i've seen like so many videos on youtube on self-forgiveness / letting go / moving on. i'm sorry if it seems like i'm wasting your time, but i'm not a troll. i'm genuinely struggling. its been 4 years.
this is what the therapist said a few months ago. "you've done all the research. now all there is left to do is apply." yeah...
well these are the positive things i tell myself: 1) u had a difficult childhood that led to it 2) ur a different person now 3) u had no guidance 4) u've achieved stuff after that incident (did masters, have a job) 5) there's only 1 life
A very relatable post. I have to firstly applaud your bravery and honesty. Whenever I come up on a post like this it makes me feel human. Gives me a warm feeling that I’m not alone. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve let one mistake ruin my life as well.. Keep your head up.
Work on who you are now. What you've done in the past is irrelevant. I have have also done things I regret, although not sexual, they are the polar opposite of who I am now. Build yourself to be mentally. All vices, errors, and wrong doings or things you in general regret you've ever done should not dictate how you feel now and in the future. Empower yourself through hard work and belief in yourself. Porn is a drug, sexual fantasies are nothing but us being addicts and acting out to get a high. Strength brothers.
reading your original post I can related very closely to my past experiences, and mistakes, and I’ve let my own shame cripple me physically into panic and anxiety for months, weeks, at a time, but I do not let those mistakes define me. I still struggle with them, and when I think back on them I refuse to repeat and go back. It takes time to be at peace with mistakes. a friend I talked to told me one time “yesterday doesn’t exist anymore. Things that happened don’t exist. It’s only in your mind, focus on today. Live your life today, what’s going to make you happy, right now? Write it down, and push out the past” on your deathbed you may think of the bad shameful act, but is that what people are going to remember you for?
yeah.. i just want to reach a stage where i dont think of them at all. i've started going for morning jogs. tbh i dont want to be remembered at all. i hope everyone i ever knew has forgotten about me.
You can't beat water flat, as the Zen saying goes. You might have to adopt/settle for an attitude of allowing, rather than trying to use force. It's less satisfying, but the reality is that your past is your past, and acceptance means you can start to have moments where it doesn't define or even bother you. Start trying to let moments of self-forgetfulness take over, and water them like a plant. The paradox with trying to forcefully forget a memory is that you have to recall it in order to dismiss it. Becoming neutral towards it feels passive, but when you're dealing with subconscious things, action and passivity are inverted. Changing your environment can help, and changing your relationships with anyone who knows you as gay or with whom you've had same-sex sexual contact is also important. Cut out anyone who can't accept that you're not a gay man, and stay away from places and things that trigger memories. That's m' 2 cents. Wish I had fiddy, then I'd be a famous rapper.
You might be judging yourself too harshly, or even embarrassed about the fact that even happened, knowing you are a straight guy. In our society, people see it as that is just something a straight guy wouldn't ever do. And you might see yourself as less of a male because of that? I let a transgendered person suck my dick before. I let a gay guy stroke my dick before. And at the time, I was really embarrassed about letting people know that it happened. Especially with the gay guy stroking my dick, but the truth was I was more mad at myself for not being able to push him off right away. I just had poor boundary skills. And the transgendered person situation, it was just the simple fear of being judged by society. I actually liked it at that time, but probably won't ever let that happen again lololol. You gotta learn how to re-write the stories and beliefs about your past in your head. The past can't be changed but the beliefs/stories around it can.
Like others have said this experience is in the past and sadly we can't go back only forward in life, we all have regrets but one of them isn't being here, being here is positive and it means you want to change It may be worth exploring in therapy WHAT drove you to act out with another man, could it have been the porn? Escalation?
same sex encounters as a child. identity issues. immense porn viewing led to escalation. i try to. i've had so many conversations with myself that 'let it go. we wont think of it from now on. let it go. forgive yourself. its over. its in the past.' but 5 mins later the regret returns.
@recoome I am so sorry you have going through these difficult feelings. I too have done things which are unforgettable(some similar to yours) but they also say times heals all wounds. Inside their must be something inside that is preventing you from overcoming this. Like PMO I am sure this can be overcome. Feel free to talk if it will help.
If you look back, was it something you enjoyed? Or are you completely disgusted? If you were completely disgusted, did you feel like he violated you?
This. Little violation. More like how could I be so stupid. i thought the experience would be euphoric like they show in porn movies.
So before it happened, there was some level of curiosity. Turns out you were in fact not gay. Half way you had thoughts about stopping the session, but you continued anyway, and felt violated. Am I correct? Feel free to msg me if you think this conversation can get detailed and you don't want people to know the specifics.
Oh I did it, for multiple times and I had to smoke weed to numb myself, I hated myself for it, it was multiple sissy acts with men and multiple femdom acts with women, both actually killed me and they were multiple acts because I 'had to be sure' I forgive myself and I move on now and it is getting better, believe me you have to let it go it can't haunt you...just STOP masterbating and fantasizing, maybe go monk mode but it is defenitly reversible don't be ashamed brother, we have all been there and it's fine you can get back shame will only feed the cycle, please break it, please free yourself from the guilt and cut the feedback loop