Day 110+: Relapse is always near

Hey,

As a first I'm able to write a succes story. So here it goes.

My addiction started when I was around 13 years old. My parents where really emotionally unavailable due to a drinking addiction. I'm a very emotionally involved person so I couldn't cope with that. As a coping mechanism I instinctively turned off my emotions. I couldn't really feel any strong emotions, so when I discovered masturbation and porn a whole new world opened for me.

This escalated into a habit of PMOing whenever I was feeling a bit under the weather. When I was doing homework and would be struggling with a problem, I would PMO and afterwards surprisingly have the mental energy to pull through and finish the problem.

I never got into the really nasty stuff but mostly into role-play and later into hentai.
After a few years I noticed that my interest in certain women would change according to my interest in some porn. Like fases that I liked blondines and then brunettes, innocent looking vs arrogant. However I thought that was a funny consequence and didn't see my mind being influenced as a problem.

At the time I had a girlfriend who I had sex with a couple of times but I couldn't get good erections when having sex. When I did, I would be going on and on and couldn't finish while slowly getting limb.

At the same time I was smoking a lot of weed. Because of that I didn't really care for any opinions of others. So there was no social anxiety or other types of anxiety.

I started becoming paranoid when high, stopped smoking weed and my personality collapsed. I didn't have the weed to calm my nerves so I started getting social anxiety and such.

Somehow around 17-18 years old I connected the dots and realized that my PMO habit wasn't good. Back then i would PMO 3-4 times a day. Sometimes 3 times in a hour.

I started trying hard not to PMO, but relapsed countless of times. I did start doing more exercise and started more productive habits such as meditation. When my emotions slowly returned after stopping weed and my anxiety continued to increase I felt what I had done. Still, my mindset wasn't right so result was failure.

Then I tried for years having max streaks of 3 weeks. When I started at university last year I really noticed the impact. No motivation, social anxiety through the roof. Began having speech impairment due to confidence issues and ofcourse still PIED.

Around this time last year I almost had a relationship. During the 3 months I also didn't PMO but did have sex. I felt amazing, but when I quit dating her because of the anxiety that needed to be fixed and I got back into PMOing. still trying but no long streaks. That was the moment that I learned never to let your guard down, no matter how long I hadn't PMOed. Relapse is always near.

Now I haven't PMOed for 110+ days. The benefits have a standard. I don't always feel as amazing as in the beginning. However, my motivation and determination is amazing. I quit smoking cigarettes in tandem with Nofap, been having cold showers every morning. Studying 9am-6pm every day, doing music 2 hours a day. Learning myself to play the piano. My social anxiety has been subsiding and been able to speak my thoughts.
My speech however is still a bit off due to the bit of anxiety that is still there.

I'm currently seeing a girl who I tried having sex with last night but I still had PIED so we couldn't. I won't get discouraged but will keep trying. The porn pathways have weekend substantially and the habit is gone. Now is the time to rewire sex to reality.

The best thing is that my emotions a fully returning. As much as being able to find joy in morning coffee. Having to walk away when a really sweet guy in a movie gets murdered because I couldn't cope.

The emotions are so real and intense that sometimes I do collapse and can't deal with them. But for me this is the best benefit. I'm naturally a very emotional person and now I'm feeling alive again. I don't feel like I'm just observing, but really feeling a part of the moment.

Nofap is a never ending journey of self-help. The more effort you put into recovering and improving your life, the more results there will be. Improving my life has been covering half of my days for the last months. Doing yoga, meditation, mindfullness walks, music , exercise, learning about psychological mechanisms. The list goes on and on.

Somehow 4 months ago something clicked. I'm not sure what change happend in my mindset, but now I know that it is possible. Literally all of the aspects in my live are improving. Even the relationship with my parents.

Here are some tips that really helped me:
- Find out about the cause of the addiction. There is something that you are evading by doing PMO. I wanted to fix my anxiety and as a result also found the reason I was PMOing.

-Find satisfaction in putting effort in things you like. Studying, music, exercise and such. Try to relax mentally every time you do something.

-Do something creative so you won't get overflowed with emotional energy.

-COLD SHOWERS and meditation, definitely.

-Gratitude journal. Write down three things every morning that you're gratefull for.

-Never take Nofap for granted. I had a streak of 90 days before but still failed because of ignorance.

-Don't study at home. Go to the library or a coffeehouse.

-Don't be discouraged by PIED. Stopping PMO will only weaken the connections to porn. Having sex and failing multiple times is part of the rewiring process.

-When you do relapse, embrace the feeling. Feel the way your mental energy has been depleted. Try to remember this feeling everytime you think about PMO. Use that feeling of worthlessness as power.

 

The biggest thing I noticed was the lingering energy. I now have a constant stream of motivational energy that just keeps building when you don't spend it. But It gives this drive to keep doing things. Things can be everything you imagine. The energy is giving the motivation to clean your room, do the dishes, but even ask out a girl you've just met. The energy makes me not overcomplicate things in my head and just do. I don't sit around anymore feeling indecisive. When I think about doing something I just do it.

For me this meant a lot of music. Starting piano, singing, producing and songwriting. Now I'm somewhat addicted to making music, but there are worse addictions (Such as PMO)

This lingering energy however also led to my relapses in the past. If you let it build without spending it on productive things, the energy will overrun you and probably lead to a relapse.
Best way to spend the energy is by exercising. For me no amount of making music or such kept the energy in check. I haven't exercised for a week now due to a injury to my shoulder and i notice that I'm way less relaxed and that I'm even in an unnecessary hurry sometimes.

Another aspect of how my life improved is that I constantly have the urge to interact with women. This doesn't mean that I'm suddenly this ladies-man that all the women want to be with, but I like to think that I'm halfway just because I now want to speak to them. One thing I try in this case is talking to women without intention, just to get to know who it is. A name would be enough. This way I have less approach anxiety and it let's me not oversexualize them.

 

You can do it man! You get there before you know it!