Today has been very hard for me regarding my husbands addiction. Today he leaves for 2 days on business. And I can't help but have some ideas of what he could be doing. Or planing to do. As of his erectile dysfunction over the last month. It's been very hard to be close with him and feel good about us. He says he has not watched porn or masterbated this whole time but I think he is anyway. We are loving to each other but distant in our words. I have so much fear in all this. Can anyone help. I feel hopeless.
I went to my dr. As we both see the same one. He told me medication prob won't work for him. He asked me if I was considering a divorce if things don't change. I told him I want to stay married bc I love Chris. But I'm getting worn down. He said this is a very hard addiction to quit. And most don't. I feel like Chris dosnt try as much as he should.
It is very important that your husband realizes two things. 1. He is addicted to a habit he can't control. Left unchecked it will create problems that will eventually lead to him shutting out those who love him (and that includes you). Not everyone who has a porn addiction acts out in ways that cause social problems.... but some do. If he's found looking at porn at work, he'll be in trouble. If he uses call girls he could be arrested. 2. He needs to deal with the addiction. He won't see this until he sees point no. 1. It is very possible his ED is caused by porn. Many people on this board speak of PIED... porn induced erectile dysfunction. That is, the men can not become hard without porn. So your doctor may be right... This may not be a medical condition as much as it is a mental issue. Have you spoke frankly with your husband? Honest and Open? Can you tell him straight to his face, look him in the eye, "You're hurting me!" Are you willing to set your boundaries to protect yourself? That is to say, you will not put up with his addiction? In which case, you need to need to face reality – you may need to either decide to live in your current situation or divorce him. Unfortunately, those are the only choices at the moment. I am a firm believer in marriage. But that requires that both parties live up to the vows they gave. There is such a thing as emotional abuse too. Which is unacceptable. If he is unwilling to see his issue and will not deal with it... IMHO - move out. That may sound drastic, but you need to protect yourself from a "toxic" relationship. I can tell from your post you do love your husband. But he can not be more important to you than your own well-being. That is co-dependency and you can't go there. You come first. Please take care of yourself and best wishes. HF
Thank u for your reply. I'm so glad to hear another persons point of view. We have seen a therapist for 2 years and even tho educational I don't think it helped much. Chris has made some great improvements in the last year. He came out to his best friend and father. Which was huge. (His idea)bc he said he dose not want to go to a support group. also got on medication which we are switching bc it didn't work.( My idea that he agreed to).he recently threw away some appeal he liked linked to the addiction (his idea) and said he was doing a NoFap challenge for a month after seeing this site. (His idea) but he refuses to get on this site. And says the no faping is why he can't get an errection. He says bc when he was watching p he had more erections. But he has gone threw phases where he gets ED. I congratulated him for the better things but I still feel he's not challenging himself like he should be. The big thing is he has wanted a child since we have been married and I refused to even think about it bc of the addiction. We made a promise to each other that if he can go a whole year without a relapse we will do it. But I don't think he feels he can even tho it was his idea. He seems to relapse every 3 months instead of 6 like before. So I'm driving him and myself crazy always looking over his shoulder and questing his moves which he says is part of the ED. But bc we have so much riding on this. And Ive finally let myself be excited about the idea. I have told him how much this means to me and we have had meny talks about the fact. I'm not saying that having a child will make it go away or that things will get better. But if this means so much to the both of us I was thinking shouldn't he put more effort into it On a regular basis. I told him to get on here and he won't I told him to educate himself on this addiction and he says he knows everything. ( therapy) but to me I feel if this was my addiction I would be finding out everything there is to know to help myself. I have wrote down on posters quotes from this site and advice people have said and put them on the bathroom mirror. But I think he thinks it's stupid. I'm really trying to educate him and give some positive to this light. But I know me forcing him will do nothing. Today he has left for 2 days on a business trip which is always a huge trigger for him. And even tho on his last trip he tryed to take games and things to occupie his time away he still watched porn. This time with him having the ED I'm worried it might be worse. Bc he is free from my constant checking and I think he might explore. My other question is I have read many times that with this addiction like so meny others the person is powerless of the addiction. That being said how do u stop yourself? What are the steps to take?if u are powerless. Sometimes I think he goes into a different state of mind when he lets the addiction take over. Bc I give him a lot of crap when I find out that I know he dose not want and he knows how much it hurts me and how damaging it is to our marriage. I think why Dosnt he just catch himself and stop? What dose someone do when they find themselves in that situation?
I wouldn't discount the therapist. While it's hard to pinpoint what made him tell his father, switch his meds, throw away porn and do a challenge, but these really are big things - big. Don't forget some husbands will not even discuss the issue. It looks like he's made great strides. I would disagree with his assessment of his ED. Have him google the words and read the information with an open mind. He has trained himself to become aroused over pornography... Quite honestly, that is the addiction. Without it, he can not become aroused. More than likely if he quit fapping for 90 days and abstained from porn and porn substitutes, it's almost a guarantee he would see vast improvements. Sex begins between the ears... and so do erections. I can understand his refusal to go to a support group or view the site. That's his call. Meanwhile he does need to educate himself further and deal with his issue, you can only ask him to do it. At this point from what I see, In my honest opinion, you are nagging him. I believe you need to cut him loose and stop trying to help push him. It's obvious it's not working, and probably making things worse. Set goals and hold him accountable. Want to talk further about children see me in two weeks when you've gone through that time with no porn and no masturbation... period, no excuses. As you said "forcing him will do nothing." I disagree a person is powerless in this addiction. To come clean requires commitment and effort. From what I am reading and understanding I have to agree with you, he is still trying to justify he's right in his mind. That being said, I believe you should leave him to himself to swim or sink. He will eventually come to a turning point. When you ask him how he's doing it's a simple question "are you staying clean." Look him in the eyes and see his soul. Let it go at that. No dialogue unless he wants it. You might suggest that he use his dad as an accountability partner. I'm sure his dad would be glad to help. The choice of children is a wedge between you two as you know. I do agree he should clean up first before you invite children into your family. In the end, you can only change you... not him. All the gentle prodding, notes on the mirror and other suggestions are not working, so try something completely different. Encourage him and tell him you want children too in the future when you are past this. I wish you best.. Keep up the counseling. Educate yourself and give him room to find his own path - you can't deny the improvements he has made. I believe given space he will come around to the realization, you care about him, but he has to do it. HF
Thank you so much for that in very honest detail. I appreashate that kind of honesty at the highest level. I will take your advice and use it to which I am capable. I agree with what you said and I like that u gave me direction in detail. This will help aid me in a good direction. Thank you so much for your time. Best wishes to you in your recovery.
I don't have any advice as I am new to this myself, but I wanted to send you some good thoughts. Ou sound like you are in a tough spot. I hope that you both are able to work through this. Good luck.
I would question the notion of "powerlessness". An addict is not powerless. He always has a choice to start the recovery and change. He always has a choice to stop "consuming" and stay sober. Yes, his habits make this difficult at first but, if he is relentless, he can succeed. It is not enough to say "I will try". One has to commit fully to the objective and believe that this time is the definitive one. There are several people in +40 forum that have left the addiction behind. You may want to check their journals: CPF, The Eleven, DonB and Old Growth illustrate that the path is possible even if some of them have been stumbling recently. But there is no doubt reading their journals where they want to go. They are not powerless. Best of luck
When my wife had a kid I went more to porn because she didnt feel like it. That was along time ago and now feel like I have better control because I have seen the benefits. Good luck but one thing. He has to see the benefits himself then he will want to keep going.
