Totally Damaged

I do not know from where it all started. I was very shy when I was a kid. Have been bullied too. Due to this I always wanted to be acknowledged and that thought became a part of my life. I think it started with me admiring women when I was around 15 years old.

Slightest bit of skin show of sexy women would excite me. The place I used to stay had many beautiful women. I used to imagine about how I can try my luck with them! I started touching my tool and the feel of it used to feel good and I ejaculated for the first time. Since then I used to get frequent erections. It used to take my focus away from studies, so I had to refrain myself. I must say I used to refrain from it and I was successful, as I did not know the technique to masturbate.
Thereafter I experimented after reading from the internet and felt good on trying new techniques. This made me fap twice, thrice and on occasions even 4 times in a day in succession. I used to measure it as an achievement!
But that habit grew even more when I got access to porn. It was always on my mind. And I guess from there I got addicted. I have written sexual stories of my fantasies.
I have tried hitting on women and was naïve on the right ways of approaching girls, so I was always a failure. My focus on studies reduced. I read dating guides but nothing seemed to work out. I lost my self confidence and so I thought porn and fapping is my only relief. I came to a new city for work and I started working out - I got a temporary a relief. But by now I had started to fap almost every day. This was about 10 years back. Whenever I was near a hot girl, I used to have anxiety problems.

From the country I am from, and the upbringing I have got, I thought it is best to be in a relationship with a woman whom I find beautiful ( and many other things apart from looks) and will marry her at some point. I never wanted to have sex and leave a girl with a selfish motive. So even if a girl was interested in me, I would not entertain the though of sleeping with her just to fulfil my desires. Although I wanted to have a no strings attached fling which never happened. I have been fapping so much that I could no longer get an erection if I see a hot girl. I have to think of a fantasy or watch porn to get an erection.

I never thought fapping is bad, so the only way to stop it was to remove the thought or woman from my mind. But that did not workout on a long term. Other way was to hate the thought or the girl I fantasize. But that is wrong in many ways, so I did not succeed again. Many a times I have been depressed. But 2 years back after I got covid I thought to make the most of the only life I have. I am single to this date. Only twice I have been in a relationship and never had sex. A few year back I slept with an escort to atleast get some experience. But I did not like it. I have tried deleted my account on social platforms, porn sites, deleting porn from my laptop, etc. but I always relapse and get back at it. For the past 7 years or so I can say that I have fapped almost every day, except when I am out of my home. I thought if I am already addicted, why not make some money out of it? So I did some web camming as well. But by doing so and using a cock ring only damaged my penis I guess. Loneliness has been my companion, so I resort to fapping to release the frustration from work and get temporary happiness. I have few friends. I am 32 years old now. My penile skin is loose and less sensitive. I can say I have ED now. And so I am totally damaged in a sexual way. I have no hopes left that I will get to sleep with a woman I love. I am on my way of turning bald.

This year I promised myself to build my self confidence. Next year I want to stop fapping as anyways I can hardly keep erect. Any youngster reading this should realise that there is a limit to porn and fapping. Don't be like me.