420+ days and then I relapsed... this is the second reboot.

Controversial response coming.. read at own risk. I’m hesitant to say this but my first ever streak was 284 days. I started seeing results 4-5 months in. By 8-10 months I saw huge improvements then I relapsed. Went into a short flatline but started seeing the same benefits quickly. Then over the course of 6 months I had 3 or 4 relapses of varying degrees probably 2 bad ones consecutive days and two minor ones a month or two apart. I then went on a 195 day streak and saw almost none of the progress return and had a relapse and then now on my 140 day current streak also saw almost none of that original progress return. That’s maybe 10 or so relapses over 2 1/2 years and I’m still not seeing much progress even though my first streak was filled with positive signs. I’ve heard about kindling where each relapse after recovering strengthens those pathways stronger than before and prolongs the recovery every time. Other rebooters here have reported this and are on streaks of a year or two and are seeing minimal progress or very delayed progress. I’m not trying to discourage, only trying to tell you not to expect things to go as they did the first time. I wish I knew about this before I relapsed on my first successful streak because I was pretty much recovered. Now that was a year and a half ago and only a handful of relapses has me feeling stuck in reboot purgatory.

 

So, what were some of the huge improvements you got on 8-10 months. I’m five months and in a deep flatline but noire intrusive thoughts about really bad porn so the brain is changing and doing something different...

 

@Hisself

Hi, I looked into the kindling effect. I googled: "kindling effect nofap". I came across this:
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/ajtp4o/warning_dont_keep_relapsing_kindling_can_kill_you/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindling_(sedative–hypnotic_withdrawal)

Although I am glad that I know this information now, I am seriously scared AF right now...

 

I know right.. too bad we didn’t know this from the start. The typical narrative is just that a relapse sets you back but does not erase all progress. Wrong. For some people that might be the case but if you have chronic symptoms like pied it can put you further back than when you started. All those pathways become super sensitive from not being used and they get lit up more than ever during a relapse and carve a deeper rut into your neurocircuitry.

 

Kindling is real and I am kindled to a good extent. I’m healing but it’s slow and it can take a long, long time. 17.5 months away, hoping I’ll be much better at two years off.

 

I can definitely relate to that, and it's always great to be able to feel again. After being emotionally numb for a long time, I'm starting to feel things deep in my gut again due to this reboot, so glad to hear that you're having that experience too!

While I think that P likely has had some effect on your depression and anxiety, I can tell you that part of what contributed to my anxiety and depression was focusing too much on others rather than accepting, loving, and taking care of myself. It may sound like some hippie bullshit, but when it comes right down to it, I used to (and still sometimes do) beat myself up for everything and was so hyper-aware of any setbacks that I never gave myself the space to just be still and enjoy the little things that make life majestic.

As far as the relapse, I feel you bro. I was clean for over 4 years and a divorce sent me to rock bottom, where I found myself living in my car for a bit and threw all of my previously extremely restrictive standards out the window. I started looking at instagram photos and it progressed to regular PMO, which then took months to stop again. I did all of this while attending seminary, so there was definitely a decent amount of guilt for me as well, which just made it harder to confront and stop. In the end, you just have to recognize that it was a mistake and forgive yourself for one of the innumerable mistakes you have made and will make over the course of your life. The good news, as others have pointed out, is that you have had a long streak once, so you have clearly demonstrated that you have a healthy level of discipline. I'm glad to hear that you're hitting the gym again, it truly is a must for mental well-being and has helped me over the past few months more than I ever realized it could. Your sense of value and confidence must come from within you rather than from external approval, so keep up with the self improvement and don't forget to take note of your achievements and tell yourself that you're proud of who you are and what you're achieving.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to stay active and become more socially active if possible. It has helped me to start to develop more of a sense of community, and I think that having a support system and people around you who like you and care about you is an important part of recovery. Keep up the good fight man, I'm rooting for you.