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Abducted. Please help

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Hollowonetwo, Aug 20, 2015.

  1. Aug 20, 2015 #1
    Hollowonetwo

    Hollowonetwo Fapstronaut

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    Hello. I'm 25 years old. I have a truly destructive sexual behavior. I need help.

    I first came into contact with the ideas of damage on the brain and life because of porn via ybop.com. I tried to quit watching porn, but it was hard. Like with all of us, of course. I have been fapping since I was a little boy on my dads computer after school. Sex has been my greatest rush in life my whole life. But in the recent years it has evolved into something not so pleasant. It has taken over my life, in ways that I don't want it to. It's not only porn. I'm one of those creeps hanging out on cam sites trying to pick up girls. I could sit for hours and hours, and I didn't want to O, just edging for hours. I watched porn simultaneously.

    I have also done some phone sex that have costed me money, and have sometimes been thinking about buying real sex. Once I even called a prostitute, and said I would call her back, but I never did. My addiction isn't merely to porn, but to sex in overall, I think. All I can think about is sex. When I see girls with shorts my mind gets crazy. It's like I can't control my eyes. I've been masturbating on all kinds of crazy places, and have had all kinds of crazy fantasies.

    Demon
    It didn't matter if it was orgasm to porn, phone sex, cam sites or just plain M, it always left me with feelings of intense guilt and low self-esteem. Yet I always do it again. Even when I'm masturbating and telling myself that I shouldn't do this, I still see it through. Why do I feel guilty? Because when I'm "sober" (that is, not horny) I am a completely different person. The things I've done, phone sex and cam sex - and what has happened during those "sessions", are things I would never do. Why am I doing it? I don't know. Has it to do with more than just porn? Maybe. I've been single for the last six years, and my last relationship left me horribly depressed. Since then I've had a hard time feeling emotions of emotional intimacy, and letting people in. Such a cliché, but true. If I could, I would.

    I sometimes wish for my sexuality to be completely gone. I've wished for asexuality. Because my sexual behavior isn't me. It's killing me. I do things I would never do. As strange as that sounds, it's true. It goes against my fundamental ethical views.

    And now all this has to stop. I can't take it anymore.

    The king of douchebags
    I just had a streak of 40 days without PM or O. During that time I've come to learn a lot about myself and my sexuality. I felt so much better and stronger. Before this streak I've had maybe four streak of between one and three weeks. And I've realized that to be able to do this - to become healthy - I need knowledge about myself. What triggers me, how my addiction can be canalized through other things (like dating sites, tinder, which I've used intensely sometimes during my streaks. But it was never about meeting anyone, to my unknowing, it was just looking at girls when I was horny, and trying to get laid quickly.) I have gotten greater knowledge of when I get horny - like when I'm hung over, or feeling depressed, the itch comes. I've subconsciously been using orgasm as a anti-anxiety and antidepression drug.

    I know that I objectify women and I know that I want to stop. I want to be able to love again. Love one person and to be satisfied with it. I want to be able to let myself be loved by another person again. Let someone in. I could just go on..

    I had one wet dream during my 40 days streak, and the chaser was almost too much. But I made it ten days more. Until last night, I relapsed. I woke up in the middle of the night horny as hell. Couldn't control myself and called a phone sex service. Now I just relapsed again, in the same way. It's greasy and messy. I feel like the king of douchebags, thoroughly rotten to the marrow, a piece of worthless shit. And I'm so worried that I might never get healthy. My mind is truly abducted.

    Can I ever be me?
    My destructive high-risk sexual behavior got a girl pregnant, accidentally. It was tough at first, and I see a therapist regularly to deal with the situation. But it's a great thing, I have a daughter and I love her more than anything in the whole world. I see her as often as I can, and me and the mother are close friends.

    She, my daughter, is the centre of my universe, and I want to be a good and loving father to her.

    That's why this has to stop. I want to become the person I want to be. I just want to be me. But I can't. It's the worst heroin. I've quit both nicotine and cannabis after long and intense use, but this? It's the worst. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good father to my baby-child. I want to love her mother. But I can't. My sexual behavior calls for other things. It wants me to do other things. I wonder if I'll ever get rid of this demon inside of me.

    Is there any hope for me? Please help
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2015
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 20, 2015
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 20, 2015
    #1
    Dimi143 likes this.
  2. Aug 20, 2015 #2
    Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

    6,380
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    Welcome! And, congratulations on 50 days. That's a great accomplishment. You fell. Get back up, and resume your fight. It isn't just about a streak, but overall progress. If you can string together several more 50 day streaks, you've got something!

    Yes, there is hope. Look around, learn, and you'll be off to a good start.
     
    Septimus, Aug 20, 2015
    Septimus, Aug 20, 2015
    #2
    Dimi143 and Hollowonetwo like this.
  3. Aug 20, 2015 #3
    JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    3,773
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    My Journal
    Hey, man. Great sharing - you have a great introspection and honesty there.

    My second longest record ever went was 40 days - and that was many years ago. It's always been 1, 2, or 3 weeks at most after that. Now, I'm at 34 days - soon to beat that 40 day record - and today was one of those hell days for me, but this site had some kind of power over me even when I was feeling my worst...I just couldn't give up again like I always do. The accountability here was also too strong - I couldn't figure out a loophole of how to cheat my recovery, abandon my recovery, postpone it once again, etc.

    Two absolute requirements:

    1) You have to have a complete disgust over this addiction - no more pious, sanitized platitudes like "I want to stop PMO because I want to think better, etc." C'mon...while that and other reasons may be true, make a list of the real disgusting reasons you find PMO sickening. A good buddy has posted a starter template list just today even - take a look at it , edit it to fit you, and add to it if need be. It may be of help during the tough times to remind you the addicted life you left behind during recovery. (Scroll down to "just the thoughts of" at

    http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?th...t-during-my-first-100-days.45178/#post-308763


    2) We need human support. We need other bros to be accountable to - and Nofap recovery provides that - it is actually the one missing piece of the puzzle that has prevented me from recovering all these years. God and I alone didn't suffice. God wanted me to recover with other guys going through the same. But, who the hell could I ever share this with? Such a dark, disgusting secret. Nofap has been a godsend to me in this regard.

    Also, the following video (see below) got me through a tough day like today - when my exhausted will power usually is my downfall. Instead, I defocused from my will power and focused of allowance and acceptance of the pain and discomfort and delusional thinking even - knowing that my brain was rewiring and healing itself. Plus, I did an hour on the treadmill tonight via a Nofap buddy's recommendation for some exercise.

    Best of luck in your recovery, dude. If you did 40 or more days before, you are capable of this. Keep up the fight!


     
    JoeinUSA, Aug 20, 2015
    JoeinUSA, Aug 20, 2015
    #3
    Hollowonetwo likes this.
  4. Aug 21, 2015 #4
    Hollowonetwo

    Hollowonetwo Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the pep talk, Septimus. I will get back up.
    Thank you, JoeinMD for your great advice and the video. Got me a new perspective on how to deal with things. Must watch closer and try to really understand what he means. Love to both of you!
     
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 21, 2015
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 21, 2015
    #4
  5. Aug 21, 2015 #5
    BreakMyRustyCage

    BreakMyRustyCage Fapstronaut

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    Hi Hallowonetwo,

    It sounds like you are dealing with some really heavy stuff! NoFap is a great start - with the stakes being as high as they are for you, it may be worth considering checking out a local sex addiction group as well. I just had my first experience with one last week - it is really great for folks who need a big, significant change. I have not yet decided whether or not I want to join the group, only because they require a time commitment that I'm not sure I can give (weekly meetings and daily phone calls with your sponsor and other addicts). But I can tell from my limited experience that they were the real deal, and I think double-teaming NoFap and a group like SAA or one of those would be a fantastic tag team.

    Here are some websites with lists of meeting times and places around the US:

    http://www.slaafws.org/northamerica
    https://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/UnitedStates/

    I only mention this because you mentioned you have a daughter, and I can't begin to imagine how much scarier that makes all of this. It's okay if you don't feel that you want or need to visit a group in person, but since your situation sounds so rough, I thought I'd share.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel free to share your struggle with us.
     
    BreakMyRustyCage, Aug 21, 2015
    BreakMyRustyCage, Aug 21, 2015
    #5
    Hollowonetwo likes this.
  6. Aug 22, 2015 #6
    Hollowonetwo

    Hollowonetwo Fapstronaut

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    Hey, BreakMyRustCage. Thank you for the great advice. Unfortunately I don't live in the US, but we have those here as well. I've been looking in to that and am planning on going to a meeting soon. Nice to hear it had impact on you. I hope it will work for me as well. Big love!
     
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 22, 2015
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 22, 2015
    #6
  7. Aug 22, 2015 #7
    Hollowonetwo

    Hollowonetwo Fapstronaut

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    When I wrote this I was in a bad place. I feel better and stronger now, and feel I really have the will to get healthy. And I know that there are a lot of people here having similar problems, and I'm not worse than anyone here in that sense. I sense your worry, BreakMyRustCage. Don't worry. Let us get through all of this together. Love!
     
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 22, 2015
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 22, 2015
    #7
    BreakMyRustyCage likes this.
  8. Aug 24, 2015 #8
    Leastwoo

    Leastwoo Fapstronaut

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    " I have gotten greater knowledge of when I get horny - like when I'm hung over, or feeling depressed, the itch comes. I've subconsciously been using orgasm as a anti-anxiety and antidepression drug."

    Your insight on yourself has lead me to my own epiphany. I couldn't have put it in better words. I just joined this site today. Stay strong, I wish you the best of luck in your journey. The desire to get well is going to prove far stronger than these urges. Just know that deep down, your are a good person (if you weren't, there would be no desire to get better). Your biggest enemy will be yourself, do not be your own judge, jury, and executioner. Just strive for love and kindness, and I can assure you, all will be well. May not be today or tomorrow or in a month. but eventually, with perseverance, you will succeed.
     
    Leastwoo, Aug 24, 2015
    Leastwoo, Aug 24, 2015
    #8
    Hollowonetwo likes this.
  9. Aug 26, 2015 #9
    Hollowonetwo

    Hollowonetwo Fapstronaut

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    Hello, Leastwoo. I was moved when I read your post. Your words mean a lot. They truly strengthen me. Thank you, and the best of luck to you as well. I hope we can be in touch, friend. Big love!
     
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 26, 2015
    Hollowonetwo, Aug 26, 2015
    #9

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