I can write a book with what I've been through and how much I've learn't. I'd rather slowly reveal everything rather than write one long essay. I relapsed after 2 years and one month on the 24th August 2015, I continued for 2 days starting my NoFap Challenge on the 28th August 2015. This is day 4.
Thanks Amanda, support like that is always amazing, especially in times like this, losing it all. I appreciate it. CrossGlow, it was quite foolish actually, I have good self control, stayed away from porn sites and movies with sexual content, however, I had a very high testosterone level. Long story short, it was so strong, I was getting turned on by just staring into peoples eyes. I ending up questioning my sexuality after I watched a TV show, then went on YouTube to see if women still turned me on, from there onto the Porn websites and I just thought what's the point and ended up ejaculating. I was unfortunately hooked in. I knew I wasn't gay and women turned me on but the testosterone was so high whoever I looked at I would get turned on. I didn't know how to get rid of it, like working out or going for a run. This happened to me once before in February but I just stopped at the last minute. Quite sad really. I didn't/don't have a girlfriend either so that was another downfall.
DAY 5 Today was alright, stayed home and had all the laptops and mobile phones at my fingertips but I had enough willpower to not do it. Then I started watching TV and got a bit tense. I had a cold shower which helped a lot. I go on this site and I see Relapse after 96 days, Relapse after 10 day, Relapse after 15 days. I have to always be on my guard, I have to make sure I don't get into any situations that can escalate quickly. I have so many dreams, after 30 days I want to listen to all the motivation songs I listen to now and then they'll mean something to me. I want to live a life where I'm not held down, where I can express myself, where I can be free and I can be fully content with a life with my wife when I get one. I want to be happy, live a life where people say WOW, look at him.
DAY 6 I was on this site all day today, I was home alone today but stayed away from watching any porn. I was watching some general TV and my heart rate was slightly increasing because of all the beautiful women flaunting themselves but it didn't escalate much from there. I spent most of my time on this site, which is a big help and something I haven't had before. Seeing peoples relapse stories and what all these people have been through, I realise I don't want to just do it for me, I want to do it for everyone on this site. It's so sad to see people relapsing, they might not write much but I know exactly how they're feeling because I feel the same. I hate this, I hate the fact I have completed only 6 days when I had 2 years under my belt. What's worse is that at any moment, those 6 days could go down the drain, then where will I be. This is such bullshit, why is it that all of us have to go through this, why is our life miserable? We only get one life, why do we feel like we're wasting it? It's not our fault. I'm so sad because I know that a whole community of people go through what I've been going through over the past few days. It's been a long time since I went through this and the emotional strain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I can't communicate with family and friends the way I used to be able to, I don't feel like leaving the house, I just feel like staying indoors for the time being until all of this blows over. Life wasn't perfect before I relapsed, I had quite severe problems with testosterone build up which I didn't have a girlfriend to release the testosterone with. It did get really bad but I just discovered the cold shower yesterday which has tremendously helped me, I feel much better now that I know that little party trick. If only I discovered it before I relapsed. I was also watching some videos why we should give up porn, it really hit home the fact that it's not good. It's not the way real people express love. I want to live in the real world and I don't want to harm anyone. I want to be a man who is respected by everyone, I want to be someone amazing. I know that in my heart, if I keep on this path and give up masturbation and pornography, I could potentially change the world. It's just a matter of how long it will take to get back to the position I was in or into a better position. The videos also talked about the person on the other side of the screen, the pornstars and how they've got into the business. Even though my knowledge is limited, what I do know makes me not want to watch it anymore, even though in the spur of the moment I might, overall I want to stay away from it. One of my family members said I should go out, I shouldn't be spending so much time indoors. If only they knew, they don't so FUCK THEM! Stay Strong Brotherhood!!!!!
Day 7 I feel better, more talkative, slightly more motivated and most of all, I'm thinking less about the guilt and I'm less sad. The cold showers help. As soon as I try to get out of this game, It tries to pull me back. I don't know what's going to happen but I know the urges are getting stronger and I don't know what to do. I'm going to spend some time outside and less time next to my computer and phone. It's hard, I know it only takes 5 seconds to get me hooked in. I'd rather be in this position than on Day 1. I feel happier but not much more happier, there is still progress to be made and I need to start going out more, even just for walks. I don't know what's going to happen now, I hope that there will be a Day 8, 1 week is a long time and reading my own comments reinforces the fact I can't keep doing this.
Day 12 I was supposed to post everyday but I had things to do and the further you go in terms of day not PMOing, the less you think about it and just get on with your life. It feels good to be 12 days in, I'm happy that I've gone this far and I feel myself being less sad and depressed all the time. I'm actually becoming happier, the characteristics of myself before I relapsed. I just feel sad at the fact I quit M for 2 years. I'm supposed to be starting higher education in 1 month and I just wanted to go there with a confidence, I wanted to basically fuck loads of women. I waited for 2 years, all I had to do was wait another month. I had problems communicating with my family before the relapse, my testosterone level was very high and I was turned on by anything. This isn't a time when you want to be surrounded my family, this is a time when you want to be surrounded by beautiful women. I was also moving to the educations accommodation, that was the perfect time for me to unleash my confident self to these women and have sex with them. Before I relapsed, I was actually trying to publicly go out on the street and attract women, I was making some progress even if it was minimal. I am quite a shy guy but when you have a high testosterone level and sexual frustration, you want to go out and stop watching TV and just be around beautiful women. I wanted to tackle my problem of social anxiety, I feel like if I stayed on that path, I would of been more comfortable with myself now even if it was only a little bit. I would of had 15 days of working to overcome my shyness problem, I just feel like I have wasted my opportunity. I want to get to know people but my social anxiety is stronger than ever, before I had the extra confidence and the energy, I have minimal of that now. It's all released out of my body and I don't know how long it'll take to get back. I feel like 30 days I'll be jollier and happier but you have to go longer if you want to improve yourself. I don't want to get back to where I was when I start university, I don't want to move in and it be like school where I didn't talk to no one, I had no friends, no girls in my life. I had nothing back then and now, I want to make friends and get a girlfriend but the thing is, I don't know myself. I don't do me, I'm not myself, I act the way other people want me to act. I try to act in a way that there reaction will be good. I don't think I know how to act for myself. I don't know how to explain it, I just act the way people want me to act and not the way I want to. How can I make friends when I can't even be myself, how can I get a girlfriend. I don't even know what I like and I don't. The sad thing is, I don't share any of this with my family, this is the first time I've even confronted myself about it. I don't know how to be me. I just think everything is better when you act the way people want you to, I want to overcome social anxiety and although I am in a bad position, I used to think and still think that at this time with minimal energy, I am truly me. No extra energy, no jolliness, just me. I used to ask questions to people in conversation because I don't want awkward silences because I think they'll think there's something wrong with me. I think there's something wrong with me because I watched porn and masturbated, so there judgement will instantly affect me. If they think that's not cool or that doesn't make sense, I would think my decision is wrong. I wanted them to laugh and have a good time around me because I used to be funny and I want other people to have a good time because I don't. I'm miserable, even when I was 2 years into no PMO, I still felt like that and the only thing that made me feel more in touch with myself (for the first time), was the street approaching trying to overcome my social anxiety. I've got so many problems, I don't like anything, I just know that once I overcome my social anxiety, I will become myself, someone who I haven't discovered yet. Life long problems!
Day 13 Another day, the thing that really stops me from watching P is saying to myself that I want to be like James Bond, he doesn't M and he's one motherfucking badass. I thought more today, I didnt use the internet and tv as much and i just thought, like i used to. As part of overcoming my social anxiety, i went for an hour or so walk in the public, this was easier before relapse but its all psychological. The walk was good, hopefully progress in the next few days, going to do a few more walks. I feel much more active, I dont eat as much junk food and food us starting to actually taste like something. I think i'm becoming more of myself, making decisions based on what I want instead of factoring in other people. I read a title that will stick with me for a very long time: dont count the days, make the days count. As i'm writing this, i actually typed x and my word history came up with a P site and I typed in se and it came up with s** scenes from when i watched on youtube. I feel a little sexually excited right now for those reasons but i want to be james bond so i wont give in. Im trying to stop myself relapsing as i read this. I want to overcome social anxiety and give up P, M AND O'ing.
Day 14 I just feel sad, this is turning into something more than a journal of giving up PMO. If I died tomorrow I wouldn't have lived a single day as a free man to enjoy myself. I have social anxiety, I haven't made any good friends, just casual encounters, there's no one I have really gotten close to. I have no girlfriend, I haven't even had a proper conversation with a women, it does have something to do with pornography but it also does have a lot to do with social anxiety which is linked to pornography. I didn't make any friends or girlfriends because I was depressed and couldn't talk to anyone. I was depressed and my mind was telling me I'm a loser and didn't let me enjoy myself. I don't like going out because I don't enjoy myself, when I'm with people I don't really enjoy myself. I don't laugh as much as I want to. Yeah I got good grades but when I'm 60 or 70, which will I care more about, the fun or the grades?. I just know I'm made for bigger things, I don't enjoy anything, I don't think I've experienced enjoyment. I just am scared of people, I didn't go out today to overcome my shyness. I have never enjoyed myself, I've never had just random laughs, it's all to do with social situations, I just don't enjoy myself because I worry what other people think and what they do. I hate confrontation because I'm scared of other people. I'm not talking about women anymore, I'm talking about people. I just can't believe that after 18 years on this Earth, I can't remember two instances when I was just me and enjoyed myself. I can't just hang out with friends because I haven't got any. People make friends in school and invite them to there houses, I'm too scared to call people round, I don't have anything interesting to say, nowadays it's all about girls, I haven't been with one or got one. What a fucking freak I am! I haven't lived a day as myself, I feel sorry and pity for who I am right now, I want to change and be more social, I sort of know how to. I just feel like I'm wasting my life, I'm just depressed with life at the moment, I haven't lived!!!!! I think that moving out is going to be the best thing I've done, I want to be my own person. I want to discover religion but I don't feel like it when I was current problems like social anxiety, I feel like social anxiety will hinder all progress in other parts of my life. All I know is, I want some friends, some close friends who I can be myself with, I want a girlfriend but before I get a girlfriend or even friends, before I can be happy and get into confrontations with people, before I can let people into my life, before I can sit down with my family and just relax, I need to get in touch with myself by overcoming my shyness and ultimately becoming myself. Just doing stupid things for the hell of it! I think I'm going to stay away from TV and the internet for the next few weeks, I really need to start overcoming my fears of social anxiety and that means going out and interacting with real people, so I might not be on this for a while, or maybe I'll just be on here to post, I don't know what the future holds, I just hope it's bright!
Day 15 I decided to not go on the internet and watch TV for the day, the only time I've used the internet was to download an app and look at this site. I did many more productive things, I went to friday prayer which is compulsory but before that, I went for a walk. During the walk I got more comfortable walking and walked passed 4 strangers who were guys and said "alright mate". The reactions were alright, after I prayed, I went to the library and got a biography on Steve Jobs, It's the only book I haven't got bored in the first 5 minutes. I just took a break from reading it and I also made some food for myself which was good, after I write this, I don't know what to do, might play some games, I don't know. Another day of NoFap, feels so far away, its good.
Day 17 It's not over yet, i dont think it will ever be over. 17 days is amazing, something worth being very happy about, especially since i relapsed after 2 years. Now i feel more like myself, i've identified my problems of shyness towards women and im going to be working on them. Hopefully. Good luck guys
DAY 18/19 Good progress, was on OMEGLE and saw naked people and even saw some girls sucking dick and masturabing (not real, videos), but I just looked away and tried to not get sucked in. I was fine after that, I'm alright now, I feel a bit bad about the naked people but it wasnt my fault. I think now I'm going to stay away from the internet and television for a while as I need to spend as much time as possible outside doing social things, increasing socialability. Good luck to the rest of you, I hope to only come back here for a successful update and not a relapse! Good Luck Brothers
Day 25 25 days no PMO. I feel so different in the span of 3 weeks, like my life had changed. I still have problems, atleast I'm thinking about solving them now. Had a dream about watching P yesterday, but its the fact that I want to be that James Bond character with his personality that really pushes me. The universe really screwed me over, life is just so hard sometimes, I know how everyone of you who feels depressed and like shit feels. I been through all that crap, it was the hardest thing of my life. I couldnt talk to family, I let people take advantage of me, I was a door mat and conversation, socialising, family and women meant nothing to me, absolutely nothing. I know alot of people find it hard to stay on the path, people try to use software to block P or not stay
Day 27 Life is full of ups and downs, crazy adventures, my life has changes so much in these past few weeks. Im happier and thats the best feeling in the world, i went to a club yesterday and started flirting with all the women, even though i didnt get anywhere and all the women rejected me, im still happy i did what i did. Now im looking to thw future, 18 years of social anxiety, so now is time to explore avenues to become socially contempt. Im also starting university, im going to work on my game and i want to eventually do daygame at a expert level. Life is good and i never thought id hear that at day 1-17
In a few minutes it'll be 30 days since the last time I PMO'd. I don't know what to write. I didn't know how I'd feel of the 30th day, I feel happier with life, getting back to my old self, even improving a little. Life is so hard sometimes, the knock backs we take that we think we can't come back from, time is a blessing and a curse, what will we be remembered for. Rather, what will we remember, PMO! Life is hard. I feel so emotional, so overwhelmed that I've gotten to this position, I congratulate myself, even if I'm the only person who knows what this means. People will see the spring in my step, the grin on my cheeks but they won't know why I'm happy, what it took to get there and who I really am. No one was there for the hardship, the sadness, the depression. Life is what we make of it, do we choose to live in a screen or in the real world. The screen is easier and it's got a good view, but the view outside isn't too shabby either and the emotions. Good luck to me, I hope I exceed my expectations and never have to come on this site again. To all the people who are struggling, you are the true soldiers of this Earth, no one can deny you the right of calling yourselves wairrors and I know in my heart that for each day you go without PMO, there is truly something special inside you!!! PEACE
