Day 48 Last night I had another erotic dream. They're becoming more frequent, and this morning it lead to fantasizing thoughts. It took a lot of effort on my part to drown out those thoughts and to think about something else. Mainly coming here and making a post is helping. But I had a really productive day yesterday, so it's not like something bad happened and it triggered those thoughts. What might be triggering those thoughts is that I thought about the possibility of getting a girlfriend. I decided to not to do that right now because it can be a trigger that leads to pmo for me. I've decided instead to put all my focus into achieving the goals I've set for myself so that when I become more successful, and overcome my pmo addiction, that I could get a girlfriend in the first place. Yesterday I had an exam in the morning, played the piano for 3 hours, went out for coffee studying music theory, and I read some of the Lord of the Rings before bed time. I'm here with my morning coffee writing on nofap.com and I'm still here in the game on day 48. After school this morning I plan to again to practice the piano in my free time. Or no class today I guess because I just checked my school email to see that it's cancelled. Whenever class is cancelled that seems to be a trigger for being lazy, and one thing leads to another which could be pmo. I'll do what my instructor suggested and go over the material we were supposed to today, instead of playing video games or something like that. After doing that I might go out for a coffee with my music theory to study, or go for a walk since it's so nice out. A part of the key to overcoming pmo addiction is finding other things to put your energy and time into. And I think it has to be productive where you can expect real positive results and rewards, not something that is empty at the end of the day like playing video games all day.
Day 50 I played piano for 3 and 1/2 hours yesterday. Finally I'm seeing what I can do. I was seriously underestimating myself, and that negative way of thinking about myself really is the cause for me being addicted to pmo. I thought before that there's no way that I could become a classical piano teacher. Wrong! It's something I'm good at and like doing. All this time I've absorbed everyone elses negative beliefs about themselves and took it as my own beliefs. I don't choose to believe in the self hating thoughts of everyone else. I choose to be resolutely proud of what I've accomplished, which rolls in the face of everyone that's negative. What I've found out which most people on this planet fail to realize is that if you push yourself in doing something that you believe in, you will become surprised at what you're capable of doing. It's the do-nothings and quitters of the world who that want to create the standard where we are inherently weak. There are people out there who harbor desires to tear other people down in order to control them, and one way that's done is through false compassion. A kind of so called compassion where they support a narrative that you're helpless and vulnerable, and that they can help you. But they help you by making you dependent on them, and keep you in a state of dependency to them so that you can't get away from them. I was raised to not believe that people are capable of that, but those were the very people who raised me! There is malevolence in the world, and it can come in very petty forms. Not everyone who does evil is an obvious villain. They make it seem like they're you're friend, but you will know they're not if they're corrupting you. That is what has been the real issue for me constantly relapsing into pmo over the years. This isn't just a mere addiction, but it says what you think about yourself. If you have this habit, it says that you think you are not worth more than committing your life to pmo. And that is sad. It's choosing to be like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings.
Day 51 - Jedi Knight What I've found helpful is to stop thinking that there's something wrong with me, and to start thinking about what I can do to feel better. My therapist recommended to focus on my positive qualities to become psychologically healthy. If I'm unhappy in my life, being addicted to pmo is a part of that, then what do I need to do to become happy? Becoming successful would help. Stop thinking that I'm a loser, and I'll start thinking about how I can win. From there I then come up with a goal to work on to be successful in, the goal of becoming a classical piano teacher. Now I'm working on the goal and I feel better about myself, and it keeps me away from pmo. I will be happy again when I've worked long enough at making my life better, rather than focusing on how painful my life has been. Hope at a better life and taking action on that hope is the way out of this addiction. This isn't about managing an addiction, this is about getting out of a hole of meaninglessness you've been in for a very long time, and learning to gradually pull together a meaningful life for yourself.
Day 0 - Youngling No Porn❌ No Masturbation❌ No Orgasm❌ No P-Subs ❌ I knowingly caved in today, and didn't care. I knew I should've found something else, but I just thought, 'what the heck'. Awful state of mind, I know. Not sure what's happening to my mental state right now. I orgasmed and usually, I feel guilty, but still, I don't feel any shame.
I remember that. The lack of feeling anything after relapse. It's probably not uncommon for us to feel that way after release. It might not be a bad thing to not feel shame. I don't like guilt as a motivator. We know this habit is bad from the way it affects our lives. Guilt hasn't helped me to overcome it. In fact I think I remember almost really enjoying the last thing I pmo'ed too and I didn't feel guilty about it.
I think I was in trouble of getting into that all or nothing mentality again. It's hard to balance. I think I will go out tomorrow just for a coffee and enjoy my Sunday off, and not pressure myself to work to exhaustion. I was going through the old posts because I was having trouble with pmo thoughts, and I think this helped as a good distraction.
I definitely need to practice what I preach. Truth be told, it's also been a bit demoralising seeing so many people do so well, and after getting on a decent streak myself, I've got myself in a bit of a rut. I'm not sure why, but it was quite relieving to read that you didn't feel guilty about your relapse. I probably just need to relax a bit. I've been so focused on avoiding P-subs, as that's been a secret addiction, and getting numbers on the board in terms of a streak, I've forgotten to enjoy life.
I've been trying to figure why I've managed to keep this current streak going because I have no routine or plan. It's the longest one for me, and I feel like I haven't done that much to avoid pmo. The difference I think might be from talking with my therapist and that he tries to teach me how to be happy, and not so critical of myself. I think that unhappiness and self criticism is the real cause of addiction, and that it's very difficult for happy people to become addicted. What made the difference for my reboot this time I think is letting go feeling guilty about myself, and seeing that what I really want is a girlfriend for sex. There's nothing to feel guilty in that, it's just that I got messed up when I was a kid watching porn almost 2 decades ago now. I think a part of the guilt is that being addicted to pmo makes you feel sexually useless, like you can't get a real woman so you lower yourself to pixels on a screen. Well rather than feeling guilty I managed to turn my feelings around and actually valuing the sensations I feel for pmo. I recognize that if I give into these sensations I'll relapse, which I don't want, but I see it as motivation rather than discouraging. And that I think has helped me to enjoy my life more rather than being unhappy from feeling guilty. It's okay to want females for sex. It's just that we've been messed up with porn addiction, many of us since we were children. I'm beginning to see it as it's only worth it if she's real, and that she want's me too. These pmo thoughts simply isn't what I'm looking for. Getting a real girlfriend is. That is a hard thing to accomplish, but it's the only worthwhile outcome. Working on goals in my life to be more attractive to women as a man has also been helping me to stay away from pmo. Enjoying working on goals has been helping, when I don't overwork myself. I think if you can enjoy improving your life that's the best thing we can do to overcome pmo addiction.
@-Angel- About feeling discouraged from seeing others doing well on the forum. I'm a pianist, or I would like to call myself one. I started playing piano 9 years ago. When I started I was so into and enthusiastic about learning how to play music. It was like learning how to do magic. After a couple of years I started to feel discouraged seeing how much work would be needed to progress, because my goal was to become a classical piano teacher. So I stopped playing after a couple of years and fell into a depression, and a lot of pmo use. Well after lot happening in life, I've been getting back into piano again, and I'm seeing how negative I was thinking about myself. But again I felt discouraged for a moment watching a Ph.d in piano play something that I'm learning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She has been playing piano since she was a kid, she's a professor at a university teaching music and piano, and there are a lot of people that like who have a lot more qualifications than I do. The competition is going to be rough if I want to be a teacher. I'm still figuring out feeling discouraged about this. Last time I gave up because I became so depressed. But it's either do what I want in life, be a piano teacher, or it's back to pmo use. I'm not going back. I'm done with living in hell, and I want to live!
Day 52 - Jedi Knight Last night I was having pmo thoughts, and I decided to do more piano practice to distract myself. For 2 hours. It worked, and I managed to tear up playing a song made by Bachs son. And I'm amazed at how much progress I've been able to make getting prepared for the piano exam. I thought maybe it would be half a year, but it's looking a lot closer now. These exams are a big deal and are internationally recognized as your level of ability as a musician. I'm feeling the pressure to perform in front of the examiners, but I'm having fun now compared to last time where I just felt dread and anxiety all the time.
