Yesterday i read an interesting sentence. It was part of an article in an IT forum, but it immediately caught me because I think it had a very valid message for us: "You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your system" (James Clear, Atomic Habits) Many here have very ambitious goals, the higher the better. But instead of succeeding gloriously we can read so much about failure, relapse and despair. But why is this so? Maybe we shouldn't focus that much on unachievable goals but rather on the toolset to reach this goals, our mental "system". I miss such threads. I'd really like to learn what tools you developed in your journey.
I've never been as successful as I am now on NoFap, and it's pretty much only because of the system I have implemented. I've been through a lot of ups and downs on NoFap, but never completely freed myself from porn. I still am not, but I'm doing so much better than any time since discovering porn. But yeah, I just hit 5 months on full hardmode. First of all, easy mode isn't gonna work. If we define easy mode as no porn but sex and masturbation are allowed, it's going to be extremely hard to go long periods without porn. This is because the emotions generated from horniness and allowing overindulgence on a normal basis is going to screw up your self-control. Simply put, M is gonna lead to P eventually. Also, for normal mode, although I think it's fine to have sex during no pmo, I think it should be restricted to just sex with a regular partner/spouse. Anyways, hardmode is probably the easiest and most effective version because abstinence of everything sexual works best. It develops a mindset that delivered me away from the entire world of sex, so now I'm almost indifferent to nudity. Like if I saw porn right now I might look for a few seconds but I would look away in disgust, even if I was alone. Okay, so anyways to answer the question about how tools helped me: Around deep into NoNutNovember last year, I relapsed quite badly, after about 25 days. I had deleted most forms of social media, was playing sports, working out, and taking cold showers daily. I was doing push-ups, taking walks, and initiating emergency protocols every time I experienced urges to watch PMO. So the fact that I failed (badly) pretty much forced me to make a choice: quit NoFap and just accept it as a part of my life, or kick things up another notch and go absolutely all-out. Like I was unbelievably hopeless, I have been through two and half years of cycles ranging from 7-30 (twice 100+) day steaks. But I felt like if I could fail at day 120 and day 135 (which happened), I would never be able to get away from porn. So basically I took some massive action. What helped me get to where I am today actually draws back to my US History class. While studying about the birth of America, I realized something. Success all depends on the system. The Articles of Confederation were drafted to make massive changes to how the government was structured so people could have individual rights in America. However, the system was flawed from the start, and our founding fathers realized we needed a strong central government to function for a long period of time. So, the Constitution was drawn up, and now it is the world's longest lasting democracy functioning under a piece of paper that dictates 300 million people. A lot has happened since 1787. Many, many low points such as the Civil War, imperialism, and racism. However, the stars and stripes still fly today because our system allowed the nation to grow as time went on. Because of the system, the USA became the wealthiest and most powerful in the world. So I drafted my own constitution, written on the first page of my NoFap journal. It mentioned every single rule and allowed for changes, just like amendments to the constitution. The key point is I've never PMOed since my rules were created. Also, I've also gone through ups and downs since the beginning, but the system continues to function. Drafting a rules list simply isn't enough. Defining what is a slip-up and what is a streak reset is important, but many people do not take the time to define all situations. My rules list isn't too long, but it's detailed enough to define every situation which threatens my streak. My system requires many things beyond No Porn, Masturbation, or Orgasm. Only with a strong enough system have I kept my streak running. I also want to mention that this "Constitution" needs to be suited for the individual. It will not always work to copy and paste someone else's rules, even if they are super successful. You need to experience exactly what works for you. I discovered that despite all the advice on this website, meditation doesn't help myself abstain from PMO. My life has been geared on productivity and progression, so freezing everything up and meditating doesn't necessarily work best for me. My relationship with the Lord is separate, and praying helps "progress" my relationship with Jesus, but I don't find that directly communicating and asking for forgiveness with God will directly translate to success with NoFap. Instead, I "progress" my relationship with Jesus indirectly by incorporating religious values to my life and abstaining from PMO in the name of Jesus instead. My NoFap journal consists of exercises, school work, mental health, and activities to document if my life is moving me forward or backward. And seeing that I have been moving forward for the majority of the last 150 days has contributed to my success. So yeah, my system works for me, but my system isn't gonna be as effective for someone who finds themselves succeeding through meditation. TL, DR: Establishing the proper system in the beginning of your NoFap journey increases your chances of achieving goals, but only if you develop a system that simultaneously restricts any sort of loopholes leading to failure and properly specializes in a lifestyle suited for you. I found success by keeping track of a consistent journal that outlines my ups and downs in terms of NoFap on a daily basis. I only started succeeding with NoFap when I drafted my own "Constitution" which addressed every future situation which would take place during my reboot.
Hey, thank you for your detailed reply @Restored Rebooter. This is very helpful. At least for me but surely for others, too. There are some things we both have in common, and some points where we differ. First of all I absolutely agree that only hard mode will do. At the moment I am working out my "constitution" in my own journal. It's still a draft. But one can already see that I have chosen a completely other way. For me it's rather about to embrace and endure the "urges" and convert them into power.
