Hi everyone, When I was watching porn I developed strong fetishes for very rough and degrading porn. This was especially prevalent when I was much younger where I was attracted to sex which degraded women specifically - things including gagging, spanking, slapping etc. Now some of the things that I have watched and (one site I even paid for once just because I had been obsessing about a certain scene which I just felt like I had to find) were just so rough and degrading I can't seem to get over the shame of watching and getting off to them. As far back as I can remember with porn, once I moved on from playboy magazines I was straight into really rough sex and it really disgusts me as to who I am as a person. In most other areas of life I have always been considered a good guy but how can I reconcile this part of my life?? Now the idea of someone being spat at or slapped would make me sick but I aroused myself over that kind of stuff for so so long and what does that make me? I feel like I can't get the images out of my head and when I used to watch porn I think that anaesthetised it but now that I am 82 days clean it all keeps coming back and I just feel shame and feel like a monster. I fuelled the industry by watching it. I created the demand for it. I used to pray to god after every time I did it to forgive me because of the shame I felt but that just seemed to make me more depressed and then I would seek out even more depraved stuff to watch and get off to. I remember times when I didn't even feel like I was enjoying it but I just carried on like a zombie. I used to justify it saying that "Well they're paid to be there so they could just leave" but I know that's not true and for some of the scenes I watched it's clear they found people who badly needed the money so they could abuse them in any way as long as they signed papers. It's crazy how you can feel like you can do things and they wont affect you. Now looking back on it I don't know how I can get over that part of me.. If it wasn't for porn would I have been a rapist? Does anyone else have the same experience or some advice about how to forgive myself? P.S: It wasn't the only type of porn I watched so there was other parts to me. Sometimes I would watch more regular porn or other fetishes. But this rough porn fetish was probably the strongest and something that I feel the most ashamed of. Sorry for the rant
I wish I was at 82 days, so well done on that. I feel ashamed about the stuff i used to watch, but at this early stage in the reboot I think I still have a risk of going back to it. I think the shame is just another phase you have to go through till you forgive yourself. If you think of who you really are and the addicted you as how you chose to behave at a certain time. If you vow never to behave like that again, I think you can forgive yourself.
@NewStart2015h I know your shame. I think a lot of us do. I think part of the cycle of PMO addiction is that you are drawn to more and more obscene and depraved fantasies because you addiction has numbed you to "softer" stuff. We cannot be excused the responsibility. even with addiction there is always a choice and we chose to allow ourselves to be pulled down. There is no escaping that. But personally I don't believe what we have experienced defines the addiction-free versions of ourselves. The fact that you feel the shame I think is good. It is good to be reminded about the wrong we have done, to ourselves and to others. But if it is behind you then punishing yourself now is only going to keep that pain associated with the addiction alive and could eventually end up triggering you. Believe me, the addiction is cunning and it is entirely possible that your addiction is trying to "beat you up", make you feel so bad about yourself by pushing past images into your mind so that eventually you will get depressed and vulnerable to a relapse. You have to stop. Forgiveness doesn't absolve you of your wrong doings. This is something I have never understood about religion which suggests that you can do something bad, but when you are forgiven those bad things go away. That isn't what forgiveness, to me, is all about. Forgiveness is saying "I really understand what I has happened and accept that for a time that was me, but I honestly and genuinely believe I am now a different person. I have learned from my mistakes and I am sorry that I did them and I certainly don't ever want to repeat them. Now I can put that part of my life behind me knowing I will it will always be there but I will do everything I can not to repeat them". Forgiveness doesn't change the past, it is just that point where you accept and move on. Forgive yourself. Let them shame go. Know you are a different person, a person who has learnt from past mistakes. Start your new life. Good luck!
I confess I used to watch a little of the rape/bdsm stuff too. And I agree with the others that you should forgive yourself and realize that people can change. Perhaps you can find a satisfying way to atone or "pay for" the porn you watched by volunteering or donating to charity so you can feel more balanced on your accounts with the world. But we are not defined by our darkest moments nor by our brightest ones. Our identity comes from the intentions and actions of today, the present. Whatever weird fetish you have, it's not a part of you. If you don't like it, it can go away with time and effort. I also think there is room for rough sex within a healthy relationship if your partner enjoys it.
Thank you very much guys. Honestly I felt teary reading all of those replies. They mean so much and thank you so much. It's so amazing that I have a community here that I can actually be honest to and people wont judge me for it. It's crazy. I never used to get flashbacks off it but now I think since I've been so long without it I genuinely feel traumatised. I can see the faces of the women when I close my eyes and just such shame that I used to wank over that. I think that I had anaesthetised myself whilst I was watching porn so I never came to terms with anything I'd watched. Now that all of that is gone I've been having flashbacks of everything I watched from back when I was about 12 and how crazily it kept escalating. Thank you and I think you are right. I have started up a direct debit every month for a charity called Unseen which whelp women who have been trafficked into the UK. I don't believe that forgiveness only comes from giving to charity but I agree with you that our itentions of the the present and today define us and I am committed to changing myself. Perusan thank you for your response. Your quote about forgiveness is very very true and very enlightening. It will always be there and I know that it will always shame me but I can only move on with my life. Some of the stuff I watched was so against all of my value systems and it did drive me into a huge cycle of shame where I felt I was cursed/rotten/evil which in turn only triggered mroe extreme viewings and other activities. Thanks g2stop. I am done with all of that now and I vow I would never behave like that again. I hope that I can slowly start to put this behind me. Right now I think about it all the time but hopefully in a few months I wont think about it as much. Thank you again everyone.
Violence and sex are the two things that release the most dopamine so it makes sense that pornographers put those two together and there are people who need to watch it to get the same 'high'. Violent porn is on the rise every year for this very reason. Feeling shame means you are not a psychopath and that this is simply a byproduct of the need for more dopamine. I agree with the idea of reaching out to charities and even just telling your story to others can help a great deal. You are no longer supporting that industry and that counts for a lot!
