New to Forum; Not new to NoFap

Two days ago, I relapsed and got a blowjob from a girl that I should not have done anything with.

Prior to that, I had been free of PMO for about 10 days. I was in the midst of a flatline, and it really freaked me out.

I would literally just twirl my dick to make sure I could still get an erection because it was dead as a doorknob (around girls, morning/evening wood, not even a pulse of life).

Looking back, this was a really good thing... it wasn't even difficult to avoid PMO.

However, since the relapse two days ago, I jerked off yesterday and today. I still haven't watched any porn, but today I looked at some VERY suggestive videos.

I am making this account to maintain accountability. I will begin abstaining from PMO and upgrading myself too hard mode from this moment onwards. I will journal my urges/struggles as they arise until they begin to subside and I flatline again. Then I will only journal during exceptionally difficult or depressing times.

The idea is that I don't want to make journalling mandatory, which then increases my awareness of avoiding behavior, which then will require more willpower to overcome it.

Cheers!

 

The course of action when I feel urge arise:

1. When urge arise, stop what you’re doing.
2. Change positions immediately
3. Acknowledge urge (don't fight it, acknowledge it but don't succumb to it)
4. Ask for strength from the Lord
5. Go out for a 15-minute walk
6. Meditate on: “I am a Son of God, by His strength all things are possible, I retain all my bodily seed, and I am committed to becoming the best version of myself”
7. I am committed to my higher purpose, not my animal desires. I will become a millionaire by the age of 30. The Lord gives me the power to make wealth, and he adds no sorrow with it.

Other verses I will meditate on:

- Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.
- The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus
-I am filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.
-Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
-My strength is made perfect in weakness
-You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you
-Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin. And yet I say to you even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 

[redacted]

 

Background: There are 4 Books of the Gospel, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

3 of these books are synaptic - Matthew, Mark, Luke (they mostly have accounts of the same events but from different perspectives)

The Gospel of Matthew depicts Jesus as a king

The Gospel of Mark depicts Jesus as a servant

The Gospel of Luke depicts Jesus as a man

The Gospel of John depicts Jesus as the Word made flesh; the living Son of God

In Matthew 5, Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

This is an illustration written to the Pharisees who believed that they could keep all of God's commandments. This does not apply to believers, see "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." - John 3:16-17.

What the above passage from Matthew does tell me is that God does not distinguish the action from the thought.

This can be seen here:

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
-1 Samuel 16:7

I really don't feel any guilt or moral affliction when I sin. The man has sin in his blood because the fall of Adam allowed sin to enter the world, and the devil to have territory in this world. But Jesus overcame the world by dying for all our sins.

I do think that the Lord wants what is best for us. It is a proven statistic that Christian's have the best sex in marriage. I have lost my virginity, but I pray for God to restore the spirit of virginity. I had the belief that oral sex would not be that big of a deal, but I realize now that is the same as out of marriage sex.

It seems like, after the reboot, many of the original characteristics of virginity will be there. Recently, I have been turning down girls because I know the Lord has a beautiful wife for me, and she is a virtuous woman. She will be the greatest blessing I have ever received, among the things He's already done for me. I give thanks to the Lord and I want to honor him and his blessing by waiting faithfully for my wife.

I pray for the Lord's grace to increase mightily in my life, for where sin abounds, grace hyper-abounds:

But where sin increased and abounded, grace (God’s unmerited favor) has surpassed it and increased the more and
superabounded - Romans 5:20

 

Relapsed.

Went to Bounce and then Up n Down with my good friend who’s now a really established NYC nightclub promoter.

Girls grinding on me and slowly brushing past me all night.

And the quality is absurd... some of the best bodies and most beautiful faces whenever I go out.

Couldn’t resist all those mental movies playing through my head today. I relapsed.

Maybe the key to winning at this is limiting my exposure to these situations in the future. Sex and promiscuity is literally in the air at these places.