HOCD and self low esteem

I'm a 22y male. Since my childhood I had lots of crushes (always girls). I was a bit introverted, so I was more the kind of guy that watches them and dreams with an happy marriage with a lovely woman and a beautiful family. That's my dream, much more than any professional goals. I discovered pornography and masturbation I was maybe 10, always straight. I started to read some erotic stories, first straight, and then gay and incest. I started to see almost every genres of porn, straight (this one the most of the time), gay and even trans. From 10y to 21y, it was completly an adiction. I remember that, once, I tried to watch rape videos. Sometimes I had some same-sex fantasies, specially with those teens who had feminin traits. I always had an awful self-esteem, so in these fantasies I was always "the woman". It didn't feel right but it lasted some years. It was irrelevant, I always knew I was straight and love women. At my 17, I met a girl and completely fell in love with her. She was a bit toxic, our relationship was sometimes abusive. I didn't feel much love from her many times, I was a little bit needy. I loved sex with her, she was beautiful and incredibly hot, I felt so fortunate. 4 years later, our relationship fell to pieces. I honestly think that she didn't love me anymore. I think that I still love her. The last two times I had sex with her I simply couldn't do it, with ED. In this same week, a friend of mine was telling that he had a friend who came out as gay. I told him that it's strange because that friend used to like girls. My friend said "yeah, they think they like girls but then they find that they prefer guys". That words were absolutely tragic to me. I can't stop thinking about the things I made in my puberty. I clearly have HOCD, I know that because I can recognise me in every symptom and I had other obsessions some months ago. First, I felt my heart with palpitations and I thought that I was going to die with an heart attack. I suffered a lot in those months. Then, I made exams and I realised that everything was ok. Some weeks later, I felt heartburn and stomach aches for a long time, then I thought I had cancer. This obsession lasted until I made exams (and I saw everything was alright) and then this HOCD thing started. I know what I am, but I'm feeling that I'm loosing myself. I had some CBT sessions in the early months of this year, I think it helped a bit. I was improving my thoughts and decreasing anxiety levels, but since last week I can't stop searching for this thing of HOCD on Google. The more I search, the more I think that I'm in denial. I found myself doing stupid compulsive things. Sometimes, through straight P and masturbation. But that escalated to visiting prostitutes, like 8 or 9 times, and when I did that I had some days of peace. But I decided to stop. I want to have a girlfriend and build a family and these compulsions are killing me.

Help?

 

I mean, I think it's not possible that I'm gay. I loved girls all my life. And I know that it was PMO (in such an early age) that made me think some things. I never had a crush on a guy and when I think about that seriously that's laughable. But then this fucking stupid images in my mind come again.
Another thing I forget to tell you. When I see a goodlooking guy my anxiety increases so so much. I look to them completly frightened, fearing that I am in denial. I play futsal with my friends weekly, and in the locker room I see other guys naked and i feel NOTHING. I stay very nervous all the time, but I don't feel nothing sexual.
Just another thing, that I know it is attached to my low self esteem. My false/real attractions (although I know I were incapable of doing anything with them) are to guys of my age that I find prettier than me. That is ridiculous, isn't it? And I think it says a lot.

 

I have this thought all the time

 

That's good. Honestly, pornography is one of the cancers of the modern society. It can change your sexual tastes. That is the truth.

For now I can't think in a new relationship, at least until my HOCD is gone. My relationship with my ex was traumatic. During the last year, she had crisis every two months if she liked me or not. That was traumatizing. I spent one year depressed. My dream was to marry her and I know that I'll need more time to recover my feelings.

 

Thanks for the support. I really just want to recover from this and be who I am.