Broke my NoFAP today - really wish I did not

I broke my NoFap today. It has brought me no joy. I am even more determined to to stop P forever. I am not religious, but there is a little thought in my head that says that the devil is trying to keep me on P. There can be no middle ground for me and I know that. It must me no P. Some P or a little P or give up for a while will never ever work for me.

I have no problem with others wanting P. That is their liberty. Just for me - it leads only to hell.

I am so angry. I have felt so much better recently. I feel like crying. There was no need to use P today. I could have resisted. I thought that I have been so good recently a little P will do me no harm.

For me. As from today. No more P. Not ever. I know that I may sound extremist. I just feel like my soul is hurting. This secret world has taken, more than it has given. I wish that I had never known about P. I am so angry with people who either directly or indirectly provided P access in my childhood.

In my 20s more and more authorities were saying Porn is OK. Porn and masturbation is healthy. It legitimised my P use. With the internet, I became lost. Never-ending...........P. Never-ending.......P use. I have lost through P my essence, my heart, my spirit and want, dreams and desires for a better me and a better world. Damn you Porn!!

P, you have no hold on me. P, I have a desire for a better life. P, you are a bringer of a negative force. I want no part in your world.

Click, click, click.... the never-ending click, click, click. I deserve to respect myself and others. You have no part in my life. No longer will I compromise my values. Justifying my P use. Rationalizing what P means to me. I used you to cope with my problems, my short-comings. my anxieties, my fears and my lust.

Damn, damn, damn you P. NO MORE!!

I do not need or want you P. You are history in my life. You are no friend of mine. Like any crutch, you will damage me. I know that P does not care for me.

 

Thank you Pokerface.

Your quote is very apt. I sincerely repent. I understand the illness and evil caused by my P use. The quote you used helps me in knowing and accepting the way forward.

Perhaps this lesson is to teach me, once and for all that P, no matter what and when is never good. I must summon the courage to stop. I think that as I am rebuilding my relationship with God, I must not hide my sins. In the past I would say, I am a very good person, except for my Porn use - no-one can be perfect. But I knew that in order to get closer to God I needed to stop my Porn use. I never could though. It was like an alcoholics beer or a drug users heron. I would defend Porn and my use of it virulently.

Please God, forgive my transgressions and transform me in your image.

Thank you once again Pokerface. One of the tools that I am using is a 12 step program workbook.

I hope that I can help you one day. The kindest regards.