For brief context, in my religion having sex outside marriage is not allowed. My problem I currently have is, I think due to my sex addiction and what I did in the past before I was Muslim, I basically only desire and want women outside of marriage and desire variety at my age (in my 20s) I know after everyone does their dating days eventually they settle down at a later age in their 30s and some in their 40s. But thats besides the point, I basically am only attracted to and desire women outside of marriage, and because I can't have that due to my religion, I am basically dying inside due to sexual urges to be with women(PMO probably also contributes to this) because I want something I can't have, and suffering from sadness and other negative feelings due to this. My question is, to the married people here, who had a sex addiction before, or who liked having a variety of women and not beign stuck with one person their entire life. Does marriage actually fulfill a person sexually, or do you always still have this desire and attraction for other women, but due to you being faithful to your partner, you refrain from doing anything about it. Will their ever be a stage where I will be completely satisfied with one women my entire life and not desire other women and struggle to keep myself faithful and not act on my desires?
I like these questions. For me, no. Marriage did not automatically fix this desire in me to hump every woman in sight. This is possible. But not without conditioning my eyes and mind to rule out all other women other than my wife. To make her the only woman in the world so that she became the most beautiful woman in the world. I say, "No," to the first fantasy and the first look. And thus, there isn't a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth. And if I don't look, I won't lust. And if I don't lust, I won't crave. And if I don't crave, I won't cave. Game over. I win. For a long time, I tried to avoid P and MB while showing no restraint to what I expose my eyes and mind to. My mind and eyes are fragile. It doesn't take much to cause them to overheat. Thus, I was constantly putting myself in a state of deprivation, craving, obsessing, white-knuckling, until I finally gave in. So I don't give myself permission to look or to think about such things that would cause me to stumble. I know what checking out all the women in this restaurant will do to me. Lust directly hurts myself. Do I do this perfectly? No. But as long as I win more battles than I lose with lust and fantasy, I will win this war. But if I keep losing battle after battle after battle in this area, then I will lose this war. So for me, this is working great. It's been much easier, with the help of God, to clean up my inside so that my outside would also be clean, then to clean up my outside hoping that some of that cleanliness would rub off on the inside.
Thank you this is the answer I was looking for and I was expecting, if you work on yourself hard enough to remove your desire to other women before marriage(less ideally after marriage) then when getting married desiring other women will not be a problem but may I ask you a question, does marriage fulfill you sexually? What do you think about living a celibate lifestyle? What benefits do you see in marriage for a person who doesn't care about love or companionship.
Besides what you said about sex addiction and craving for other women, better say novelty! There's something called "The Coolidge effect". And (probably) the only way to avoid it is a method called Karezza. I suggest reading the book "Cupid's posioned arrow". This could be a life changing thing. Also check out people's experience about Karezza on reddit. So yeah..I think it's possible to be committed to only one woman. Though we're not created for that biologically. Just read the book. However I haven't read it completely. But it's mind blowing already. Good luck.
From an evolutionary perspective it is to men’s advantage to have sex with as many women as possible, thus increasing the spread of their genes. Thus the Coolidge effect. Most, if not all, men look at and/or fantasize about out her women. Even President Jimmy Carter famously said in a Playboy interview that he has lust for other women. Thus, you are not alone. Because of religious expectations and social mores, many men suppress their desires, though of course, many resort to extra-marital affairs, prostitution, and, if nothing else, pornography. From my own perspective, although I do look at and think about having sex with other women, I never got to the point where I was seriously considering it. My first wife had an affair outside of our marriage and it hurt me badly. I could never do something like that to my current wife. But that is just me.what you are going through is perfectly normal and maybe even in the majority. So, how is sex with your wife? Is there anything you can do to improve it with the goal of lessening your desire to seek sex elsewhere? Maybe you could even share your feelings with your wife, while also reassuring her that you love her and don’t wish to betray her. I know that would be hard to do and am not sure I could do it either, but maybe it could help if you did it right and in a non-threatening way. Good luck,man!
I'm not married but I am asking these questions before I get married if I ever do so I can know what to expect
Marry your best friend. Sex is so far down the line of what you do throughout your life. By that, I mean you work 40+ hours a week, you sleep 6-8 hours a day, if you have kids they take so much time and energy. Make sure you genuinely like the person you marry. Make sure you are honest. If you cannot be honest, then don’t marry. Honesty about who you are is being able to trust the other person and be vulnerable with them. Look for that same quality in a partner. Now, is sex important? Absolutely. However, it’s rarely on demand like pmo and it doesn’t give the same hits. It can get pushed to the sidelines ( many times by women but also by men) and be neglected by one partner leaving the other feeling rejected and resentful. Make sure you can talk openly about sex. Talk about everything! I’ve been with my husband 36 years, if we hadn’t be one friends first, I would not still be with him. I married my best friend, lost him to addiction for decades, got him back in recovery. I love him more today than the day I married him.
Yes, marriage does fulfill me sexually. But only after leaving PMO, lust, and fantasy behind. There are advantages to living a celibate lifestyle because marriage is a complete life changing experience. All day, working to spend time with the wife, kids, building the home, working hard longer hours to support the family, sleepless nights when babies are crying and need their diapers changed. Being celibate will mean you have a lot more time and resources for yourself. One will need lots of hobbies and friends to keep occupied. But if love and companionship are not desired, then it may be the best life because you'll get plenty of both when you're married.
Thanks also another reason why I don't want to get married is because I love my alone time, and with being married that is going to be very difficult
Lol, I love my alone time too! You know you aren’t joined at the hip. It’s only difficult if you have kids. You cannot just escape whenever you want. But if your partner loves and understands you and you’re honest it’s not hard to work out. My husband likes “ together” time way more than I do, but he also knows my alone time is not a rejection of him it’s a recharging for me. You don’t have to marry. No one says it’s the only way to go. One of our best friends has never married and has no desire to. He’s perfectly happy ( he’s 54). No kids, no ex wife, just a happy guy living his life.
This is absolutely the best advice ever! My wife and I were great friends before we married and fell in love going to baseball games together. Thirty four years later, we still have a wonderful marriage. Sex is very important--no doubt about it--but it is much easier to become sexually compatible with someone you genuinely like than it is to develop a close friendship with someone who you enjoy sexually.
I really can't see any at all. No good ones, anyway. Perhaps there is some financial benefit to it or if there is a strong desire to raise a family (maybe), but marriage without love and companionship is worthless. Worst than that, it is misery. That describes the last several years of my first marriage, so I know from experience.
I agree. Total misery if you don’t want love and companionship, especially if you’re the one who married because you wanted that and your partner was unable or unwilling to give it
