The struggle is daily. The consequences, real and unprecedented. It's been almost 20 years since my addiction started.. and guess what, I'm only 30. All I can remember from my childhood is the high. I got very good at hiding it. Even my parents have no idea I still use. My dad only caught me twice while I was living at home, and he never really followed up on it. He just scolded me and told me not to do it. My mom never caught me, but she had to have known... right? Surely my dad said something to her. It didn't help that my brother was also using, but it was never at the same time as me, and he liked men anyway not women. So as kids both of us kept using. We kept getting hyperstimulated - going through that cycle of feeling really high then flatlining. That was probably the reason why I never smiled in pictures. I felt super guilty the entire time I used. And felt even worse after I used. Even to this day my parents and siblings ask me why I never smiled in pictures and why I seemed so unhappy. What could I tell them? That I was an incredibly depressed child? That I've been lying to them all these years? What good would that do? It wouldn't change the past. And my parents didnt seem too interested in following up with my porn issue when I was caught. So I just shrug it off and say I dont know. My parents did take me to the dr because I was sleeping a lot. I told them that i was just tired, but I was really just wanting to escape the reality of my life. The dr said that I had mono - a disease which has a symptom that actually makes you tired. So conveniently I didnt have to tell my parents the truth. I didnt want to anyway because I knew I'd get in trouble. But now i had a reason not to. It's hard to pretend to be someone you're not - to be happy and confident and fun to be around while on the inside you are rotting away from the depression you feel after everytime you use. But at a certain point you get used to feeling sad. And it turns into a sort of comfort zone. Because you dont remember what it is like to feel normal - to be a person who doesnt look at porn - to be a carefree child. I became isolated on the inside, never letting anyone know everything about me because I was afraid of the judgement that would come with it. Back in the 90s if you used porn you were labeled as a pervert. But now perversion is so commonplace that being a pervert is almost normal for a lot of people. Even still, I kept it hidden away. A secret shame that would isolate me from everyone else. Somehow sometime later I found a woman who was interested in me. Then I got married, and like some people I too thought it would stop after regular natural intimacy - but it didn't. It goes on and on for years. I don't know how I never got PIED. Even after using it I would still be intimate with my wife the same day, sometimes not even an hour after. I told my wife that I had issues in the past, but I led her to believe that it was in the past not the present. Then she caught me in the act. I begged and pleaded telling her it wouldn't happen again, and she is still with me even to this day. But even still, time went on and it continued and eventually she caught me again. She caught me several times actually, and somehow I convinced her to stay. Bur our intimacy took a hollow turn. Sure we were still intimate but it was more like we were just friends with benefits not husband and wife. One day she said she finally had enough, but I begged again. This time was going to be different. I went to therapy. After going for about a month to my therapist and pouring out my soul with many tears - because I really did want to change - my therapist determined that I didn't really feel guilty about looking at porn. He seemed convinced that I didn't really want to stop and seemed to hint that I should accept myself. I explained that what I really wanted was to only have expressions of love with my wife.. I didn't want artificial self love anymore. He seemed to believe like many do that there is nothing wrong with self love. And so there I was.. being told that basically there was nothing wrong with me.. so... I now felt helpless with no way out. I am paying for a professional to tell me that I should accept myself and my situation. When all I wanted in my heart was to have a happy family. But porn was the wedge that keeps driving us apart. I didn't tell my wife about every detail of my appointments, but i only said that talking seemed to help. She seemed under the impression that things were going to get better and that therapy helped - but it didn't. So i continued looking at porn and hiding it. Because now I knew that if we went back to the way things were she would surely leave. I didnt know how to stop and I had no one to talk to....and for some reason...her leaving just wasnt reason enough for me to stop. I am still not sure what would be reason enough. Years went by since my therapy. It wasn't until about a week ago that I told her the truth about all the lying... about all the hiding.. about all the shame.. about the feelings of helplessness.. about the fear of her leaving.. about all the guilt and depression.. about the loneliness.. and her response is the same. She says she doesnt want to deal with it. Now I fear it really is too late. Maybe she will leave and I will be alone with my porn..with the endless artificial stimulation. After all... I seem to prefer a temporary short high, over the longer lasting contentment I would have if we just had a normal relationship. And so what of my future, will I tear it down with my own hands? I have already damaged the foundation of my marriage because of this, time will tell if it is beyond repair. Will it ever end? I'm not optimistic. If the love of my life isnt enough of a motivator, what is? Will it ever really end?
Welcome here! Thank you for taking the time to share your story. That takes a lot of courage, but it really helps to share. I know all about shame and depression my whole life. Porn wasn't the cause of it all, but it was a coping mechanism that helped temporarily and in the long run only cultivated the shame. You've come to the right place. This community is super supportive and encouraging. We need each other for that. That's why this community is so powerful. I hope you find this place helpful. I wish you all the best on your journey to health. Feel free to message me anytime.
It will end bud. But first you have to be self-accountable. Your motivation should come from within. You are "attached" porn. The attachment feeds your addiction. Your sense of self depends on it. The simplicity of the PMO experience, bereft of uncertainty leads you to continue on with your cycles through the endless loop. You have to break free somehow. You have to say enough is enough and make drastic changes. Stop using you phone. Stop using the internet at night. Stop watching YouTube and listening to sensual music for a while. Slowly but surely, you will be able to wean off the habit. Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing and Good luck!
Indeed I have to break free somehow.... How do people fight against their own brain? How do people form a strong will? A will stronger than that of their own brain chemistry? In my mind that would seem to be like trying to change your own sexuality. And yet, people have overcome porn so it must not be impossible. But then again, not everyone is the same. Not everyone has as strong of a will despite all of the negative repercussions. I have really tried to find that strength of will. But no matter how hard I tried I don't know where to find it. Doesnt a will stem from what a person truly values? I feel like I value nothing anymore. Not even my own life, because most of what I know is despair. Why continue the torture? I have thought of suicide many times but I just don't have it in me. That would be too easy. It seems reasonable that I should receive some sort of consequence for my actions anyway. Death isn't a consequence for me it is a release, its actually a consequence for all those who love the outer shell that I currently am - for the ones I leave behind. And that's not fair to them. None of this is fair. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps my sense of self comes from porn. But that isn't who I want to be. It seems that I am just with two options... either be defined as a porn addict, or be defined as an ex addict. I don't want either of those things. But for someone in the future to truly get to know me that is something they should know right? Because it has been a huge part of my life. I don't want that either. I really don't want to be this guy. But here I am living every day despondent. Reflecting on the abyss that resides in my soul. The emptiness of which I created with my own hands. I am sorry i am so incredibly down. I haven't been able to express feelings like this to anyone. They are just too hard to hear for some people. And others don't have the patience or interest. I appreciate both your thoughts. I wish we could have met under different circumstances. I also hope that maybe being here will help me find the will I have been longing for.
I will see your suicidal thoughts and raise you a challenge. Brother, when it comes to a swimming and sinking in the shit-storm then I am like Beowulf fighting the sea monsters! The non-winning Beowulf though. I even keep the tool I have chosen to complete the deed close to me at all times. However, there are a few assholes on here that keep taking the time to reach out to me via private conversation, and they hold me up from completing the task. All I ask is that someone just finally agree with me and understand the spiritual and physical desert that some of us figuratively live in. All we need is for someone to confirm that this shitty existence isn't worth it and tell us it's OK, that it's fine to let go, that the time to end it is here and appropriate. I believe that time has well passed for me and I'm just prolonging the inevitable. But I keep getting bombarded with hope from these assholes. Little do they know that it's all well and good to keep seeding hope but when the rains never EVER come then it's time to leave the land. The soil of life sometimes has no goodness in it anymore. I would hope that the rational side of said assholes can see my argument, sometimes hope just isn't enough, but they persist in giving support and prolonging this torture called life. Do you know what though, Grief(may I call you that?)? A lot of people on here, like yourself, write so thoughtfully and with such insight that it seems it almost that it would be a shame for the world to lose such a pragmatic and obviously intelligent gentleman, and leave it in the hands of the REAL Fappers - you know, the dumbasses and oxygen thieves that will have sway over the world if beacons like yourself have the light snuffed out. So I challenge you to be a crutch for me and I will endeavour to do the same for you. Maybe we can exchange ideas and excuses to push on for a little longer. God knows I have no reason to do so, but I think that maybe you do... and it might be cool to see how you heal the wounds and get your mojo back. What say you?
Sounds good to me. So far I am on a 3 day streak. My goal, hope, and desire is to only share these intimate expressions with my wife. Masterbation, although practiced by many and generally thought of as normal, is not something I want to practice anymore. What are your goals?
