Day 34! Had a bit of an emotional day but took the time to take a cold shower and workout. I've been finding those behaviors extremely helpful to keep myself grounded.
Day 17 was yesterday and day 18 today. My appointment with my CSAT left me feeling stranded as he wants me to do a lot and even my wife thinks so. But i’m not giving up.
Day 36. I'm really happy with my life at the moment and feel so much better than before. It hasn't always been easy, but I feel determined not to give up now that I've come so far. I currently have not the slightest desire to relapse.
Day 19 was my 28th birthday and I looked up something I shouldn’t have and then denied it when my wife found out smh I’m such an idiot
It isn’t your addiction that will ultimately destroy your relationship. It’s the deceit and dishonesty. What happens to us ( your wife) is we trust you. We believe you. We know something is wrong, but we then lie to ourselves that it is us. That we are the problem. We are the reason for this gut feeling that tells us something is wrong. So we try to fix it. But nothing works. Then we find out your secret, we get hit with betrayal trauma which affects our brains and causes changes in them. So, now we have to do the work to heal what’s happened in our brain. Every time you lie, you cause more damage. Every time. Hopefully your csat can talk to you a little about this. Helping Her Heal is a great dvd to watch with her. Buy it. I see you are not religious but one of the very best books out is Treating Pornography Addiction by Doctor Kevin Skinner. He is Mormon. If you can skip the religious part he really understands this addiction and betrayal trauma. Bloom for women would be good for your wife( but again it was started by Skinner so they do occasionally talk about God, spiritualism). I, personally, don’t buy into the “ you need a higher power” to quit the addiction. I think you just need to learn how your brain works, how to change it, and how much work and effort will be required on your part. I could be wrong, as all 12 steps teach a higher power, and my husband swears he couldn’t do it without God. Gottman has some really good books on relationships and he’s not religious. Your Brain on Porn is also good and I believe it’s secular( but it’s been 4 years since I read it). My husband has been working recovery for 4 years, he’s been clean and in recovery for 2 years. It’s almost impossible, but you decide what you want more. If it’s your addiction you will find ways to keep it, if it’s being in recovery and healing your marriage, you will do the work to heal it. Part of that work involves addressing the shame you feel. It requires a huge amount of change on your part. 12 step meetings really helped my husband, as well as seeing a csat. Giving up internet access, getting accountability partners, changing your diet, no more alcohol ( this was hard for social reasons), lol. Learning new hobbies, addressing IA if you have it, adhd, depression all of those have to be addressed. My husband had all three. Fortunately he had begun addressing the depression 3-4 years before he started recovery. All those mental issues are intertwined with addiction. It’s awesome you are seeing a csat, they can help you with your addiction cycle and teach you methods and tools to help get into recovery.,”
