Hi! I really wonder how does your relationship looks like with your gf. I am especially interested in the longer ones, as me and my gf are in a relationship for 3,5 years now but I really dont know how should I feel and think about being with her. Probably every relationship is different, but I always felt like that I feel and act different in relationships than most guys. I feel like I still love my girlfriend, but its just not the same. She is absolutely a wife material, sexy, clever, has a good humour, she loves me, her family is awesome and they love me too. She supports me in hard times and accepts my depression when it comes. However I still feel like something is missing, I am not excited about meeting her or being with her, we can’t really talk about anything, it’s mainly just me goofing around when we are together. Tbh, I feel shit about this and I think that even if we break up now, I will feel the exact same thing in the future with another girl after a relationship this long... from time to time I have these exact thoughts in my head, like every 3-4 months..what would happen if we break up??... Thats why I am asking your experiences on this field. I also think that my porn addiction plays a part of this, as I want to seek more women than one at a time...sad...
As someone who has helped counsel both men and women over the years with relationship problems such as this, I can say that you are missing out on something. However, it isnt an external thing. It is internal. Yes, your addiction has played a part, but what that has done was mask the underlying problem. This underlying problem is probably what led up to the addiction as well, or at least contributed to it. The addiction exasperated the problem. Your best bet is to find a therapist that can help you with any underlying problem, or problems. This will help you find a sense of fulfillment within yourself. Once this is done, attributing what is lacking to the external should cease since you'll be able to recognize the internal problem. Relationships were never meant to make up for what was lacking with ourselves. They were meant to enhance what was already there. If you're happy, you'll be happy in a relationship. If you're sad, you'll still be sad in a relationship. As far as your gf is concerned, until you're able to find who you are outside of the addiction and problems that led to it, you'll never really know if you want to stay or go. You could leave her now then discover yourself in a year and realize you made a mistake by losing her. Then again you could stay with her, discover yourself, then wonder what you're doing in life. Heal the internal and the external will become clearer. Best of luck to you.
Then why are you with her? This is a big sing for you to move on and look for another woman that keep you interested over the years. Maybe you are a guy that get bored of woman after a couple of month or years.. maybe you are into open relationships or relationships are not for you. Or maybe you didn't just found a woman with the personality you are attracted to or that have the quimestry to generate a lot of conversation even after years of relationship. In your situation.. I would call it a day and move on, always trust your guts. If you feel something is missing then don't settle. Go and look for some other woman that fill the bill for you. Also she deserve a man that really want to be with her, don't be selfish and let her be with a man that really value her time.
Thanks for your time to write this reply! I think that it would be the same with every woman in the world, no matter how great she is to me. I feel that I can’t build a real healthy relationship, no matter who I try with. Thats why I asked how most guys feel in a relationship after a few years. I would love to have a happy family with kids, but I dont know whats nornal to feel in a relationship in the long term... and I was also thinking about a lot on the topic if its selfish to be with her like “this”. I read a lot on this topic, and I think that she should be able to decide if she wants to be with me or not. I think the selfish play here is if I push her away telling her that she deserves better. Maybe I am not the perfect guy for her, maybe I am, but thats something she should decide and I think that I shouldnt make this decision for her.
Thanks for your time! I will try to seek some help on this topic. I was thinking about finding a therapist, but my financial situation is not that great as I just graduated, moved out and I am living from paycheck to paycheck. I will try to look for solutions, I could find great things on the internet too (i hope at least) I know i have been trough a lot of traumatic events in my childhood, I just have to find a way to heal from them. Thanks again!
Since you may or may not be able to see someone in the near future, I will provide a few tips since it is trauma. These will help everyone in general, but if you're familiar with attachment theories, EI development across the life span, and cognitive growth, these stem from those. Sit in the sun every morning for at least 20 minutes being aware of your breath. Stay as relaxed as possible. For 15-40 minutes a day, sit directly on the ground outside with as much skin exposed to the ground as possible. Walk barefoot whenever possible. Sit under a tree for 2-30 minutes a day. Meditate. Using guided meditation is great if you have trouble getting started. Manipulate sand, play doh, or clay in your hands for several minutes a day. If you're able to sit on the ground, it is best to do this while sitting. If the dirt is loose, pour dirt from one container to another. If using dirt is not possible, water will also work. Trauma stunts cognitive growth especially if it is during the first 8 years of our lives. These little practices will help the prefrontal cortex and parasympathetic nervous system. When you go through trauma, you become wired for survival. You can rewire yourself for healthy attachments.
