Day 57. Have had some pretty strong fantasies show up last night, but I was able to let them pass pretty easily. Some good news is they're pretty vanilla kind of sexual thoughts which is nice given some of the troubling deviant stuff I'd fallen into previously. I have noticed this pattern before, that after even just a couple weeks of nofap, the arousal center of my brain tends to reset back to my normal healthy self. But it takes months for it to really kick in and I suspect I've never gone long enough to do a full reset. This kind of makes sense given how long I've been a hardcore addict and how especially in the last few years I really sank into binging on some very toxic materials. I'm thinking in my case I might need 6 mos. to a year to really feel like myself again.
Oops. Relapse after day 11. This challenge is really hard for me but here we go again. I will try to go stronger this time. Day 0/365
I've been off site for a while and am starting over. I don't know what g gets into me at times. I'll be doing good and starting to feel good about myself and about life and then I go back into the cesspool. Maybe deep down I don't believe I'm worthy of feeling good and having a good life I'm trying to work thru all this crap and I believe I'm making at least some progress since the up times are lasting longer and the down times aren't as deep nor lasting as long. So I just left the starting gate ------again. Good night.
The Eighteenth I was so close to slipping last night but once again I pulled through. While on YouTube, a recommended video of some woman doing squats with revealing gym wear came up. I clicked on it. Twenty seconds later my hand automatically went down my pants. That is when I came to my senses. I was like what just happened. I put off the net, my phone and laptop. Then I went to bed without flinching. That was a great escape. YouTube has too many triggers for my liking. A hiatus from it is in order