So I have been having a very difficult time getting over my past addiction to porn. I escalated into gay porn many years ago, and even though I am way past that, it still gives me anxiety and distress till this day. It all started when I began to PMO when I was 8-9 years old. It started with naked pictures of girls, to YouTube videos of girls stripping and lesbian kissing, then moved on to lesbian porn for a while, then straight porn, then straight porn got boring and somehow I would occasionally imagine myself being the girl instead of the guy, then somehow started to watch gay porn occasionally. This was in the span from age 8-9 to about 14, and at 14 I realized there was something wrong since my attraction to reality was gone, and artificial stimulation was what I needed. After spending a year of many NoFap attempts, achieving decent and consistent streaks, and also never binging, the disgust for anything gay related came, the attraction to girls came back, and it didn’t take long through that year for anything that was gay related to become repulsive. I have looked at gay porn multiple times after beating my addiction and can’t watch it for more then 10 seconds without wanting to throw my phone across the room in disgust, and also I feel absolutely ZERO arousal to it. Can’t fantasize about guy and thinking about gay sex does not give me any arousal, and I am always disgusted. Girls on the other hand, are the opposite. I love to PMO to girls, I can easily fantasize about girls, I catch feelings for girls, etc etc. At the age of 5-6, I knew I liked girls. I have had a crush on prolly around 20 different girls. Had fantasies about girls and have been turned on my girls in real life. When I get with girls I get so hard and love it. I have never had feelings for a guy, and also never been sexually attracted to a men in real life. I have seen many naked men in my life, and never once was attracted. I understand how porn escalation works, and looking back, every time I use to fap to something extreme like rape, fat girls, or gay porn, I used to get this huge dopamine rush and after I climax I feel so disgusted and confused. I have pretty bad HOCD over the fact that this occurred in my life. I am 18 now and I haven’t been aroused by gay porn in almost 3 years, ever since I began NoFap. I keep feeling as if porn escalation is just a myth and that I’m just a bisexual in denial. I don’t feel a draw to men like I do women, I never have in my entire life. When I see hot girls I wish I could bang them, especially chicks with thick booties. Like the rest of my life, when it came to real life, never felt this way about a man. What do I do? How do I accept it? Can I be sure that porn escalation is real?
You don't sound weird or strange to me. I don't think anyone is absolutely set in stone about their sexuality, especially nowadays. If you are in denial about something, well, I think every person on this planet is in denial about a few things! Are you in denial about being gay or bi? Who knows? I have a feeling you are anxious about this stuff because you haven't had the chance to discuss it with someone you can trust. Would that be right? Just guessing. As for the porn escalation, I don't buy some of the myths about it. With so many possibilities available as quickly as you can type them in, is it any wonder that you sometimes went on to things that troubled you? Anyway, all that to say you don't seem weird to me, but maybe journalling or talking with a therapist would be great, but that's a personal decision.
Well, u answered your question yourself, u get hard by girls only, get disgusted by gay thoughts, never had feelings for guys, its just hocd. I have been suffering from this since august 2019 and yeah it sucks.But its not denial, denial would be something like " You only watch gay porn, get hard only by dudes, have feelings for dudes and want to marry one, but still tell other that u are straight" . If u were gay, u would know it.
