My condition is probably one of the worst for a 17 year old. Porn problem.

Battlinginsomnia · May 25, 2015

Hi i would like to introduce myself here. My name is Brian, and I live in Australia. Let me tell you my story of how crappy my life has changed in the past year because of violent pornography and other various fucked up stuff i've viewed on the internet.

It's been a little more than a year now, and my health has severely deteriorated. Firstly I have been watching violent pornography ever since I was 13 years old, and everything was fine until I began viewing more messed up porn that really went into the fucked up category. Then in 2014, around May or so, I developed really bad insomnia that drove me to the verge of suicide, and left me looking like a mess. Basically I was considered pretty good looking until my sleep problems started. Now I look like a shell of my former self. I was considered by people to be a gentle, kind loving person, who would harm a fly. Yet deep inside lay a darker side of me, a secret sadist who watched rape and abuse hentai. At first I thought it was fine, but as soon I began feeling sorry for the characters in the hentai, even though they weren't real.

At first I didn't realize that this porn and then masturbating to it was creating my insomnia, and I think the point when my insomnia began was a day I still remember. One night in may, the night my problems began I was fantasizing bondage about a girl I was going to meet and watch a movie with the next day, and was going to have a good night's sleep to feel refreshed the next day. However I felt a weird feeling in my head, and then the next thing I realized, I could fall asleep. "Weird, OMG, Why?" I didn't really have any trouble falling asleep in the past before, and suddenly this happens. I dismissed it as just a bad night. After meeting the girl the next day, and arriving home after feeling rejection cause the movie didn't go that well. It was awkward... Anyways I went to bed that night and expected to instantly fall asleep. I was so wrong. It was another bad night that night, and for the next few weeks was probably the worst days of my life, with so little sleep. My body heated up, my insides hurt, my brain stung, skin dried up so bad. The list goes on.

I went to the doctors to seek help and still didn't realized that porn was making it even worse. I was put on sleep vitamins, and it helped a little. Finally after weeks of torturous insomnia, I finally had a good nights sleep, I was exhausted. Then came a period of about a few weeks of good sleep, and I began returning to normal, and I thought the insomnia was gone. But eventually it came back and it was an on and off thing for about 8 months. Then at the start of 2015 was when it really turned extremely bad. The insomnia at this point was so savage I wanted to just die, commit suicide. Yes, I mean it. I also developed Erectile Dysfunction and anxiety. For a 16 year old at the time, this was scary, as I was scared I couldn't have children. I began to realize at this point that porn was the culprit and discovered that on the nights that I masturbated to the pornography I would have trouble sleeping for a few nights.

I decided enough was enough and sought help. I asked my parent to take me to see the doctor again and he sent me to the psychologist and psychiatrist, and they both diagnosed me with porn induced ED. I was to immediately stop watching pornography and go on a hard mode reboot. And that was what I did.

Now 4 months into my reboot my mind feels much more clear, and my sleep has improved a little, but it's still not good. I wake up multiple times a night and still have insomnia, but not as severe as before. My erectile dysfunction hasn't improved. My scalp itches and hair seems like it's falling out, my testicles contract often and Im severely anxious about my future. My blood test show nothing wrong with me. Though I highly doubt it.

I HAVEN'T HAD AN ERECTION FOR SOOOO LONG. Like 1 month. My penis looks like it's deprived of blood and it is shrinking, im not joking or overreacting. It's true. Im scared. This is possibly one of the worst conditions on this website.

If any of you have suffered similar problems as me. Then please, I beg of you, PLEASE, message me and tell me how you are going with it. If even better, Have you recovered from it?

Peace out from Brian, a very anxious and depressed teenager.

MyNameIsX · May 25, 2015

How much exercise do you get?

Is there much sugar or caffeine in your diet?

Could you be allergic to anything? That can cause itching and stinging. Might be your soap or bedding?

Doctors are usually well meaning people, but are also usually massively overworked. As such they can have a tendency to brush aside problems that aren't immediately obvious, often out of necessity since they don't have the time or energy to look into it. Keep going back and putting pressure on them until you get a solution you're happy with. This is your health and its important.

immanuel.iitd · May 25, 2015

good you started early

cae · May 26, 2015

Hey Brian,

thanks for talking to openly. I can relate to your problem. The P that I used to watch was similarly fucked up. And I also started young. Luckily, at your age I was not yet so deep into it, because I fought it according to my Christian upbringing, but it was strong and became worse later.

A "gentle, kind loving person, who would harm a fly" is probably a description that would apply to me too. It is weird, how we loose the sense of how fucked up the P is, when we're watching it. When I finally came to that realization, it hit me like a truck. It was like the wake-up scene in The Matrix. I had severe anxiety, insomnia and more because of it, similar to what you have experienced, leading even to suicidal thoughts too. It was not before then that I finally decided to talk to someone about my problem.

It is true, the thought of having M to such fucked up stuff, even you would never do any of that for real, is scary. Gave me some sleepless nights too. Strive to build a strong personality now, assure yourself through what you do every day that that was not really YOU. When M to P our conscious mind is almost completely turned off, we're on autopilot, our reptile mind craving for ever more intense stimuli. It's not before we're done that we feel bad about it. Find thoughts that comfort and reassure you. E.g., that there are many others like you, that have fallen into this trap, but take actions to get out of it, because they're actually good people. You WILL feel better again.

Your physical symptoms seem a little too severe to me to be caused solely by PMO. However, one can't be sure before you've gone without it for a while. You should keep seeing a doc probably.

All the best, Cae

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My condition is probably one of the worst for a 17 year old. Porn problem.

Battlinginsomnia Fapstronaut

MyNameIsX Fapstronaut

immanuel.iitd Fapstronaut

cae Fapstronaut