I'm addicted but I cant find strong reasons to quit Update: 30 day streak

Well, if you really think porn is not causing any problems in ur life then it's not an addiction, by definition. And if you want to improve other areas in life, you can use your time reading books instead of using it on P (if you think quitting P does u no good, then i bet quiting is no harm right? At least u have more free time to do other things). Yeah just a cliché advice from the one who are currently depressed and truly addicted lol.

 

I can only speak from personal experience but I only realised the negative effect porn was having on me once I quit for an extended period of time. I'd gotten so used to the brain fog that I'd learnt to function with it and like you, porn hardly ever, or even never, stopped me from doing more important things. But it seeped into my life in more insidious ways that weren't immediately obvious.

It seems a bit contradictory to me that you say you don't see any negatives to your porn use but then list some things that, to me, could easily be caused by porn use. My advice is to see if you can go cold turkey from PMO to see how addicted you truly are. Then reassess your goals.

 

The one thing that helped me was to think about how my life was going to be if I continued PMO. So like how will me life be like in 5 yrs if I was still PMOing. This helped me realize all the reasons I had to quit.

 

I'm almost 40 now. Let me tell you, if I could have a time machine and go and tell my 28 year old self one thing: it wouldn't be the lotto numbers that are coming up, it would be to go and get help now! This very second. I would scare his ass straight. Because now at 40 I deal with so many things that I didn't have to deal with at 28. If you think that this addiction shouldn't be worked on now, and you don't have too big of a problem to solve, you're wrong. You need to attack this PMO addiction with extreme intelligence and always stay alert. This isn't something to take lightly. I have destroyed myself physically, mentally and financially because of this shit. We're talking over 2 decades of PMO, adult clubs, massage places, ladies of the night. This will destroy me further as well, if I allow it to. This is life. We only get one life. Make the changes and come here regularly to improve yourself.

 

Why not find several weak reasons, instead of one strong one? life is seldom mono-causal or driven by a strictly (one) priority or prerogative. Usually, affairs are many-faceted.

 

I'm not mad at you or anyone else for not making this connection. It's common knowledge that drugs, anything from tobacco and alcohol to crack and black tar heroine, is bad for you. Virtually nobody outside of this community acknowledges even the possibility that porn could have negative physical consequences. It's just pictures and sound, right? How could that possibly...? But we know just being outside, even looking at a picture of a tree, improves surgery outcomes. Listening to music can dramatically affect a person's mood. Just looking at a color can make you angry and aggressive, sad and maudlin, introspective, or happy. It's possible that simple images and sounds from porn can have a dramatic affect on a person.

It's taken a lot of experimentation to learn, for me, there is a direct correlation between porn/fantasy/masturbation/orgasm, and irritability, depression, despair, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. Others report a correlation with inhibited cognitive function. Spouses report reduced emotional connection, lack of attention, even a different and unpleasant smell following their partner's porn use. They say it's like the addict's eyes glaze over and they are checked out. A lot of people experience negative consequences from using porn, even though it's not obvious to most people.

One major problem is that an addict is usually completely unaware of how his (we're usually male) behavior changes post use. We can have the same values, be interested in the same things, do the same activities, but we don't notice the same things or react in the same ways, as if we were a couple weeks out from having used porn.

Extreme fetishes is another problem. Porn changes your expectations for real world relationships, full stop. It doesn't matter if you consciously know porn isn't reflective of real life and you need to compensate for that. You cannot compensate for that. It's subconscious, but real and significant. Another element to consider is the ethics of consumption. It's not usually enough to deter an addict, but even in "vanilla" porn, you have unquestionably seen women abused and raped even if it didn't look like it, and that only escalates in the extreme fetishes. Porn has a lot of negatives for you as the end user, but it also makes you complicit in exploitation and human trafficking.

You are correct, you don't know what affect stopping will have until you try. I am reluctant to promise anyone they will be more attractive if they try NoFap. In my opinion, not watching strangers having sex so you can have more real world sex with strangers is still buying into porn's paradigm. Still, it is possible your behavior is subtly off-putting to women, or your brain is numbed to the signals women are already throwing your way. I can practically guarantee you, though, that your depression is exacerbated by porn. Don't do it to "get more girls," try it for your own mental health.

The way you know is by the scientific method. Quit porn, and see if the situation improves. But again, if you are using porn, your priorities are shaped by porn. Unplug from the Matrix and discover there's more to life than sex.

I don't. I don't think it's a coincidence at all. I think it's interesting how the ONE time you had a significant gap in your porn use was the ONE time you attracted a woman into an admittedly toxic relationship (possibly porn informed expectations helped sabotage that? Might be worth exploring), but you're handwaving that away as coincidence. Then most of your post is about how you don't think there's any good reason to quit porn. That, my friend, looks like classic denial. But you're here and asking questions, so a part of you knows what's going on. It's just, the other parts really, really don't want to give up the Precious. I totally get that, do you see my counter? I've gone over a hundred days before, but I keep coming back, it's an absolute mess. Addiction is a monster. It looks for any excuse it can.

Start abstaining from porn and keep a daily journal. Document the changes you feel, your attitudes about porn, about women, how your mental health is coming along. If you can get to 90 days straight, and you look back on your journal and don't see a change, then I'll say you were right and it's fine, you can go back to whacking the noodle with feverish abandon. I don't think that's going to happen, though. I think you're going to struggle, like most of us do, with even getting to 30 days, but you're also going to see some positive changes if you can get more than a week or three.

I recommend Liftoff as a challenge, because it encourages multiple behaviors that help you quit and doesn't disproportionately punish you for a slip and discourage you from the entire enterprise. I don't really care, though, just do whatever it takes to quit. One thing you can't do, though, is talk about how you don't see what benefit it can have for you without ever trying in the first place.

 

For me personally it is just a really empowering feeling to detach yourself from a habit, any recreational habit and even more so any forms of addictions. When you start to break the circle of addiction or better try it, you might just realize how strong of an addiction there is. To me, it is important to be able to break this circle of habit and identification even.

That is just my two cents, I hope it makes sense. I am sure you can use porn and not be addicted and be a fine human being!

I have just realized for myself, how porn became a daily (or better nightly before sleep) habit and I have gotten used to using it as a help to get to sleep. Meanwhile I always looked for/needed/wanted new content, more stimuli, more extreme, going on long binges and dopamine rushes..

I was okay with that. But I want to prove to myself that I am ok without that as well. And make more and better use of the time I have in life.

 

In my experience, 30 days is enough to see some changes, but not enough to see a justification to quit permanently. The tradeoffs of frustration and constant urges against the minimal perceived benefits just don't seem to be worth it. However, provided you are putting good replacement practices in place, urges and frustration reduces and the head clears. Anywhere from 30 to 50-60 days is where I see the most dramatic improvement. That's my timeline. Other people inhabit different bodies, and experience different reactions and pacing. I don't have wet dreams, for instance. Some deal with that constantly. Some experience benefits faster, or slower, usually based on length of time addicted. And then, of course, we necessarily have to test in the field. Life is going on around you, there's no way to keep it a controlled environment. Things are different this time from last time.

That clarifies things. Two weeks may or may not have affected your behavior. There's not enough data to form a definitive conclusion.

That's good. My theory is, sex is for reproduction first. It's for pair-bonding second, because success for the offspring is exponentially enhanced if said offspring's parents are pair-bonded. It's for recreation third, to help trick us into reproducing in the first place because when you think about it, reproduction, especially as a human, doesn't make a lot of sense. Of course we are humans, we've learned how to cheat and get access to the recreation without paying the consequences of reproduction, but that doesn't mean we can use sex as a toy and experience no consequences at all. Sex still bonds you to a partner on a chemical level, whether you think it does or not, and if you get in the habit of using sex with strangers, or without a real person at all like in porn, weird, bad things are going to happen to your body on a chemical and psychological level.

I absolutely do think porn inhibits our ability to attract and retain a mate. If you're using porn a small but basic portion of your brain believes it already has access to a whole range of mates, better than the one in front of you. Why do all the work for this one? But another part knows those mates you already have aren't real, so a dissonance is created. If you stop using porn, that basic part begins to understand it doesn't have access to those mates any more, and stops putting up blocks when you try for a real one. It's going to be a subtle, subconscious difference, but your behavior will be altered enough to make that difference.

I don't think, however, that just quitting porn is enough to get a girlfriend. All that does is remove the block. You still have to learn how to attract a mate, and honestly I can't help you with that. I had a weird dating situation and, like yours, it's soured. I can blame porn, I can blame ADD, I can blame her trauma, but ultimately none of that changes the fact that I don't have any room to tell anybody how to date or how to maintain a strong relationship.

Porn, I think, alters our expectations for sex and relationships. You don't have to be watching it for it to affect your expectations. Porn is permanently part of your sexual experience, it colors your perceptions and expectations, whether you like it or not. I know my expectations of sex absolutely has had a negative impact on my relationship, and it's not just porn that was to blame. There were other beliefs I picked up from different sources that gave me unrealistic, erroneous expectations, and I got messed up when things didn't work the way I thought they should. It's good that you prefer real world intimacy, that's not always the case with addicts. Addicts frequently discover real sex is different and more disappointing than the fantasy porn sold them, and they prefer to remain in the fantasy. That's not you, you've dodged that bullet. Porn can still negatively impact you and your behavior, especially in an intimate relationship context, whether you are actively using or not. I think this is especially true as you mentioned extreme fetishes. There's not anything you can do about past use, but you can avoid exacerbating the problem with continued use.

That alone is enough. Forget the relationships part for the moment. I know you're saying you're this way because you're not in a relationship and you're lonely, but I'm telling you, porn exacerbates depression. I don't know that you'll get a girlfriend if you quit porn, but I can virtually guarantee you'll not feel as bad for not having a girlfriend if you quit porn.

You won't magically get a girlfriend if you stop porn. You'll still have to work for that. I think your odds of getting a girlfriend while on porn is significantly reduced, though.

 

I've seen a lot of heartfelt posts on this thread, but at the end of the day, I can only speak for myself.

Last month, I installed an app to block access to porn and social media for an entire month. During that period of time, I was able to successfully stay away from all PMO as well for a period of 35 days. On a site like this, that's a rather small achievement, considering that some users have been PMO-free for over 500 days. However, the longest I had ever gone without PMO in my life prior to this was 30 days, and that was back in 2017, so for me, this was a huge leap forward. To add to that, I joined a boxing gym and the local writing club, the latter of which meets monthly for lectures and critique.

TO be honest, I didn't feel many physical benefits. People on this forum (including this thread) discuss brain fog being reduced, but I suppose 35 days isn't really enough to experience that benefit. Then again, I wouldn't really know what brain fog even feels like, because I've probably had it for so long. Not to mention I've been diagnosed with ADHD, so my mind does tend to wander a lot, especially when I'm bored.

Anyway, I haven't really gone to the gym long enough to feel the exercise effects. I still can't do thirty push-ups in a single set, and I'm much slower than the other group members (I can hold a plank longer than most of them, though). I have cleaned up my diet, but I still buy sandwich wraps from the local cafe, since I never feel full when I try to eat healthy (maybe that's a portions problem). So, in terms of exercise and focus, I can't say there's been much improvement; either I didn't do it long enough, or there's some other explanation.

However, if there's one area that did improve was my social life. Since I ended up joining clubs and a gym, I was talking to more people and getting out of my comfort zone. I'm usually very introverted and a home body, so meeting people was very rare. I went out for a coffee five different times between late June to today; three times with one girl, once with another, and I bought one for another lady I made friends with today. Most of my friends are women, and I got a chance to spend more time with all of them over the past month or so. Furthermore, my relationship with my family vastly improved, since I was able to spend more time with them as well.

Today I was thinking about why my social life improved, and I came to two reasons: First, I usually don't go out much, preferring the routine of going to work, going home and spending the night viewing porn. Second, now that I got rid of my porn (including backups, while also installing blockers), I felt that I could be more of myself without any skeletons in my closet (Gee, I hope no one finds the stuff on my phone...). In the end, this was the only real reward I could honestly say I got. I also felt less irritable, since I usually watched porn at night, resulting in reduced sleep time and more grogginess throughout the day. Not to mention I no longer felt orgasm hangovers.

This all might sound like good news, but deep down, being porn free didn't make me happy. To be honest, I was bored; with porn, there was something to look forward to, but without it, you're forced to come up with new plans and goals, which is something I never really did before (at least not on a large scale). I guess attending the gym, clubs, and finding time to spend with friends took up my time and distracted me, while in the back of my head I tried to keep up the routine lest I slip back into PMO. In short, it didn't feel like a very sustainable plan, which it turned out to not be.

Everyone is different in the end. Too often, people on this forum treat recovery as a one size fits all: from the challenges people post to the rehashed advice (such as cold showers, which I did start doing, by the way). In the end, I kept thinking what's the point of all of this? This question would usually get met with the usual generic self-help sloganeering (Get a new hobby! Learn a new skill!), but that points to the question of why I hadn't in the first place, which would be met by those saying that PMO robs you of that desire. To me, this all descends into a downward spiral of circular arguments: Living addiction free (for me, at least) was more than just quitting to suddenly reaching some nirvana like state, like the Buddha under the Bodhi tree.

However, I'm not trying to justify giving up. These are just the issues I've faced, just so you know that you're not alone. I hope you find the solutions you're looking for.

 

OP the simple fact that you came here to post about your addiction that already kind of implies that you have a strong reason to quit. Good luck!

 

If the only things you have changed is stopping PMO and MO, then you will not see much difference in your feelings. Nofap is about fixing the things that cause you to want to PMO. If you don't fix those issues, there isn't much reason for trying Nofap.

 

Sorry, but I don't want to read all your post and you may have answered this question. Why do you think Nofap will help you with finding a girlfriend? I get that Nofap will help you quit porn. Some of what you posted said that you are an extroverted guy who goes the gym and is successful in most aspects of his life.
Why do you think you are not successful with the women, and why do think Nofap would change that?