Sex is dull these days....

Do you love her? My take is that "No porn" is only one side of the coin when it comes to healing.
The other side is genuine love, commitment, and knowing the other person.

Just my 2 cents.

 

Did you masturbate during that time too? Some people may stop watching porn but will still think of porn scenes or similar fantasies while they MO. Neurons that (still) fire together will continue to wire together. That's Hebb's Rule, and so we gotta approach this without masturbation for these connections to fully wither away.

 

If it requires another person, and it does, then I can never recover. And I know the number of ‘clean’ days means nothing.

 

Yes you can. Please don't misunderstand me. I do not mean it is just "romantic" love that heals us, or the love between a husband/wife. We are all in a place where we can learn to love another human being. I am saying this as a single person, with the same longings as any other single man in his 30s. But we must recognize we are put in places where we can learn to love, whether it be friends, parents, strangers, etc.
I wonder if P addiction has us in its grip so often precisely because we need to learn this. To be outward focused. To intend the well being of another.

P is by nature self-centred, self seeking. If so, recovery must be the opposite of this. The opposite is self-giving, selflessness, sacrifice. Of course we cannot go "all out" at the beginning, but we can do this bit by bit in the situations we find ourselves in. Learn to let go, and intend the well being of others. And then act on this.

Maybe it is then that we will be ready to unite with another person.

@echofriendly, do not give up. You are worth it.

 

I am single, so take this with a grain of salt. But, are there things you two can do together that might strengthen the love and connection? Things outside of sex? My thinking is, if you spend time knowing each other more deeply OUTSIDE of sex, then sex becomes a culmination of the bond you already have strengthened, thus bringing fulfillment. Sex then becomes not a thing in itself, but a true 'climax' of the entire relationship.

Or perhaps she has some unresolved feelings on her end? I have heard that betrayal trauma is a very real thing when one partner has struggled with P.

Again, single here. so forget this if it's useless lol

 

Well, my take on this.
11 years with my now wife.
Porn, drugs, alcohol is now all gone.
Porn is 90 days gone. And to my point.
When i quit drugs, mostly smoked weed, watching movies sucked alot for exemple. When i stopped drinking, going out for dinner / party sucked.
When i quit porn sex sucked, i cum in like 2 minutes before i could go for hours etc.

My point here is that i now can watch a movie and enjoy it without weed, i can now go out and eat dinner and enjoy it without getting drunk. And now i can feel close to my wife and feel the conection and love when we have Sex. Is the sex as fun as when i watched porn ? No but it is better in that way that we both feel conceted and she feels like im there emotionaly and not just "using" her.

Sex is something for both me and my wife to enjoy and she have told me that even If we had sex longer before, that the sex is so much better now that im emotionaly there, even If it sometimes goes a little bit to fast for me to nut.

 

Do you want to try 90 days without any sort of sexual stimulation? If multiple doctors have told you you're fine physiologically and you've been in recovery for a year you got to look elsewhere.

One large reason I know of is anxiety, but based on what you've told me I'm thinking it could be because you already have sex available to you whenever. You seem to have access to the activity freely and it's definitely a tendency of ours to devalue such an activity.

 

Excellent advise!

 

If you’re looking for sex to replace the high you get from porn that will never happen. Real sex can be dull compared to a super stimulus like porn, especially if you’ve been with the same partner for years. Your brain seeks new, novelty, unfamiliar. If it wasn’t, you’d be wanting sex instead of porn ( if that makes sense?). However, sex with a partner you love can be far more fulfilling and satisfying than porn can ever be. Porn ruins real sex. I may not be an addict, but I know the hyper sexual excitement and rush that porn gives. I do not feel that same rush when my husband and I have sex. Do you avoid sex? People with IA find sex uncomfortable emotionally so it’s not very enjoyable for them. Do you know if you’re IA? 30% of sex addicts are.