I lost my streak of 2 months

Im gonna be honest here, my source of my addiction is that I struggle with homosexual thoughts, and they are strongest at night when im about to sleep. To cope with this I watch porn so I can feel secure, but since I haven't been watching it the feeling comes full force and I lose control. Im honestly lost here as a kid I was straight but now im in a limbo where I just dont know anymore.
Main reason I lost my streak is because I went on a ski trip with some friends and there was a girl that was interested in me while there. However the girl was literally terrified of me, I felt her energy whenever I was around her and talking to her was hard too. She's extremely shy and I guess im like too weird or just a freaky guy in general. I didnt really do anything to scare her, I wasn't being a perv or I wasn't trying to force conversations. I gave her space when it was necessary. Am I just so far gone that I just don't know whats wrong with me. My friends are starting to think im gay and people are saying so based on how I dress. Is it because of that, that I cant have a meaningful relationship with a girl? Im lost guys, I really am, Im really lost here. I keep telling my self that im not, and I tell myself that im not because I've always liked girls, not once in my life did I have a guy crush, not even now. But in the back of my mind theres this little voice that just makes it true. Im just lost guys, getting girls for the people I know is like going clothes shopping for them, it just comes so naturally and easy. For me though its a complete science.

 

I was told by my therapist that im a highly sensitive person, not as a diagnosis but as an observation as she is one her self. What you said about how I absorb things easier than others is exactly what she mentioned. On the girl thing though, I dont understand what you mean by a crazy connection but shes still weirded out by me? I guess since im pretty sensitive I was able to feel her energy strongly and how she maybe felt when she was around me. I wouldn't say she was weirded out by me, but she was definitely intimidated. She isn't very experienced and is also extremely shy and I felt like I was doing or saying something that made her practically run away from me. Although because of PMO I didn't really look at her as something to satisfy my sexual desires but more of someone who I can be with, so I really didn't do anything pervy or weird, even my friends told me that I was perfectly fine.

 

Yeah I never watched it only until I got into a porn comic phase where there was femboy porn comics with extremely curvy males. I started out watching straight porn and my HOCD started when I got high and saw a trans girl on a vice video and felt attracted to her. Then my whole world flipped on its head and 4 years later I still dont feel at piece. But at the bottom of my heart no matter how much I FEEL a certain way I know that all I really long for is a relationship with a girl, and the lack of love and compassion I feel is translated and substituted with my porn addiction, where because I lack someone in my life I feel like theres no other way. HOCD is a bitch and a half, I really cant express how much its dragged me down over the years. I never had a male crush in my life not even celebrities or what have you, I just get these intense groinal responses and it really makes me convinced sometimes. I just cant express how frustrating it is to really want a girl but get cock blocked by thoughts of homosexuality. Like " do I really like this girl? Or am I just trying to prove to myself something?" but I do damnit! I know I like girls! But for fucks sake it just scratches in the back of my mind like a little animal waiting for its moment to strike and it really makes things hard you know?
I really dont know what can help me. The thoughts like come hardest whenever im most on edge, and it makes me feel a certain way in order to watch porn to relieve that anxiety. Maybe I should join a porn addiction recovery group so I can get the most amount of help for my situation because I can't really stop. I have a therapist that im gonna feel bad for telling how I lost my streak, but I think it'll be a good step for recovery. Honestly though my therapist doesn't really understand what im going through because I told her about my gay thoughts and emotions and she told me that im most likely in the closet. But I assured her that I never was gay in the first place and was always into girls growing up and even now with how much I struggle I still find the girls on the street extremely attractive but with a nagging little thought that takes over.
I dont know how to express this to my therapist without her thinking that im just in the closet.