Internet Blocks are helpful but can be risky

Long time PMO addict, struggling to recover, just want to write down my current thoughts, if only to force myself to review them.

I wish I could recover via willpower alone, but I haven't been able to. The only thing that has been helpful (although admittedly not enabled full recovery), is to use internet blocks - I relapse fast almost every time there is an opening.

I'm trying to maintain:

- Phone Brower and app store are blocked. Hotspot is also disabled.

- NetNanny software on all my computers - it can block web searches based on keywords, which stops searches for P substitutes. Wifi router blocking (Circle) also, but this is insufficient. VPN blocked. Other computers and smart TVs are password protected. Unused laptops/chrombooks are locked in a suitcase, keys hidden.

PROBLEMS:

- A common relapse is: I have a person keeps the password and they will unblock if I ask. For example, I typically unblock because I think I "need" to update an app, "need" to order something from Amazon, or "need" to watch a youtube video. But this is dangerous and frequently leads to relapse, so I shouldn't do it. Maybe I should even flush all passwords down the toilet. I might "brick" a phone or computer when I can't update it, but maybe that's not a valid excuse, although every time I get a new device is a very dangerous period. Maybe I could hide the password at a location >100 miles from my home?

- Netnanny sometimes temporarily stops working. In a moment of weakness I could then search a keyword and access a P sub. This really only happened once, so far, but if it happens again it could be a problem. Maybe I need better blocking software but I haven't found others that block searches based on keywords.

- Finally, I recognize blockers aren't a long term "cure". I hope some day I can break the addiction and I won't need them because they make life inconvenient. But for now, I see no other way.

 

Thanks for the info, this is good to know about. Having only a password that someone else holds may not be enough if in a moment of weakness you can just ask them for it. Having a combination of both timer (timed out period regardless of password) and password would be good - is that possible?

 

Thanks for the recommendation - I notice that the principle of Pluckeye is allowing no images at all (does it even block google image search from showing anything?), and delay before access to setting changes could be gained. Is there anyway it can block searches based only on certain keywords? Knowing myself I would be worried even about being able to have access after a delay - because I am at risk every time there is an opening. Showing no images at all would also be tough. My feeling is that I "need" to be able to see some images on the internet, e.g. for my work, although maybe I'm lying to myself and I don't really "need" to! If I keep failing I will have to consider any option, even if it causes inconvenience. I'm feeling now that beating this disease is more important than any inconvenience.

 

You raise a good point. That happens to me too. When the internet is blocked, I still allow myself to watch some TV, but there are triggers there. Sometimes I allow myself to watch youtube, and that has proven even more dangerous. Even if I smashed all the electronic devices with a sledgehammer there are fantasies in your mind, which can be triggered by seeing people in everyday life, that can't always be avoided. Although there are certain actions that should be avoided like going to the beach in summer. However most triggers usually lead me to later try to access images on the internet, and then PMO, so having internet blocks is still useful. But you are right, that in the end there must be a higher level solution where the cravings are reduced. I'm hoping I can use blocks to stop myself for long enough that the addiction can begin to be reversed.

 

Thank you for pointing this out. You are right that I have to ask myself what should I spend my time doing instead. I think PMO is a way I have been dealing with stress and as a "reward" after getting through difficult things. So I have to find alternatives. Yesterday was a difficult day and I had strong urges to PMO. I guess my mind was craving a dopamine surge. I fought the impulses by trying to enjoy doing something else. I ended up practicing singing a song which initially I could not sing correctly but with practice was able to improve and hit some of the notes, which made me feel good. This helped me dodge a bullet yesterday. Another strategy I recognize and sometimes have the willpower to use when there are strong urges is to immediately get out of the house and go for a long walk outside. This gets me away from the internet and the exercise also seems to help soften the urges a bit.

 

I understand exactly what you are saying, and if I'm honest with myself I would admit that this has been the case with me for several years too. I have been trying to use blockers, but still continually failing, usually after about 3-5 days. But I do still think the blockers help as when there are no blockers I fail every day. So I count that as an improvement. We need to try to not give up hope. There is a danger that relying on blockers and overly focusing on them could be distracting from other approaches that would work better like mainly revising my attitude somehow. I am trying to remind myself that the real goal is not to "stop breaking through the blockers" but to "stop PMO" and the blockers are just one tool for helping with the real goal.

 

I have now concluded that YouTube must stay blocked always. It is a shame because there is lots of good stuff on there. But I had been fooling myself by allowing myself access sometimes and I know for a fact it leads to relapse. I must be honest with myself and block it because healing is essential and watching youtube is not. I also wonder should I continue to watch Prime Video? It has been less of a problem but there are sometimes scenes in movies that have a triggering effect that later contribute to relapse. I will probably need to block all video and just find some other ways to occupy my time. If I'm honest, in retrospect TV is almost always a waste of time anyways.