Quite nervous I can't stop, Have come to conclusion I'm built this way.

Hey fellow Fapstronauts. Nice to meet all of you. I found out about this site through, ironically enough, the chive (http://thechive.com/2015/05/26/all-the-info-you-need-to-know-about-online-porn-14-hq-photos/). I've decided to join and give this a shot.
I know for a fact that my habit effects my personal life. I currently am dating a wonderful girl, we've been together for two years, and our sex life is almost non existent. Now, there probably are many contributing factors. But I can definitely say that a big one is my unrealistic expectations with sex due too my PMO and what I was subjected to in a previous relationship.
Before her I was sleeping with many women in order to fill a void in my heart that never got filled. majority of whom were more than willing (even craving) to be objectified and degraded to sexual objects. I look back on this fondly, I can't quite tell if that is wrong of me to feel.
The last serious relationship I had (before my current) was with a beautiful woman, probably the most gorgeous I've ever had the pleasure of being close to. She was sexually abused at a very young age, forcing a sexual identity on her so she was incapable of developing a healthy one herself. We were together for a year and 8 months, During this time my PMO habit virtually disappeared. She was more than sufficient at satisfying it. Once we parted ways, My PMO habit exploded. and since has been getting worse.
I would hardly say that the sex with her was "normal". It involved all extremes. I viewed it as a beautiful thing, we were very comfortable with each other. Though there definitely was a darker motivation to it I suppose. (her acting out her previous abuse made her have explosive (you know whats), a common side effect of people whom have been conditioned by traumatic events to act out a certain way.)
It comes in waves, with habits becoming darker and lighter based on my level of frustration. I feel like it's a beast in a cage that I have to either eventually starve and let it die, or let it continue to get out and consume parts of my life.
I tend see women on a sexual level. Granted I would never cheat on my lover, but the taboo of it, the novelty of a new experience, and the consistent consumption/PMO online pushes me to desire it. Almost every woman I meet (whom i deem attractive) is instantly scrutinized under a sexual radar. I don't want to cheat, but I want to play with the fire, and I know eventually innocent flirting will go too far.
This girl is the first relationship I have ever had that is not based off of sex. She is wonderfully caring and loving, albeit she has her shortcomings. We are working on becoming better people. Not just for us, but for anyone down the road we may influence. Even if I don't spend the rest of my life with her. I would like to discover consistent satisfaction with a true woman. (There are a lot more factors then sexual satisfaction, but for the sake of this site we will stick with that)
To wrap this up before this becomes TLDR material,
*I'm tired of feeling guilt from my darker porn habits
*I'm tired of having to find new extremes to give me a satisfying PMO session.
*I'm tired of degrading or uncomfortable acts in the bedroom (new extremes) being the only things that give me a satisfying O
*I'm tired of losing motivation to clean/work/exercise because PMO is there waiting for me.
*I'm tired of scrutinizing women on this level, it makes it impossible to be actual friends with them (can't seem to control this one. Is this normal?)
*I'm tired of feeling weird when comparing my PMO consumption in comparison to what should be *healthy*

I've apparently deluded myself into thinking that I'm just a normal healthy guy and this is all fine. Please nofap, if there is a way to go about this to make my life happier. I'm all ears, I want nothing more than to strive for a better life.

Thanks for reading my story Fapstronauts.
Hope I didn't come off too graphic.

 

Thank you Britaxe.

Finally done, I do know exactly what you are talking about. I've noticed it at times, I dont even have the urge, sometimes, I just do it because it's a habit. other times I just do it because I know the reward, although sometimes small and after the fact unsatisfying, gives me a moment of bliss and relaxation in a generally stressful life. Your insight is appreciated, perhaps I should stop treating this as a demon, and accept it as part of me, and learn to simply let it exist and let it pass. Reflecting on that, when I try and fight it, it just makes it that much bigger, almost like if you give a troll to attention. But, If you don't "feed the troll", he has nothing to go off of. thus disappearing into the background to make room for something new. I'm sure there is no one size fits all, But, the more insight and coping skills I have the better equipped I am to address this. Thank you.

 

Thanks fellas, stay strong, I wish you the best of luck in your journey guys. The desire to get well is going to prove far stronger than these urges. Just know that deep down, your are a good person (if you weren't, there would be no desire to get better). Your biggest enemy will be yourself, do not be your own judge, jury, and executioner. Just strive for love and kindness, and I can assure you, all will be well. May not be today or tomorrow or in a month. but eventually, with perseverance, you will succeed. Pretty words to try and live by, they don't accurately represent the struggle. But they sure as hell keep me motivated, they were told to me by someone I love very much.
9 hours in, woke up after my nights sleep. and wanted nothing more than to PMO. Only thing that stopped me was getting back on here and looking at your guys responses. This is going to be an insane struggle. Working up the courage to press delete on all the saved stuff and the bookmarked pages. definitely going to need help guys. I hope this will actually change me for the better.

 

Thank you For your reply again Britaxe,
I'm going to press delete before I post this reply. I tend to view this as a collection. You know you have a problem when your pmo habit has consumed enough of your hard drive space that it's cutting into steam game space and you have to go through and delete the old stuff and save the gems. I've done this before. Only to regret not being able to PMO to my favorite stuff and having to spend an hour or more on the internet hunting down that one video that will give me the "perfect" PMO session. I guess I may need more faith in myself, I am going to need to use this place as a better support system in order to successfully achieve this change for better health. It's really difficult not to desire this with sexuallity being shoved down my throat from the media at any chance it gets. Wish me luck, here's for the best!

 

Inspiring to say the least. If you can do it so can I. Pmo has been on my mind since I woke up, my brain keeps saying "what's one more session going to hurt?". Quite amazing how dependent my brain is on it when it's facing not having porn anymore.

 

thanks temujim,
Would love to hear from you on this post britaxe and temujim and all others. (http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/hobbies-that-override-a-pmo-craving.45484/). Definitely need some suggestions.