Starting over

I am ready for another attempt, I need to get PMO and associated problematic sexual behaviour in control. My life story or my purpose on this planet can’t be that of a person who got fixed and tricked by pixels into wrecking my life 100%.

I am largely a happy go lucky, kind individual with a loving family, friends and a job I love and incidentally is in the health care sector. I definitely am reeling with the side effects that porn and sex addiction bring. Poor social skills, chaser effect, difficulty focussing or concentrating, brain fog made worse due to smoking (switched to vape 3 weeks back, 1 thing at a time).

Uses porn and/or smoking, preferably together due to the dopamine spikes the combined use brings in the face of the slightest stress or any task that requires “effort”. I never was like this. Built myself the hard way through nights of hard work at the office only to see myself procrastinate and lose motivation. Once again, dopamine baselines impacted due to continued porn and tobacco usage.

Been dealing with porn addiction since the last 20 years.

scored a 13 on SAST.

I am married, love my wife more than anything I have, will or want to as long as I live. Yet, I have wasted so much potential on pixels, apps and embarrassingly on escorts.

I did confess to my partner about my porn addiction and she’s supportive but needs me to put in the work and take therapy if it bothers me so much. I also indicated about my escorting habits in the past and she has a rough idea that I definitely am a colourful personality. While we have some strict rules on what’s permissible and what’s not, it never had to be this way. She’s a kind, simple and a gentle person deserving of a partner who’s complete and not broken.

I feel guilty that inspite of always wanting the best for her , I selfishly consumed and got consumed by my addiction.

Nothing good about it. I am ashamed that my marriage and my sex life with partner and my ability to love deeper was compromised due to my selfish and addictive habits. We are mostly in a happy space with things that need working on such as prioritising romance, together time etc.

No more, my marriage matters, my mental and physical health matters. This cannot go on forever until the costs are exponentially higher.

I took therapy in the past but to no avail. Been reading everyone’s postings on this forum and will try out a few suggestions. If i have any more relapses over a 7 day period, I will seriously consider seeking counselling.

i wanted and needed a community, thank you reader for reading my story. I need your support, this is tough and an uphill battle. One I want to be proud about as I grow older and hopefully wiser.

 

+ to everything everyone’s already highlighted to the sex frenzy on social media. Deleted my cheap thrills shadow Twitter account, deleted Reddit from my phone and Snapchat (if it wasn’t already embarrassing for a 35 year old adult to be on SC) . My partner is currently on holidays and away and will be back next week. I think a week of abstinence in her absence would mean a lot to me and give me confidence in my ability to have self control when no one’s around.

Please help me help myself by being firm in your feedback, guidance and calling out any BS.

 

My day 1 update before I start moving this to a journal:

1. Slacked off a bit at work, have a plan to finish things before I head to bed and finish my plan for the week maximum tomorrow.
2. Zero exposure to P/M/O or any impulse to indulge.
3. Been watching Huberman’s videos on YouTube and his podcasts on the relationship between dopamine and addictive behaviours. Also plan to purchase the your brain on porn book.

4. Areas to improve: commit to a schedule, cook & clean the house. Devote time to reading and self care. Fix sleep cycle. Workout regularly and eat whole nutritious food.

I hope I can build on a streak.

 

If anyone would like to follow my journey, I am writing regularly in the 30-39 rebooting forum. I can definitely do with some motivation and company from my fellow fapstronauts.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write back Jas. I wish you all the good luck to make meaningful and consistent progress in your journey. How did you go about finding and working with your AP? I think there’s a thread for that?

Huberman is amazing. There is thankfully a decent amount of literature and growing research to understand how any addiction works. Another really good source of information is a channel on YouTube called Doc Snipes. Hope you or anyone who comes across this thread in the future find that useful.

I will most certainly benefit from learning what strategies the rest of the members are applying to stay committed to the process and re-carve an improved identity on who they wish to be and commit to it.

Like anything else, starting something is easy, the monkey brain and its curiosity to peek on what it’s been missing over a horizon of time is where it starts to get risky. I intend to journal every single day and make a commitment here to remind myself that I do not care or wish to indulge in “that”.

I do not care or wish to live a hedonistic life. I do not care or wish to normalise how I view a society that increasingly normalises infidelity, inappropriate sexual media consumption via IG/ OF/ or any other channels.

I will continue to work every single day to improve my social relationships, improve my work ethics and cook/clean/ be around people that matter and add positive value. Be a bit of a social butterfly for the right reasons. Participate in adventure related activities. Not make empty promises and get dopamine hits of satisfaction by making a promise you don’t intend to fulfill.

I am vaping currently to put my cigarette habits behind me but I acknowledge it’s not health positive for me. I used to be a fairly active person in the fitness space, lift heavy and consistently and even now I am relatively lean but muscular but the drive or motivation to why the gym matters or the ability to say “tomorrow” is when I will start again is where I find myself.

huberman said, it’s extremely important to enjoy the “process” and not get tied to the outcomes or work for a reward such as looking good/being fit, being free of an addiction ( because simply, a relapse is just a minute away at any time) . These are all nice things to have and enjoy but us addicts have a messed up relationship already with our rewards circuit in the brain, so less pleasure and a better relationship with pain / process is what I am thinking to align myself to.