Guys, please help me figure out how to keep my son from ending up here....

I don't know why but the title of this thread really makes me feel sad about myself.

 

There is so much great advice on this thread that I have hardly anything to add. However, I just want to say that if your son does end up PMOing, its not the end of the world. Talk to him about it. Compare the ways he felt before he did that and after. Sure it feels great, but then there is the guilt, and the shame, and having to hide a part of your life from the people you love. But don't preach at him. Just ask questions. He needs to come to his own conclusion that PMO is bad. Simply hearing it from you won't help much except shame him more. Try to avoid that. He needs to make his own decision to avoid PMO.

 

A tough situation,

I can't give you any absolute advice, I don't know your situation. But if I were talking to my parents when I was younger I would have told them this.

My 2 cents are this..... Don't shelter him and shame him for wanting to explore this part of life and his psyche. That will make it worse. It did for me. Have a non-judgmental conversation about this. Sex is OK. It's OK to have questions and fears and desires. You don't have to say NO until marriage.

At the same time don't condone this behavior. Porn is a problem. Masturbation is OK but everything in moderation. Smoking can ruin your athletic capacity and lungs, alcohol can ruin your liver, drungs can kill your brain, and Porn can ruin your penis. This shouldn't be a scare tactic, but just honest truth.

You also need to talk to your son about his personal life. Someday he may be going through changes and need someone to talk to. If you are the absolute authority, he will respect you but he won't feel comfortable talking to you. You need to strike a balance between authority and friend.

Be kind, life is rough, and just because you engage in a behavior that is harmful doesn't mean that you are a bad person. We all have some kind of addiction food, drugs, sex, porn, love, religion, etc. Many things can become an addiction.

Set a good example for your kid. That's the most important thing. Model good relationships. Be open with him and allow him to be open with you. Realize that if he does use porn, it's not the end of the world. He won't die from using it. He won't be homeless because he looks at it. He won't necessarily become addicted. He may not look every day. Many of the people here are or were very unbalanced at some time in their lives for a multitude of reasons. Try to help him build a good life and help him become the best that he can. We all have things to struggle through, and this is not nearly as bad as some other things in life. I mean a person could be abused, in a gang, ignored, bullied or any other sorts of things. Do your best. You're not responsible for every challenge he may have to face in his life. We all have to do challenges on our own sometimes. Here at NoFap we have the challenge of PMO and it is good for our soul to embark on this journey and to grow because of it. Not every bad thing is bad forever.

 

Really tough situation.

I don't have a family of my own .I don`t know much about life.I`m only 17 .I'm not sure if right to say this but I will anyway.

I don't think you can protect him from Pmo . It's a cruel world.He will find it no matter how much you try and protect him.They will be that one guy that shows him porn . Then he'll become curious and search about it.

The best step I believe is to "Arm him" before he goes into battle.
The talk about sex masturbation puberty all that would be wise as a former Fapstronount mentioned.
Show him This site. Make sure he knows that he has people he can turn too. Like you sir.

Like mumchance said pmo isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. They are far more worse things to be addicted to.
I believe that this is a struggle he has to go through. What we all have to go through. "Struggles are required in life in order to succeed. Because in order to stand up you have to know what it feels like to fall down"

Pmo does do horrible things to you and leaves you drained and empty.Like life itself was harvested from you. But my friend taking life back into the palm of your hand is hands down the greatest feeling ever.
its life.

About the extra curriculum activities. ..Tread very VERY carefully here. Make sure you listen to what your son wants do.You can suggest but don't be too inquisitive or pushy about it . Make sure that he is doing something he loves because if he's not like I was...He would hate his life and that would Highlight the path Extra bold with Bright Neon lights to the world of pornography, drugs and Self loathing.

Say for example if he likes juggling stuff and kicking stuff around-Introduce him to football
If he likes throwing objects around-Baseball.
If he likes reading books-Maybe chess would do him well.

So just be observant and try to prepare him for whats coming. He`s going to face lone of life`s struggles.

 

ull tend to notice most us porn addicts who are veterans didn't have much relationship and experience to begin with. hence using porn for release.

the Key is social development, and finding partners while young.

 

It's important for there to be an open dialogue concerning this topic. Some form of blocking is good and needed. But helping them to understand why you're blocking is also important. I have a 2 year old son, and I'm realizing that he is going to be exposed to this earlier than I ever was. It's going to happen.

With my parents, there was very little openness or intentionality about the topic. There were steps to block it, but ever any explanation. I never felt that I could really talk about it very openly without a lot of shame and guilt being present. With my son, I want him to understand the dangers...but also understand that this happens. I want him to feel like he can talk to me about it. I want to relate my own struggles to an extent. The further kids are pushed into shame and isolation, the worse it gets. So as many have said, a balance of open and honest dialogue along with some protection is good. Just don't try censor to a fault. It will make them fearful to mess up, and it will make them never want to tell you (which isn't good).

 

There is a lot of great advice here and some good specific things to do with/for your son. I think it is important to remember that the excessive use of PMO is addiction and the antidote to addiction is not sobriety, but relationships. If you are not familiar with it, I suggest learning about attachment theory - I have found a lot of answers through reading about how important it is for us as children to be accepted for who we are and to have ourselves mirrored back to us through our parents. I think some of us are experiencing that acceptance and mirroring here through this forum for the first time.

Also, to reflect what many have already said, you are taking a huge first step by being intentional about this with him from an early age! That's awesome!

 

I find it quite interesting that most people suggest some form of physical protection from porn on such a forum.

From my own experience of NoFap, there is no such thing as external condition to fapping. It is always linked with either (or all of those) self-pity, lack of discipline and self-control, lack of willpower, addiction to ease off other problems, lack of partners, etc. Fapping problems are never only because of accidental porn watching : they have deeper roots.

If your children develop better willpower and discipline and understand how porn can mess with them, they will not become addict, with or without protection.

But if they don't about their social and mental aptitude, with or without protection they will become addict.

Spirit over matter is of the utmost importance here.

 

Hats off!!! Seriously man, you rock!!!

 

There has been a lot said on this. Some I agree with and some I don't. I think one thing I want to point out is the definition of shelter. It means something that protects or covers, or the state of being protected or covered. I wouldn't be viewed as a good and open-minded parent if I lived above the Arctic circle and provided no shelter for my children from the cold. I would rather provide a safe home from the cold, give them warm clothes that protect them from the elements and let them out when need be to see the reasons why I gave them the warm clothes and insisted they keep the windows shut in winter. Humanity's ability to shelter important things or make shelters is one of our greatest skills. It shouldn't be derided or cast away. Consciously choosing to not shelter your kids from harm is not good parenting.

I want to shelter my kids from the harm of P. But to shelter them, they must be protected which means I can't have them ignorant of the danger. And maybe more importantly, I have to let them know where to turn when they have been exposed so that it doesn't become worse. They have got to hear about sex and P from me and my wife before they start watching it online. If you feel like having a filter on your electronic devices shows a lack of trust in your children, by all means don't do it. But I wouldn't say a guardrail on the side of a highway is insulting to my driving ability. I use filters on all my computers...even (and especially the ones) at work. And I will tell my kids about my filters when they become aware of our filters at home. I have had a few sex talks with my 7 yr old. It is uncomfortable, but I know that I would have benefited if my parents had been more open about it.

I don't think forcing your kids into sports or hobbies is going to work. I did multiple sports, was a book worm, a boy scout, and did various other activities and still found ample opportunity to plant the seeds of addiction. I think for me the biggest problem was the feeling that I couldn't talk about it with anybody. The isolation bred further ensnarement in the PMO cycle.

Lastly, I make it a habit to celebrate my kids' quarter birthdays. We choose something fun to do 'just me and dad'. They look forward to it. But I also make it a point on our activities to ask them about things like friend issues at school, P, honesty, and other stuff I care about.

In summary, a good parent will seek to shelter their child from harm by educating them, protecting them and establishing healthy lines of communication. And one of the hardest things for me to accept as a parent is the fact that my kids are their own people. They will make mistakes, and I can't control them. But I can be there to help, lift up, and guide when they seek it.

 

Amazing story! You are such a great dad

 

Thanks for the encouragement. One of the activities on our weekend away was to fill a water balloon with water. Then take a very sharp needle and make small holes in the balloon allowing water to seep out. The idea being each poke of the balloon was a poor decision and each escape of water was innocence lost. And you can never put it back. Once it's gone.... it gone for good.

The message was great but as it ended we just ripped the balloon open and both got soaking wet. It was a great moment.

Thanks again.

 

TTTM more boys need these types of connections to their dads or even other masculine men in their lives. Well done! I am totally going to use that balloon trick to describe bad decisions and innocence lost with my daughters. Thank you

 

@Jbird22 "K9 Webprotection" use it on all internetcompatible devices, it´s free and really useful.
Also, be open to you son. Once he is 10-12, depending on how mature he is, tell him all the troubles and problems it creates, be open to him. Tell him it may feel good but it would destroy him.