So, this is something that I've been wanting to talk about for a long time, but I kept bottling it inside perpetually because I know I could possibly get in trouble for mentioning it, now it's going to be finally unleashed. Yes, I do have violent thoughts and I'm somewhat pedophilic, I'm extremely disgusted by my behavior, it leaves me in a cul-de-sac of endless misery, I like to imagine having hardcore oral sex with certain females I look at, I'm merely 15 years old and I thought I'd mention this now instead of when I grow up, ever since I had a foot fetish since I was 8 years old, and I used to be aggressive and reluctant to do a lot of things that teachers and parents tell me to do, this is not to be confused with criminal behavior, I was just violent, but whenever I would sit beside a girl in class when I was very young, I would stay calm in a state of serenity. My thoughts kept worsening and the relishment and novelty I get from pornography exacerbated, I invariably suppress my fantasies about having sex with a corpse because I know it's not reflective of who I am and that it's repugnant. I used to love to play violent video games and watch violent content when I was young, it didn't cause me to be violent since violence was already an instrinsic part of me along with my grandiosity and maladaptive daydreaming tendencies, I'm very egotistical and like to feel more important than other people, it just motivated me more to be violent in real life. I think it's very imperative to take action and get therapy, but I can't tell my ardent religious parents because they will see me as a delinquent worthless human being. I also tend to get scared of my father a lot because of an early history of parental conflict and I sometimes get scared and shocked when my father gets somewhat angry at me, not the "extreme and abusive" anger albeit that's immensely worse and shocking, even one iota of normal anger gets me saddened and angry, I think I might have been conditioned to react this way because of the early exposure to his violent behavior of him. The question is this: If I quit my pornography addiction, will these thoughts go away, or is it an instrinsic part of me? The psyche is very complex and complicated along with it's constituents, I don't know how to fix these thoughts or if there is a healthy way of catharsis.
I want to preface this by commenting on how well-written this post is. It is saddening to see that someone as articulate as you bears such mangy thoughts against your better judgment day in and day out. Though different solutions exist for different people, I would consider thinking in a broader abstraction of your thoughts. It is entirely possible that you are bearing neurosis mapped to, from what I can think of, perseveration, or rumination, among other possible processes that may point towards a diagnosis. You may recognize the fact that this sexual expression found its way into much of your life; you may even be continually thinking about it unbridled while lessening your regard for the other activities you've taken upon. As a result of your broad mental inner-workings that define the "self," and continual repetition of said degenerative thought, you have come to the view that this may be an incorrigible counterpart to your character- the more sensible, self-deprecating side. It's good to recognize that this is merely an extension of sexuality as it broadens to the portion of your mind capable of greater cognitive thought and projection, and therefore does not technically exist along with your learning towards more periphrastic modes of speech (for instance, some people make use of simpler terms since they are predisposed to that way of lingual expression) but does - in a way - share a stark similarity with your maladaptive daydreaming (visual, a creative display of plot and thus situational, pretty obvious). Without settling a position about what defines character, and how mutable it can be, let's assume this obsession is what it is - just another obsession. It may or may not be in your best interest to speak with your parents about the lascivious fantasies that are embedded with this obsession; if you choose not to, make mention of the fact that you are "obsessive"- just that. Make a complaint about obsession to traits and situational daydreaming (be general if you so wish), and detail the level of intrusiveness that you're facing. As per forstalling thought by other means, many have reported that abstinence from indulging in all forms of sexual thought and material has appeased the frequency and intensity of intrusion. At the end of the day, your mind belongs to you; it is your dutiful responsibility to at least help it by putting down a thought cycle when it first arises. So, try out being a little more carping with what you think. I am not going to make mention of any age-old adages since, as you have said, the psyche is too complicated to be defined by attributing character to thought. So, my advice to you would be: to not think bad thoughts (the material itself) or thoughts that allude to bad thoughts (a sexual term, phrase, descriptor of any kind) and occupy yourself with other things being damn certain that you're focused only on the work at hand. Talk about this a little bit more on here. It'll probably help you out a bit too, and more detail is always better for people who wish to proffer suggestions/solutions
Btw, I think you meant "forestalling". Superb, I'm really entranced by the fruitfulness of your proposed advice, I think there are certain mechanisms by which I can curb my intrusive sexual thoughts if I talk to a therapist but... There is one problem. I could be nitpicky here, but when you said: "So, my advice to you would be: to not think bad thoughts or thoughts that allude to bad thoughts." I strongly concur that we should take preemptive measures so that whenever a nauseating thought like this arises, we easily stop it. But, these amorous and sexually intrusive thoughts mostly can be overarching and difficult to deal with, it's difficult to take preemptive measures and prevent these thoughts from resurfacing especially when other facets of your life are infested with somberness and stress, if you are in an instrinsically neurotic state, it's very easy to be tempted and prompted to use palliatives such as violent pornographic material, that doesn't mean preemptiveness doesn't work, I just don't think it will solve the core problem of my morbidity...
If you could know how much hindrance is in the way of convincing my parents to get therapy, you would be demoralised lol.
Morbidity is just another ailment. You're sick of it because it tempers you with thoughts you don't want to entertain, right? The point of watching your thoughts is to ensure they don't negatively impact the quality and strength of your mind. Pair the challenge by focusing on something entirely apart from the sexual struggle and after a while, the effects will begin to wane. Before we come to reprove this possible solution as only having a palliative role, let's see how far doing it right takes us. If you want this habit out, do everything you can to redefine your life. No porn, no masturbation, no dissipation of any kind; no visualized thoughts, no sexual descriptors, nothing even the slightest bit suggestive. No sexuality. Quit cold turkey for as long as you need to; abstinence won't kill you. The best thing you can do for yourself if you do not end up going to therapy is to quit feeding yourself obscenities that bring you back into the cycle which fears you (you have to - HAVE TO - fear backslide). Install a blocker on your computer (Blocksite, Forticlient, Cold turkey, ***, I've personally got all four of them installed even though I've been off porn for over 4 months). Get off your phone and instill some routines along with percepts that align how we both feel and act. For me, that would mean sleeping prone with my hands under my pillow at all times. Discipline always makes us better.
I applaud you for admitting this. I know it has to be extremely difficult. I encourage you to to install whatever porn filter that you can and get into therapy. Also find a man that you can talk to about this.
I had a lot of violent inclinations around your age too, fantasies and such. The majority of it went away with time, and dissipated with the introduction of healthier lifestyle choices. More than likely it is an amalgamation of XxPubertyxX and the frustrations of the modern setting for males that often leaves us feeling bottled up and inadequate. I had also started some fairly extreme tastes in porn around your age, too. All in all, I was unassailable: everyone was out to get me, no one liked me, parents didn’t care about me, I wasn’t man enough, penis wasn’t big enough, god hates me, etc etc. None of which was true, of course. To say I am a substantially different man now than I was then is a vast understatement (granted, I hit puberty at 14.5 so I wasn’t a man at all then!). I’d also say scale back your diction. It’s exemplary in writing though not for speaking, unless you are giving some form of formal speech. It can be hard not to as there is no shortage of words that allow for greater expression, but constantly using superfluous vocabulary tends to alienate people from you- even on a peer-peer basis with someone that is also speaking in such a fashion. We subconsciously associate a wider array of vocabulary with formality. Especially around your age, most of your peers aren’t going to also possess the same level of command of English, and the ones that do are weird fucks or they know how to turn it off and talk normally. The basic premise is to treat it in a scalar fashion. In doing so, people can tell how serious I am being by the proportion of “big words”, grammar, etc. Ultimately, it comes down to recognizing different voices of yourself and when/where to use them; a skill which comes with age and experience. Also, scaling back the language serves to undermine superiority complexes. Worked for me. You should also be aware that just because you use a greater vocabulary does not equate with having something more important to say. In some aspects it’s like putting fire stickers on the side of your car to make it go faster. Stop taking yourself and your situation so seriously. Let go. You’re picking up all these sick fetishes and fantasies then treating them like rare cards, running around this playground and showing them to all the dumb fuck kids. Oh look how fucked I am, woe is me. Go to the gym, make an absolute fool of yourself when you display how weak, pathetic, and uncoordinated you are. Then keep doing it. Keep thinking your own little custom written program is so infallible, even though you’re making piss for gains and hurting yourself. Keep doing that shit until your inflated little ego finally cracks under the weight of reality. Then go to the strength community (not the fitness community in general, there’s a lot of fakes and fuckboys there) and see how humble they are in spite of their strength. One of the men I look up to the most is Brian Alsruhe. Absolute unit in terms of strength, conditioning, and performance. Continued working out with incredible tenacity and dedication despite vomiting several times per day from an ongoing and unknown medical condition. He advocates for us to suffer beautifully. To die empty; that we had given every drop of life we had until the end. Your “suffering” exists predominantly in your head and is totally self-inflicted. I see a lot of myself in you, so I’m going to tell you what I would to myself at your age, which is to: shut the fuck up, stop thinking, and start listening.
I can see why, but I don’t think so. He actually sees what he is/is doing is wrong and wants to change, whereas Elliot thought everything and everyone else was wrong.
Funnily enough, I agree with some of the things the Incel community espouses. However, I don't think I'm going to become one and don't even like Elliot...
I have spent a lot of time around dead bodies in my previous career and believe me, you wouldn’t want to engage in necrophilia. The bodies are cold and they smell bad…even if they are refrigerated immediately after death. Your fantasy is not grounded in reality. Just remember that this would not be something that you would want to do IRL. Try to get out and do positive things in your life and push the poison out of your mind.
This is perhaps the best way to ensure charged thoughts don't spoil the day. We're all given the choice to govern our minds, through direct action (moralizing, meditating) or indirect (distracting, developing through physical means).
I don't think fetishes ever go away completely, but if you quit watching porn long enough, vanilla stuff will be enough to satisfy you and you will develop so much control over your fetishes to the point where they wont affect you at all. A fetish (if it's a hardcore one, I'm not talking about shit like feet) only really becomes a problem when it's turned into a reality and if it's making you unable to enjoy normal sex - avoiding porn will prevent/stop these things from happening.
It is not a jest, every serial killers who enjoyed necrophilia that this one has read about admitted to returning several time to their victim's decomposed body crawling with maggots, it is just information and it might even gross him out of that fetish so why would one want to ban this one for speaking the truth?
Hm. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I suppose I just bristled at the quality of such a post of levity in a thread that struck a more serious chord, along with the lack of context .
Get professional help. Now. You don’t have an option; tell your parents things are going really bad. Stop watching porn but seek help now, from real professionals, not just recovering addicts on a web forum. You need a doctor.
