I can't do this anymore It's not the PA's addiction. In fact, that is rarely an issue these days. It's the damage it has done to my soul. The light it has stolen from my eyes. The love for myself it spent so long taking from me. I'm depleted entirely. For months now I've planned on ending my life. I lost my job because the depression is so deep and dark I can't even function anymore. I hardly see my 9 year old son anymore because I just can't "live". I just want to disappear. I need to sleep. I have nothing left of myself to give anyone and yet still everyone and everything is demanding my attention. I can't do this anymore. I'm too broke to see a real psychiatrist and the ones they send you too on a sliding scale are merely nurses who aren't licensed in psychology. I've been on 20+ meds in 18 months. I've worked through every medication in every class, and now they're just starting over to work through them again. None of it works. Nothing works. I've been running on full speed for 25 years with no breaks, no vacations, no time off work. I think it all finally caught up with me. But I didn't have a choice, I had to pay the bills and put food on the table. At this point I'm an empty shell. The PA SO stole what little I had left, unraveled that thread that was barely keeping me together. The PA really has no idea how much damage they are doing to their partner. No idea. You see her angry or crying on the outside and you assume you know. Assume you understand how deeply she is hurting. You don't. Not the slightest idea what goes on in her mind, how she can literally FEEL her heart breaking in her chest every single day. I just hope someone out there who sees this will get it. I'm a stranger here but in reality I'm your SO. I'm your wife, your gf, your partner, when the house is quiet and still and you're fast asleep. You've probably apologized a thousand times. You may have even meant it. Do it again. Apologize in the way you touch her and kiss her. Apologize in the way you look at her from across the room. Don't let her be me. There is so much more going on in our lives aside from your addiction. We struggle day after day to hold ourselves together, to distribute our focus and to find peace. Be gentle, you don't know how close someone is to completely breaking until it's too late.
Hi, Katrina, I have not the adequate knowledge to try to guide you during this dark time in your life. But I wanted to tell you that although you are depressed you should never consider ending up your life, never, especially because you have a son. When a person ends her own life, the friends and family of that person will always feel remorse because they would think they did not do enough to help that person, think about your son, how he will miss you forever. What about your family, your friends, do you have anyone who can help you, who can listen to you? Search for help, keep fighting, I’m pretty sure that besides your son you must have a lot of people that cares about you, go to therapy, there are a lot of resources online that can provide good information for depression. I wish that you change your decision and that your pain decreases so you can find peace and meaning in this life. Carry on, this life is precious, you are a mom you are a friend, you are a daughter, a woman, a human, a worker, a thinker, a fighter, you are many things but above all those things you are life to many many people and this universe. Have a great day!!!!!
You may be overwhelmed by negative thought that cloud your mind but remember there is no better moment to create good memories than now.
May I ask, what is your plan? And as you have been planning suicide for months, why have you held back? What has prevented you from actioning it?
From what I see in face to face recovery groups, it's a slow process. Many become therapists themselves, and also need the support of the community. Realistically community takes time to build, it isn't just show up at a formal meeting and it's a done deal. I hope you get the support you need, both in terms of the healing knowledge and people who can be there for you.
