Relationship finished? Nofap tackled it?

No I don't think this is normal. Sexual attraction does not end for everyone so it doesn't have to be the case. Were you sexually attracted to her in the beginning? How long have you been rebooting now? Have you replaced giving sexual energy to PMO with giving it to women on the street and at the office? Fantasy can be just as bad as porn. Are you still masturbating and if so is there fantasy involved.

Lots of questions!!

 

Do you mean the excitement of looking at a new girl like a sexual object? My boyfriend sees me as a person not just an orifice to use, so please define what special attraction means to you. @Limeaid is right, lots of questions to be addressed that could be helpful in your recovery.

 

Hi Fercant, thanks for posting. I just finished 18 days with nothing except intimacy with my gf. I can completely relate to what you are talking about and from what I can tell, it's completely normal for someone who had pmoed for years (it's been a constant thing for me for about 23 years). I don't know the right or wrong answer, but what I can share with you is my experience. I felt just as you do and was terribly ashamed of myself. I fantasized about girls I'd just met or just anyone other than my gf. Now, she never confronted me about my pmoing, and I decided to take the path of not telling her about what I'm doing now because I don't believe everything has to be disclosed in a relationship. Here's why. When I want her to tell me everything, it's because I really don't trust her or what she may be doing. After setting that precedent, what happens is that she begins to expect me to disclose everything as well, then I get resentful. I've found a more healthy approach is to trust her for who she is and not allow my fears to be projected onto her. In the same way, I don't need to tell her everything because I know I'm fully respectful and faithful to her.

So why am I talking about trust? I don't know your relationship, but I realized I fantasized about other girls because there was the potential of getting something I wasn't getting with my gf. I found there were a few things that really bothered me, but I didn't discuss them much out of fear of her reaction, and I daydreamd these girls would not have those problems and would simply satisfy me sexually in every way. The solution? I constructively started talking to my gf about the things that were bothering me, focusing on my feelings and why I was wanting to talk about them. She was completely understanding and acknowledged these were things she was struggling with and would try to work harder on them. In the end we developed a much closer connection and I started to feel I really had a partner, someone whose needs I could help meet and who would do the same for me. The attraction to other girls remains, that might take a while, but since then the intimacy between the two of us had increased 10 fold. The other night I didn't even imagine other women when I was with her, all my attention was right there... And she seems to act more affectionately towards me than before too.

So it's not just a wait for things to improve with abstinence, at least not for me. It was more of a take action to develop the partnership I wanted to have through lots of communication, understanding, and compromise.

I hope this helped, fight the good fight brother.

 

Great post @Samo1999.

I think it is important to know that every single person in a committed relationship, man or woman, finds other people attractive. That is for sure normal, but you choose to be with who you are with because it is about so much more than just physical and sexual pleasure. It is about being with your best friend.

MOing to fantasy can be just as bad as PMO for your reboot. All sexual energy and focus should be directed at your GF. She will become the epitome of sex to you. You will find her THE most attractive, she will be the one to drive you wild and all other women will pale in comparison to her. You have to give your reboot more time, stop masturbating and stop checking out other girls altogether...this will get easier with time. It sounds like you really do love her so it will be worth it to really give her all of your attention. Ask any guy in here how attraction has changed for their wives and GF's when they stopped masturbating and started focusing on them for sexual pleasure.

 

I agree Limeaid. Although I don't know if I'll ever stop looking at girls, what I've heard men in healthy relationships do is recognize beauty, but not automatically imagine a pornographic scenario with a woman sitting in a lunch room for example.

The difference I notice with my gf is i see her more for everything she does for me and what I can do for her besides sex. With porn and fantasizing about girls I imagine all the things I want... caring listening to me, fixing me dinner, laughing together... would be there as well. But I see more clearly now since I've been fap free for 23 days, that our relationship is so much deeper and that makes me even more attracted as time progresses.

 

Hey Fercant.

IMO a lot of the "advice" you get on here, while well-meaning, is somewhat misguided or given by people who perhaps don't have the experience to see that some things remain grey rather than black and white, and that there's not always a solution to every problem "if you work at it hard enough".

Some of the things I have concluded are:

1. It's perfectly normal to masturbate, and the younger you are the more you do it. My peak was probably late teens early twenties. However, masturbating several times a day (including to porn) to the point where it interferes with your life (not going to school/work, lacking motivation to do anything else, etc.) IS a problem and that's why most of us are here.

2. Those of us that have been in long-term relationships probably agree there's a beginning phase that's great, with lots of expressions of affection and sex, that in time fades away. This may be why we seek out other people, or porn, - to get some excitement. In the words of BB King, "the thrill is gone baby, it's gone away from me". This doesn't mean we move on, necessarily, but at least recognize that it's a phase of your life in the same way your sexual awakening was, so accept it and work at it, or move on. Being just as in love with someone many years afterwards as at the beginning, well, that's for the romantics, and sorry I'm not one of them.

3. While porn might bring some excitement to couples who watch it together, in general it's a solitary and ultimately destructive pursuit.

4. Very broad generalisation, but if you're in a relationship right now there's only a 50/50 chance at best that this will be the person you'll spend the rest of your life with (e.g. divorce rate in UK is around 50% - and how many ex-relationships would these people have had before marriage?)

So, while this post may come across as somewhat negative, let me assure you I try to be a mostly positive person. I just want to bring some realism to the discussion. From my point of view I have to agree with your conclusion - the thrill does go away over time, and the porn may not be as big a factor - which you seem to suspect. You can only expect people to relate PMO and MO to your issue if you post your question on this forum. But IMO that's not the major issue here with your feelings towards your relationship. I think you need to decide if your gf is someone you want to remain with, and if so, what can you do to improve the relationship, and bring the sexy back? BTW, 3-4 years is not an especially long time, so it may be many years down the line you'll look back on this relationship as one of several - who knows?

Best of luck anyway. Ramondo.

 

Ok thanks for posting this question and to be honest I thought about that already too. When you PMO it is the most exciting thing in the world. New girls fresh, seemingly without experience and thus always a new kick. Coming back to reality that obviously is not the case when you do have a relationship and i can speak for myself in the same way. I have a gf now for more than 3 years and I know to a certain extend what you mean. It is ALWAYS the same girl. You know how it feels you know how she smells, etc.. But the truth is normally it is just some habit that makes it boring. I faced similar thoughts than you did and then examining it more closely I recognised your habits are the point to bring back the excitement and the passion. Think of something romantic, of a new place, a hidden phantasy. Talk about such things and believe me even in a long relationship, where both still love each other the fire will continue to burn more than ever. In my opinion that is 10 times more rewarding than anything else.

 

This is good advice. To answer your initial question @fercant : Has the nofap process affected my sexual attraction to my girlfriend?. The answer is yes. Because you haven't been blowing your load (and therefore your sexual energy) over girls on porn sites, you've got more sexual energy. However having more sexual energy is not the root of the problem. The problem is that you are still used to fantasising when you see an attractive woman. These fantasies may well have taken your sexual away from the direction of your girlfriend.

This is also good advice. However I think you may have misinterpreted Ramondo's initial message.

My point is that you could increase your attraction for your girlfriend if you were to focus your sexual energy on her solely. Therefore eradicating fantasies about other women. This is a tough skill to master and would take quite a few months, but it's really do-able. Assuming you were attracted to her in the first place (including sexual attraction), I think you work around this null period of your relationship.

 

It's like getting a new car, exciting, new. You park 4 miles from the door at the mall so no one can scratch or ding it. You can't believe you got the loan for the car and at first you gladly make your payments. You love the power, newness and freedom the it provides. People applaud your new car. BUT IN TIME what happens? The newness wears off quickly. The scratches start to appear. Accidents and fender benders may occur. If I go to the dealership to 'just look around,' THAT CAR IS HISTORY! Now I want a different car.

But others, keep their appreciation strong for many years for their car. They don't let maintenance problems pile up. They don't go looking at other cars. They give that car the TLC to last. With work, polishing, washing, mending the fenders, touch-up, the appearance may still look pretty good and every hour you spend maintaining the car renews your appreciation. At first, the car was new, looked perfect, ran fast, and was admired. Now, your view has changed: the car is dependable, low-maintenance, inexpensive, and many memories have been enjoyed with the car. The relationship with your car takes a major shift.

I know the analogy is not the best. My point: It takes constant work and appreciation to keep love for your gal strong. Don't go shopping for other women (PMO or wandering eyes) Do some maintenance on the relationship. All the best.

 

Hi Fercant, its called transferance. You spent all that time focusing your sexual energy on virtual women with whom the only connection was unbridled sex without having to worry about their feelings or wants or condoms or birth control or STDs. Now that you have stopped P, your brain is basically flapping around and latching onto real life women. And because women on the street, your gf's friends, your work colleagues are not people you actually have a complex relationship with (compared to your gf), they can take the place of the virtual women in your head. Your gf is different because her needs and wants and desires are very real and have real effects on your life. Your P-trained brain does not want to deal with the associated complications when it is just so much easier to imagine sex with unknown women who won't impose all those tiresome obligations on you.
I know what that problem feels like. Its why I have a fantasy timer on my profile. I managed to kick fantasizing about virtual women and I do not fantasize about random women on the street but I did fantasize about women known to me. Mostly, this took the form of a memory bank of previous experiences that I would visit in order to O. I found it helped to consider what I called the 'then what?' scenario. I have sex with the ex or with my boss, then what? Do I just walk away? What if she decides she wants more than sex? What if I can't satisfy her? What if I want more? What if she tells somebody? How will this affect my life?
When you start thinking along those lines, you start seeing them as real women and realize that the fantasy in your head will not play out or end as cleanly in real life. And why having a partner who appreciates you, wants to experience new things with you and whom you are already physically comfortable with is so wonderful.
Just feedback from my own experience. I don't want to discount other factors which may also play a role such as unfulfilled fantasies or repressed memories that might get in your way. That is for you to decide. Good luck.

 

wow thank you for that reply

 

Ok I'm a dude who has been married for 12 years and was definitely addicted to porn and I had several affairs before entering recovery two years ago. So take that in to consideration while you are reading my response to you.

I want to call out an assumption that I am hearing in your post here. The assumption is that your current trajectory of declining sexual desire towards your gf is going to continue getting lower the longer you are in relationship. That is most likely untrue. Most people who have been in a relationship for a long time will tell you that it's not always like the honeymoon stage. However, What I can tell you from my experience is that it changes over time. There are times when my wife and I have super hot sex and then there are seasons where it calms down for a while.

I didn't know what sex could be like when I was hiding myself from her. Being honest and showing someone your deep dark secrets is very vulnerable and when they accept you as your truly are sex changes for the better. For me I would rather know true intimacy with one person than be in many shallow relationships. I've done both and true intimacy, while harder, is more satisfying in the long run.

Just my two cents I hope it gives you food for thought.

 

I have sex with my wife most days. We are still as attracted to each other now as we were when we started dating. This is a possibility, and it is my reality. A decline in attraction and sexual interest is not inevitable.

One key difference between my situation and yours? I have stopped masturbating completely. When you masturbate to something it becomes porn. Whether it is an image of the weather forecast presenter or something more obviously sexual, if you masturbate to it you are using it as porn.

Because masturbation is not as inherently exciting as sex, the brain wants novelty etc to keep it aroused and entertained. Hence porn. Without porn, other stimulation to enhance the excitement is sought out. The more you M, the more your novelty-seeking behaviours will continue, and the more you will be distracted from your partner.

Quit the MO. Completely. See if your interest in your partner and your attraction to her comes back. It could be that P and sexual fantasy about other women are distorting your feeligs about your partner, or it could be that you just aren't as attracted to her now as you once were. Quitting M entirely should help you to rekindle what feeligs you once knew you had. If they aren't there, then you need to reconsider your relationship. BUT, do not use loss of attraction to your partner as an excuse for MO or PMO. You are better off without those influences in your life, whether you want to remain in your relationship or not.