What the fuck is happening to me ? what the hell's my life been lately. Most of the people have some to-do tasks, some figured out, some figured progressively through the day. I don't have a task. Yeah! not a single one of it. I don't know what i was meant for. Everything i can do has been achieved already. Everything i can write here has been conveyed before. What a hell of a rut it has been lately. Damn! i wish so much i that i would've been different. my body my hair density that I'm all topsy turvy about for the past 4 fucking years. Why is my fucking face so small. Why i can't have the physique i want after even depriving all the treats and lazy evenings i avoid. Everybody's racing towards the end of the line but i don't even wanna move i just sit there looking to those people that race and it is literally everybody except me. I wanna die but i don't wanna leave anyone, don't wanna make anyone sad. I know i'm damn confused and i seriously don't know how i'm gonna live my life in the coming years. Life doesn't have an intrigue for me anymore. I have suppressed the needs to go out and enjoy so much that now when i did get a chance to do so i'm no longer excited for anything i can say. I often imagine myself looking that good that i want to and take decisions like that and live a part of my day feeling special. I have everything i could ask for but just the hair are ruining my life for me and i know it'll be worse after some years. I'm losing all the confidence in me, underestimating myself to the extent that i just give up on the thought to improve myself or to try to do something worthwhile in my life that i could be proud of. I've stomped over expectations of others y whole life and stomping on mine for a while now. I am not intrigued by anything in my day. Not learning hacking to not wanna play video games ( which, believe me i have a ton of). Maybe life was meant to be this demeaning and worthless for me, we'll never know. The ultimate goal for me will always be to look good. Honestly, i'll consider suiciding over this damn fuckin life i'm gonna live and regret for the rest of my life. I often wonder what people that were given the gift that i was deprived of would be doing right now, after a week, and so on. Life's not always what you make of it, most of the times it is what it is, how it's been presented to us, and not much we can do about it. I envy all the people around me though i know that's not right but yeah i do so. There is chaos inside my mind. I just clse my eyes and concentrate on all the thoughts i'm having and i can only see images of bad times just flashing in my mind and that too pretty fast. I wish life should be different. should be more appealing than this but what do i know, I have always seen the bad side of it.
I understand. You are feeling this way cause you feel like you are lacking the things that make you happy and confident. Nothing satisfies you and nothing can help you feel any better, because you don't have the things that you truly desire. You don't like the way you look which hinders your confidence and overall well-being. You need to understand that you aren't thinking clearly. There is nothing that can be given to you that will make you happy. Even if you suddenly acquired all the superficial and materialistic things you think you want, you wouldn't be happy. True happiness comes from inside you. And it shows itself in the form of self-acceptance. I've obsessed over every single body part in my body that a human being has about not being the way I wanted them to be. But it makes no sense to think that way. What is wrong with me, why am I the faulty one? If everything was the way I wanted them to be, I still wouldn't be happy. This is because I obsessed over things that had nothing wrong with them in the first place. The problem was in my head. You need to respect yourself. You aren't showing any love to the most important human in your life: you. If you killed yourself, at the last moment when you were still alive you would think "Why, why, why why did I do it, I can see all the good things now, and now I can't experience them anymore, why did it take this far for me to see them. I wish I hadn't done it. I want to live my life, but now its gone and over. For what?" Yeah for what? How sad would your parents be when they heard that their son was so stuck in his head and couldn't see the world clearly, that he just ended it all? Your parents didn't bring you into this world for this. It's so delusional to think that things would be better if you were just different. So short-sighted, so superficial and so disrespectful towards yourself. If you had been born differently, right now you could just as easily be here talking about how you don't like yourself or your features. No matter what, you can always find shit that bothers you. None of those things matter, it's in your head.
Your looks. Your time management. What your good at. What your bad at. How much money you have. How many clothes you own. What your face looks like. Or doesn't look like. Those things just don't matter. AT ALL. Your happiness is tied to your friends. Studies show that people with close friends are a million times happier than those rich, sexy models who are committing suicide by the dozens. They missed something. Find someone. Find anyone. Be their friend. Be their brother. Be their son. In doing that, I swear you will find more happiness than in looking good. I am a happy person. I wish to God you could see why. I have moments though. Moments where I would gladly stick a gun in my mouth and end it all. I've been there. Last Christmas I was so done I had a knife to my throat in the middle of the night. I just wanted it to end. I am a happy person. But I struggle with more depression than anyone I know. My acquaintances see me as the funny, happy guy, but I have my dark side. My thoughts kill me sometimes. My friends know that. It is not about what you look like to the people you meet, it is about how well your friends know you. I'm in college now. I wouldn't have lasted a week if it weren't for my friends. If you pulled the trigger. If you took that pill. If you slit your wrists. I swear to God you would regret it. You need to live. You might not see it now, but there are other people who NEED you to live. Their lives depend on it. Depend on you. I wish you the best. Because I know how you feel. Don't give up. Don't do it.
It's been fuzzy for so long man! I don't see any thing that'll make me feel better. What should I do? I'm so lost..
I had not done anything to myself just for the sake of people that'll be devastated if I'm not here anymore. But the mental pain's so great that I'm afraid or atleast I think that somewhere in my subconscious mind I know I'll take that final step and end it all. I don't want to end my life but at the same time I just cannot overcome these thoughts and live happily.
Hey bro. I love you. I want you to live. It hurts me to see the pain that your thoughts are causing you. I wish that this pain were over for you!!!!! The worst decision you could make though would be to end it. I'm going to post here every day until you are past that mental pain. Stay strong! I love you bro!
You gotta stop being so hard on yourself. You have a very pessimistic view of yourself. No-one else sees you the way you do. There are certain features you have that you can't change. But there are also many that you can change. When you improve those features, the unchangeable ones won't bother you.
I I feel like I'm holding back a lot. It's just this depression for me to overcome. Really appreciate the help man! You got THE thing to look for something good in people.
