Accountability for All

Thank you your message already helped me more than you think I smile and hope you have a great day tomorrow, make it the best you can

 

P: 33 days
M: 59 days
O: 59 days

* 4 PMO but no relapse
* 1 MO but no relapse

 

You got this bro. Things will be better, just keep in mind who you want to become, every other thought is just noise/distraction. Our past experience isnt indicator of our success. You are your beliefs. Believe ! I believe in you! Lets goo!

 

Forget about that .... That was the last one ... Be a strong guy. Just stand up boy, we all are here with you,Just stand ⤴

 

According to the nofap counter I'm at 13 days completed!

If I make it through today then I'll hit a new Personal Record!

 

Day 7 no pm

 

Keep going brother. Stay strong!

 

Don't worry mate, we've all been through various low points in our life, and it does suck. But that moment of realisation is a step towards redemption. Keep at it, and you will look back at your life now and it will feel like a past life.

 

Just got through day 33! Stay strong my brothers!

 

Some inspiring lyrics l, for me at least.
Legends never die - League of Legends

Legends never die

They're written down in eternity
But you'll never see the price it costs
The scars collected all their lives

When everything's lost, they pick up their hearts and avenge defeat
Before it all starts, they suffer through harm just to touch a dream
Oh pick yourself up, 'cause

Legends never die

Phoenix - League of Legends
What are you willing to lose?
You cover your wounds, but underneath them
A million voices in your head that whisper, "Stop, now"
Another twist of the knife, turn of the screws
It's all in your mind and it's fighting you
Arm yourself, a storm is coming
Well, kid

What you gonna do now?
It's your reflection looking back to pull you down

So are you gonna die today or make it out alive?
You gotta conquer the monster in your head and then you'll fly
Fly, Phoenix, fly
It's time for a new empire
Go bury your demons then tear down the ceiling
Phoenix, fly

 

I see you post a lot, to me it feels a bit that you are too overly focused on nofap.
That could actually have adverse effects since by thinking not to think about p, you actually are.

Just my 2 cents

 

Completed day 1. Now onto day 2. Just taking it one day at a time.

 

day 2. Things are getting better

 

Check in. I had some serious miscommunication with teachers for my backlogs for the timings of the presentations so I missed my exams. I think I will get a year back for my shitty dumb mistakes. Not sure. I pissed my teacher a lot because I lost my temper and spoke rudely to him. This has happened to me a lot of times and I mostly blamed PMO and reasonably so. Because despite my efforts with meditation and yoga/stretching exercises. It has been useless if I relapse. I was totally depressed last day. I am trying to pull myself. I guess

 

zero again....I did make it through the night including some writing...
But I did not set any intention about when I woke up,
So I did not read my yellow book, I did not run, and I did not meditate....
and then no stability and the PMO result....
now I have to salvage the day

 

Day 0
Once more into the breach

 

It's okay to fail as long as we all learn from each failure. Like you said you did not have a plan for when you wake up, so do not make the same mistake twice. Create a simple morning routine you can follow every day and make it a habit. Don't make it too complex though because then you will not want to do it every day. Reset and try again. You can do this

 

123 days

 

Day 73 in the books!! Finished reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!!!

 

I am starting today on NoFap for the first time. I am going no PMO. It is not the first time. I have been trying for 15 years (not on NoFap) but for sure it was not good enough (maximum I reached 6 months, no PMO). I want to put my heart out here. Perhaps things become more clear.

Nights, nights. I am afraid of nights when they come. You become afraid of yourself. The trickery of the situation. The game that is being played on you. "Oh do not worry, it will not happen this time. We just want to watch a movie". "Maybe I should sleep". "No no, if I tried to sleep and I do not sleep, I may get frustrated and do it anyway". "But I should not stay awake either". "See. Maybe we watch sth and then sleep on it." Day by day. Week by week. Year by year. You become afraid of nights, as you do not know what will happen. You just wish the sun was always out. You wish there was no nights. You wish there were no internet. You wish that maybe I lose my memory of what happened. What is my story? I am a stranger from myself, from others. I was sexually abused as a child. Then I became an abuser when I was 14-15 (but could not do it for young children) then I stopped. A fear of judgement of others sneaked to my heart. I can not justify being an abuser. I do not know that part of me. It is the shadow but I know it is still me. It terrifies me of what it thinks, does and plans. It is so smart. Evil. Awake. Turning you to sleeping beauty. There is a lot of pain in my heart and I have no eloquence to articulate it. That is also painful on its own. The void is widening and it is asking to be filled. My emotions guide me but they are no guide. My thoughts drive me but they are not trustable as they are mostly loyal to the emotions. It is a tree that I watered for 15 years. It is a tree that eats your flowers. All of them. It does not leave you any. Darkness has levels and if you do not want to see it, do not water that tree. No matter what. It will get hungry. It will scream. It will threaten you and promise you relief. Fake relief. Fake. There is no relief there. There is only pain. How could you forget that? how could you? You know it. You saw it 1000s times and read it and saw it and read and saw and read and saw ... Do you like it? It has a part of your heart. How could we love sth that hates us? That eats our flowers and leaves our garden bare, actually with thorns. You hurt not only yourself. You hurt others. You do it willingly or unwillingly, maybe you resist at the beginning, maybe you hate, but you opened a door and it entered. It is not an easy guest to kick out. It takes months to kick it out and when you do, how could you invite it again? The thrill, the adventure, the pull between the magnet poles. It asks you as a lover. It pleads politely, it shows you as if it has a heart, as it got sad you left it. It has no heart and that is why it wants yours. It will eat you alive. Somehow still you are amazing. You still can regenerate. You stay and you grow stronger. You change. Leave it be. Leave it. How did I come back after long time? It is a mix of things. It is the wrong idea that "maybe if I did, it will leave me alone". It will never leave you alone this way. "Maybe if I did this time, so that I can focus on the other things that I have". You will not do them if you followed it. It is the loss of discipline. It is the thought that the past is in the past. Maybe but if you act as if you had a normal history, as if you do not have weaknesses to guard, you are preparing yourself as a prey. Do not be a prey. Be the predator. That is why you are being chosen in your dreams. You leave yourself be the prey. Stop being a prey. Guard yourself. It is your responsibility. It is yours to take care of. You are lazy? You are helpless? You do not want to go to that long journey again as if you are Sisyphus? Destroy the rock. Turning the rock over and over again, the rock will be smaller. The rock can not stay the same but you .. you will get stronger. All your experience are latent, waiting for you to release them. It knows that. It is afraid of you as well. It knows that you can win but it does not want you to know. It wants to stay in control and use your body and senses for itself. You gain nothing. Eating a cake that turns ash. That is what is giving you. Speak it out. Speak your truth. You are not your emotions. You are not your thoughts. You are much deeper, depth that is frightening by itself but discovering is your journey. You need peace to walk it. And peace is not going to come except if you go to war.