Splitting this into two posts.. Continued below: Hey.. this is an odd subject and i only talked about it twice so far in my life, i am making this post after reading this post, i post below the story and later on my reflections how this effected our family and my parents intimate relationship: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/30pwlu/actual_poem_from_the_wife_of_a_porn_addicted/ I need help because this still effects my family, my parents live together but there is very little intimacy between them.. My brother and sister don't talk to my dad after too many fall outs.. story:
my reflections of our early life and later life (after moving out of our parents house): has anyone else went through this as a child? has it effected you later on as a teen/adult?.. i thought i'll share this (i know no one will read/care/post) but eh.. I came to many realizations and like 'enlightenment' during meditation.. its so powerful, i began inquiring where my triggers come from - their traces are really my fault for losing self-control and not realizing the consequences but were deeply effected by being exposed to porn at an early age without adult supervision or parental support/explanation/guidance... digging deep down i learned that its all connected, the lack of intimacy - the distanced relationship between my parents (whom live under the same roof and do daily activities around each other but not together ) during our early years as a family, the ED and the viagra my dad took.. i can't even begin to imagine how he felt and how my mother felt when he couldn't get it up for her.. But he could for his porn... I don't know where to go from here, should i let this all be gone and just integrate the memories as to somethings that i am aware of but don't effect my mindset or spiritual self?.
Just thought i'll also note that i have never had a girlfriend in my life, still a virgin, i never desired women or being in a relationship always thought i am too awkward to be with someone while under PMO.. but since starting NoFap & quitting gaming i realized that i firs must work on myself.. To become a man, to reconnect with my emotions and the world around me.. to be the best supportive person i can be for a potential partner and able to provide for a family that i want to start.. My interests aren't 'needing a girlfriend' i want to start a family.. A wife but not just get wed to any random woman that's arranged to me through our family or through the tens of other families that offered me brides over the years.. I want to meet someone on my own.. That's something i want to start focusing on soon. i am also proud in the fact i am a virgin and i am not scared of sharing that information with close friends, i am saving my self for marriage, not going to waste my sexual energy on some meaningless act of mutual masturbation and i damn sure know that the sexual education i received has nothing to do with reality. My biological body already knows everything - we've been breeding since the dawn of time (i know there was always artistic depiction of nudity and what can be labeled as pornography since at least the late upper paleolithic period, certainly in the Pre-pottery neolithic period.. U get the point we don't need porn, our bodies are formed/designed *whatever u wanna call it* to know how to re-produce and not just that but how to form meaningful emotional intimate interactions). My brother is the complete opposite, he's been having and not having and having then not having girlfriends since his teens.. All always end up breaking up with him calling him crazy, it has something to do with his porn addiction and he denies it... I've told him about NoFap and he doesn't really try it.. Thats my ideal state, of course i could die in some way or another tomorrow which is why i also think - why wait???
I experienced something similar. I found my Dad's VHS tapes in his bedroom. I would sneak-in every time I could to grab a tape and view a few scenes. That was done fast. I would hope my parents to leave longer for me to be able to watch more. I also knew that mom and Dad were sometimes watching the vids in the living room at night (thinking I was sleeping). I even found a stash of toys hidden somewhere in the basement. My dad was probably an addict. Maybe my mom enjoyed or just followed to keep the old man happy. They divorced when I was 18 yo. When I got a job at 16 yo, I bough a TV set and a VCR. That was when the internet was in it's early phases. I started to bike to the closest video store to rent VHS tapes in the adult section and copy them, to form my own stash. I kinda reproduced the old man's scheme. When the DVDs became popular, I bought a few and tried to get the wife to watch them with me, stuff that she didn't like doing. Her previous BF was asking her to do it before sex to get aroused. She refused to reproduce that scheme again with me. I think this is a common issue. Then the high-speed internet came up and the content started to flourish, catering to every fantasies we could think of....I spend A LOT of hours PMO'ing thoughout the years. My porn addiction exists for over 25 years....now I'm looking at getting rid of the bad habits...
