is different now and I don't have the wrong idea about support and use it as no more than an auxiliary extra boost if anything. I also think it's necessary to come up with new and more powerful tools for all addiction recovery instead of just traditional things, which may work up to a point but things change.

 

The outlook difference is the social support aspect is a part but not everything which a lot of people seem to think it is. When there's supposed to be a balance of support and other things the other stuff is neglected. One tool is just taken from a different context but using Wilbers AQAL or all quadrant all level model to think about things, mostly the quadrant which involves looking at any situation say a daily inventory in terms of internal and external, and individual and collective aspect. So there's not just ones own internal experience but also a groups whether it's just two people or more, and the external observable stuff. The same model can be used for solutions, which will probably focus on external action that can be taken but will influence the inner quadrants, for example meditation.

 

I didn't say the program states that, I said the culture, for whatever reason perhaps partially due to Covid isolation has shown this consistent pattern. I've stated elsewhere that it's questionable whether the patterns are even supported by the literature.

If the AQAL model sounds like an abstraction then I say imagine it as a worksheet exercise. Do you currently know anyone or any work that seeks to cover those four areas in a deliberate and balanced way? I also think it would be good as a simple way to address cross addiction and connect different issues. I have kept it simple because I know people don't like abstraction but at a certain point if the functions and logic of something is going to be seen it requires the person reading to use some abstract thinking if they are going to see it for themselves rather than just me expecting you to believe me. It's only four categories, I'm not sure if I can make it simpler than that.

 

The 'substitute' will have to be a combination of things which would be different for everyone if there are multiple addictions or dual diagnosis with other mental health conditions. This naturally becomes more complex and cannot be a one size fits all solution if it's going to be stated in concrete terms. I remember in A Gentle Path Through The 12 Steps Carnes(?) said there is such a thing as an all addiction group but my guess is most have not seen it because it's rare, and that speaks to the culture and the tendency to compartmentalize issues which I also do not believe goes far enough.

 

Also to touch on mental health /illness, if it's framed as an illness it seems to be that there's an issue of stigma though it's identifiable and people think in terms of a solution. If it's framed as a condition with certain characteristics it's less stigmatizing and functional, but people might not relate because it involves abstraction. But the disease /cure framework may not connect the dots for people to see, so I don't know how to do both so people have the benefit of both unless they take the time to go through a certain amount of detail.

 

No O. Self reliance is a part but I guess you can say if you want to go farther you ultimately tailor your own program. In that sense the existing recovery programs are like a template, and just as a computer programmer wouldn't just use a general template forever but design something from the ground up it would be like that in recovery. And if there are other programmers in this sense it can involve a different level of collaboration rather than just the kind of social support that seeks to be heard and seen.

And no diagnosis of adhd but I haven't sought much psychological services so who knows, though it would probably not be an extreme case.

 

Technically no but it should be obvious I'm fluent and it's now my primary language for decades. I think people want the tldr when I included specifics they are just tuning out. If someone just counts days this is not a post for them.

 

Since a few people have commented along these lines I'll just say real quick: Do you recognize the difference between something being not meaningful to you personally or that you don't find relevant vs. no meaning to anyone at all? If you want the gist without the details that's one thing but why would you assume the details mean nothing even when there's something specific named from a third party with a reference?