An existential question!

I am not sure about this, but I can definitely state that the reason I watched porn was also the reason for other issues I had. And the reason comes down to not realizing that I needed to avoid certain imagery and indulgences for the sake of my spirit.

Maybe porn and masturbation made my self-esteem worse, but it was low self-esteem in the first place that would make me watch porn and masturbate.

 

I have always had difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner. Partly that's because of having been abused as a boy and then raped as a young man. I find it hard to trust. But I know it was also partly because of my excessive masturbation provoked by pornography abuse. And yes, that anorgasmia cost me relationships. I know because multiple women told me that my anorgasmia was the reason they were breaking up with me. In retrospect, I think those women weren't right for me. My wife knows my past pain and is caring and understanding of the time and build-up I need in bed. But just because I got lucky in the end doesn't mean I didn't miss out earlier.

 

Man, I'm sorry to hear that. Having the strength to be here and talk about your past, as well as to quit porn after being traumatized is an inspiration to me. You have my admiration and I wish you fulfillment in life.

And you're right, those women weren't right for you; in fact, I would go as far as to say they weren't good for any mature man. I get that unintended semen retention during sex would make a woman feel self-conscious (any man would feel the same), but breaking up for that reason is a sure sign that a woman is looking for her next ex, if you know what I mean.

I'm happy that you found someone whose "brain is in place". A mature partner isn't easy to get these days.

 

Thanks @DesertExplorer. It's difficult to talk about those experiences—it feels shameful to admit to—but I want to be able to be honest here.

 

110% absolutely to both on multiple occasions.

I have had two beautiful girlfriends who didn’t pan out and for a huge portion of my life would be too nervous to ask a girl out. PMO led to erectile dysfunction which ended another long term relationship (but…for the better). It’s also now leading to marital issues.

Opportunities. Well it’s definitely contributed to my extreme stage fright over the years so that takes things off the table.

I have cousins that are fighter pilots and doctors and several family members have written published books. My own father has a very high paying job (200k a year maybe)? And I ended up in a blue collar job that after fifteen years pays 55k. Don’t get me wrong it’s great money for me….but I am left wondering what my potential actually was.

I also as an adult began playing instruments. That actually happened the first time I quit porn. I have been through three and am now working with a classical piano instructor. Every one of my instructors has made suggestive comments that I could have been a professional musician had I started early. Porn might have not prevented that but it’s made progress grind to a halt. Instead of practicing well…you know. I am now a couple of years behind where I want to be.

I’m sure I could keep writing on and on but I’ll stop. It’s nice writing it all out though, and is a good reminder. Thanks for the opportunity.

 

I fucked myself big time (no pun intended because this isn't meant to be funny) by seeking out p/m/o as much as I have over the years. I made a habit of edging regularly and I consider it to be the main precursor to my very subpar state of health. Without a single doubt, I have lost out on not only opportunities but a much better life and good health because of porn and masturbation. And I have no one to blame but myself. I could've been stronger, I could've dealt with stress better. I was weak and I still am. And I continue to suffer as a result.

 

Sure, but that's not so much an existential question as it is lost time and opportunities. Self esteem can be changed, and not just being 'higher' but we can really know and be true to ourselves and have relationships based on that.

 

I have missed out on many opportunities, that I can't even begin to quantify. I know this because when I PMO, especially excessively, I rarely do anything else productive that day. And if I do something "productive", I do it either last minute or half-assed.

Sometimes I think of people and our lives as those line graphs. We all have a great deal of potential at the beginning of our lives. What we do each day changes the trajectory of our overall potential. We could have all been astronauts, but our beliefs and actions did not lead to this career path. (*I realize that there are circumstances completely out of our control that reduce our overall potential, but the overall concept is the same.)

In my teens, I wasted a lot of time doing drugs, but I also worked a lot and was social. In my early 20s I had a period of immense growth where I turned my life around with the help of a life coach. I quit drugs, started working out daily, and managed to return to college and graduate. I worked harder than any of my other peers because I knew I needed to succeed. My trajectory was getting better and better each day. (It wasn't pure success, I still struggled with PMO during this time).

The pandemic, and getting a remote job, has significantly impacted my trajectory. I've experienced extreme social isolation, boredom, depression, and apathy over the last couple of years. I no longer socialize with people like I used to. Although I got a prestigious job in my field which confirmed all my hard work over the last several years, I feel as if I've flatlined and probably permanently lowered the outcome of my ultimate potential. I've wasted so much time and so many days in the last couple of years. I could have been way more productive, but I've just existed each day, wasting time. I gave up on a lot of my ambitions too.


*this image is just for visualization of the life outcome potentials, I'm not making any statement on climate change lol