Hello!!

Hello!! I would like to embark on the wonderful adventures that I can have without the use of porn, because with porn, things weren't so wonderful. These are the events that I can remember about my experience with porn. (Sorry for making this introduction so long!)

I have been exposed to sexual content at a very young age; I think it was when I was around 4 or 5 years old. My oldest brother wanted to teach me about sex, so he made me practice on the couch cushions. I didn't really know what sex was, so I decided to go to the computer and type "www.sex.com," and that was when I was exposed to porn, and also hentai. I pronounced "hentai" as he-in-ta. I liked to look at the images, and I would feel weird, but I didn't know why or didn't care why.

I was (and still am) a shy and timid person, so my oldest brother would want me to go outside with him. I hung out with my brother in the neighborhood for sometime, but at some point, I realized that what he and his friends were trying to teach me (how to smoke cigarettes, have sex with girls, break windows) were bad, and I didn't want to hang out with them anyone. At that point of age 10 or 11, I stayed inside, played video games, and looked at even more porn. I had also discovered even more content, specifically Rule 34 images. A certain website had images of Princess Peach, and I was enthralled! That led to even more Rule 34 images and the Rule 34 website. I had a large collection of those images, until one day, the computer with my collection wouldn't boot up, and my dad gave my oldest brother the computer (he had moved out somewhere, I didn't know where). My dad got a new computer right after that though.

Around the time I was in middle school (age 12-14), I started doing some weird stuff, like acting out some things I saw in porn videos (not with anyone else, I still am a virgin). After thinking about those actions, I felt pretty bad about myself, but I didn't want to live without porn. I JUST COULDN'T see how I could live WITHOUT PORN! I was very concerned and confused about my morality and logic (fapping to porn but not wanting to have sex?), but I didn't want to tell anyone about it. Although I would joke about it with my friends at school, I didn't want to say that it was a problem or that it was bad because it would be joked about. Speaking of friends, I didn't have that many female friends firstly because I was uncomfortable with girls, but now it's even worse because I didn't feel like I deserved female friends because I was objectifying them with porn. I would also have crushes on girls, but it would be because I liked how they looked, rather than liking their personalities.

Later on in high school (age 15-18), I actually asked a friend of mine if it was okay to masturbate. I was really conflicted with myself about this. He said that it was okay, which was an excuse to keep fapping to porn. Also, I saw a show on Dr. Oz that said the quantity of sex a man has extends their livelihood ~something like that, which was another excuse to keep fapping to porn. I wasn't as focused on classes then and I would not finish some of my homework to look up porn at night. I soon got into some deep stuff. I started looking straight and gay furries, straight and gay pokephilia, shotacon, lolicon, ladyboys, and crossdressers. I thought to myself, "I must be bisexual!" I didn't think that it was because my brain was getting over stimulated from excessive porn, but looking back at the older stuff I saw when I was a child, they didn't excite or shock me as much. I think I also developed a paizuri fetish at that time.

In my first year of college (age 19), I was still looking at the same genres of porn, and I met this girl in a class. She was nice and pretty, but something was special about this girl. I didn't want to have sex with her, but I just wanted to hug and kiss her, be able to express my appreciation of her, show amorous feelings to her. I was still fapping to porn, but then I thought about it, "If I want to be with this girl, I need to stop fapping to porn." I just couldn't say anything to her without feeling uncomfortable because, "I don't deserve her," or, "I shouldn't disgrace her beauty with my presence," and I never got to say anything to her in person about my feelings. After the classes were over, I was worrying about her safety, which made me very depressed (and yes, I know this is pathetic!) I tried to stop fapping to porn during winter break, and was unsuccessful multiple times. I finally gained the courage to email her in February. I lasted for a week in February until I relapsed the day that she emailed and told me that she already had a boyfriend and was sorry that she was unpurposely "leading me on." I felt crushed. I was in shambles. (Although I wasn't mad at her, I was just sad and mad at myself.) I was so close to crying in a long time and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I emailed her again in hopes that we could still be friends, but she didn't respond. I emailed her a month later because I couldn't sleep at night. It had taken me almost a year to get over the fact that we wouldn't be together.

The next year, I felt like I was just fapping to porn because it was something that was routine, like brushing my teeth. I felt really uncomfortable physically and emotionally while fapping, and I had realized that it was because of the porn. I felt that I really needed to stop, so I looked for some resources to help me, and I think that the first resource I found was CureTheCraving.com by Tony Litster. I was hopeful that his resources would help, but I wasn't motivated enough to push myself. Another site I found was YourBrainOnPorn.com, which is a treasure trove of information, links, and testimonials about porn and its negative effects. Even with this information to read about, I still have not accomplished a good streak, which I would consider to be 1-2 weeks. Another good website is FightTheNewDrug.org, which was another good resource for the effects of porn.

I have tried for awhile to stop fapping, but have failed multiple times. I think that with community support, I will do better, and with this day, I start my wonderful adventure!

 

Thanks guys. I have never really done talking on forums in a while because of the social anxiety that I have. I know that's weird, being concerned about what other people over the internet think about you. I couldn't even talk on the phone with my academic adviser because of my social anxiety. I felt that he would be mad at me for some reason.(?) I was in a bad mood when classes started because I didn't have any classes. I was mad with everything. Then, later in the day, I finally called him, and we scheduled a meeting the next day. After that, I just felt pretty good.

Anyway, I hope that getting porn out of my life helps me do better! Thanks for the support!