Strong urges for fetish

This is too triggering for people. I am so sorry. I deleted the post.

 

I'm not sure the addiction ever entirely leaves us. But knowing the addiction is there is half the battle. How we respond to situations that may inflame the addiction is the other. For me, for instance, I'll re-tie my shoe or go get a cracker or anything other than indulge the addiction. That probably sounds like over simplification, but the strategy I am trying to employ is to develop new patterns and to train my brain with new responses.

 

Hope this helps

I am attempting advice here, Chamilliion as you ask for it. As a south Asian gay Christian man, to a great degree, I see where you are coming from. The conflicts of morality and sexuality and society are tough indeed and sometimes things are not as easy or clear as we want them to be .

I want to make a few observations. From your post, it is clear that you want to "confirm" to yourself that you are "normal and straight". When we are in such a mode, we have what is called a confirmation bias, we tend to pick up information that agrees with what we want to believe. In your attempt to appear normal you seem to discard the fact that trans-sexual sex(panties) seem to give you maximum sexual pleasure and thus from a clinical perspective you are a transsexual/transgendered man rather than a nomal straight guy. You seem to associate straightness with normalness. I want to assure you that there is nothing wrong with being a gay man or a trans-sexual man. You are still a human being, a moral person , equal man to any straight man and in some ways more man than a straight men.

Someone here shared about their struggles with panties in an exhibitionist context. I know while you are wondering, why do I have this issue and why can't I be a regular boy i.e. normal and straight, you can atleast be grateful that panties and transsexuality is not an exhibitionistic fetish for you. Sexuality is complex. even straight and normal men have their struggles, with pornography, prostitution, affairs etc. I can relate to the whole struggle with sexual addiction and sexual identity. in your case it it buying of panties which affirms your sexual identity but might lead to sexual addiction(fapping). For me as a gay guy I constantly have this struggle between affirming my gayness in private and social spaces but at the same time especially in private protecting me from my own sexual addiction, and of late I have been wondering about sexual addiction in a social context in terms of sex crimes etc.

To give you an example, I have this girl following no stalking me in a gym. I get pretty upset about it as this is a new gym I had to change after facing a lot of anti Indian/anti south Asian spirit in a previous gym. Now this girl follows me around to the point of making me uncomfortable in going to a gym! and I feel horrible about it as it is a fairly expensive one and most importantly I love to workout. Thus I feel conflicted about how "Out" I should be. I have now decided, that if she asks me I will say I am not single and nothing more, which is technically true. She doesn't have a righ to know my sex life or my marital status and it is creepy when you think about it. Howe ver, I find this happening to me all the time and makes me wonder about society's sexual assumption that every man is a straight and every south Asian man is wanting to have sex or date a white wife.

We all have to make choices. I am both gay and Christian and south Asian so often I wonder about how much sex is okay or moral especially as a gay Christian and also as a south Asian given the amounts of racism and xenophobia in the gay community is it okay to have sex with anybody and everybody especially gay men who seem to have such a racial consciousness.

I don't have answers to your dilemma, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in your sexual dilemma and questions. Hope this gives you some perspective even thought it is long and only take what advice you feel is best and feel free to discard the rest.

 

One thing I found that really helps is spending less time on the internet. The online world is filled with free porn that's just a click away. Something you can do is get a pencil and some paper and write a list of things you enjoy doing besides surfing the web or doing other things that can trigger urges. Be creative. Then, in your free time (when not working or going to school or whatever occupies your life, besides porn), refer back to that list when you are bored and pick an activity. Usually boredom is the trigger time. If you must go online, do it in moderation. Also, set healthy sleep patterns as proper sleep is key to recovery. A new month is starting, so give it a try and see how it helps. Spring is coming and people will be spending more time outdoors. You don't want to be trapped inside staring at a screen while there's something exciting happening outside, do you?