Hello everyone, I thought I'd begin with a brief introduction. They say that most people seek help for an addiction after they hit rock bottom. My problem is that, like alot of people, I am a functioning pornography addict. Ostensibly, I have a good life: I am well educated, have a decent career, am in good physical shape, and am regarded as generally cheerful and optimistic. However, for over a decade now I have been leading a double life, one where my values and behaviours do not align. A constant lie which has robbed me of time, physical health, career development and money. Despite having a decent standard of living, I know I could do even better if I did not have this addiction. A very expensive way that my pornography has manifested itself is in phone sex and prostitutes, which has left me thousands of pounds in debt. Though manageable, I am having to pay off debts when I could otherwise be saving for a house and enjoying holidays etc. But I do not want to quit in order to save money: no, it is a matter of character. I don't like how this terrible vice widens the gulf between my life and my values. Those two things working together is, I believe, the key to a happy life. I am 35, unmarried and childless. I have not been able to maintain an erection during sex for longer the I care to remember and, a short while ago, having been unable to perform with a woman - my 'dream' woman - whom I had waited years to finally get together with, I fell into a deep depression after she left me for a friend of mine. Ever since I have started and failed numerous reboots and resolved that it is finally time to take action. I have used January as a kind of 'transition month' where I have afforded myself some leeway as I have sought to try various strategies, and not beat myself up too much if I failed. I have gained some valuable insights from this time which I will now try to implement, and have managed to reduce my habit to about once or twice a week. However, I am under no illusions: addiction is not determined by the frequency of your indulgence, but your inability to cast it aside, and I can never seem to make a full week of abstinence. But I'm ready now. More ready then I have ever been to leave behind this crippling vice which has taken so much and given so little, and reclaim my life. I've finally resolved to stop living a lie, and become the best possible version of myself. Considering that I am addicted to this behaviour, I cannot remember the last time I derived any pleasure from it. This is no longer sustainable. I must change. Thank you for reading, and I wish you all success on this shared journey of ours.
though I have been addicted for only 1 yr+ the issues are identical. just a few minutes ago, I posted this response in a very similar thread where someone was asking for help. rather than retype. I'll just link it here. let me know what you think
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to.my post. Yes, I have been reading up alot on the neurochemistry of addiction and how the dopamine rush that comes with the anticipation of indulgence overrides your rational faculties - hypofrontality. As such, during my reboot I am going to stay away from other cheap thrills and dopamine inducing stimulants. I will be drastically cutting down on watching YouTube videos, and cleaning up my diet, eating mainly whole plant-based foods and avoiding excessive coffee and alcohol. I will spend more time in immersive activities that challenge and reward me. I'm also being far more mindful of my triggers. Have you personally found success with any particular methods event comes to combating cravings? P.S...Regarding the video with the Brighton metaphor. I actually used to live in Brighton strangely enough haha. The metaphor is apt...
Yes for sure. YMMV but have I have found this VERY effective for me over the past 6 days. mostly what I learned last week in my own research, and a bit about what I already knew about meditation. I think it is important to understand the bio-chemistry first which you clearly do. quick comment thought on your dopamine. Dopamine is what your brain wants. Porn gives your brain the easiest fastest click click access to dopamine. So when you talk about eliminating dopamine producing activities (there are many such activities and some foods too) maybe rethink that. You want to rewire your brain (neural pathways) to no longer get that dopamine by making you THINK you HAVE to look at porn and then have an orgasm. You want to change what your brain motivates you to do the get dopamine, not starve it from dopamine producing activities. the porn is simply the bell for pavlovs dogs. (side note: Orgasm is the dopamine activity here, Having an orgasm is almost never bad thus almost always good for you) The above is my understanding (I am not a medical professional) p.s. funny about brighton. you must be on the right track ************************* NOTE: The breathing here is ABSOLUTELY critical. any previous experience or practice with meditation would be helpful but not required. If no experience with meditation, it would be helpful to google basic meditation or how to meditate, and spend some time learning about and practicing that over the next few days. this will ALL sorts of benefits both as part of breaking addiction to porn and other unrelated parts of your life. here is a simple 2 minute routine I have followed each and every time I feel even the hint of an urge or cravings 1) stop what you are doing , close your eyes, and take a deep (4sec) breath in through your nose. hold for 4 secs, let it out for 4 secs through your nose. Repeat once 2) As you continue breathing try to step outside yourself and sort of view yourself from a few feet away looking back at yourself. Step outside your own body and look back at the urge as something separate from you. and think carefully about this. How does the urge make your body feel? Does your heart rate go up? Do you feel a tension in your stomach? Observe all parts of your body that feel different with urges/cravings. Focus on what the change is and where 3) take a deep (4sec) breath in. hold for 4 secs, let it for 4 secs. repeat 4) This step is better to discuss when you have mastered the others, but you are an intelligent dude, so I'll put it out there and you decide when its time to roll this in. It;s about the first video about the Map. What you are doing in step 1-3 is basically interrupting the neural pathways in your brain that have developed from watching porn. So in step #4 and for a minute or two focus on something else. You need to build some new pathways of activity. Guess what... you get to decide what this new activity is. How cool is that ? This could be any positive change you want to see in your life. For me it was strengthening the relationship with my wife. So in this step, I focus on how to romance my wife and let her know how much I love her (NOTHING to do with sex). How much I love her smile and her hair, etc etc. How happy I am that were are married. I found this to be pretty powerful and almost overnight started to change how I interact with here. But this could be "I want to exercise everyday", "I want to take up this new hobby", " I want to get an 'A' in all my classes" , "I want to date more" <---- careful with that one. do not morph that into anything sexual, focus your brain on the fun romantic part of dating . maybe even a specific girl you would like to flirt with and how much fun flirting would be and how you would do it, how pretty her eyes are, her smile. again DO NOT turn this into anything sexual. if your mind turns to anything sexual and you start thinking about "other" parts of her body and gets stuck there then maybe stay with excercise or hobby option for now
Welcome, Kepla. I am around your age and also a functional addict, despite the addiction. In fact, because I was not obviously impacted in terms of career, education, dating, and family, it took a long time for me to even recognize that I had a problem. I'm realizing now that the only difference between me and anyone else on this board, even those who have got sucked into extreme P and risky or criminal behaviors, is luck. P has a deep hold on me and it's only luck that things weren't worse for me. Wish you the best.
Thanks for the advice particularly RE the dopamine thing. I think I was trying to say that I want to derive pleasure from deep, meaningful and immersive activities rather than, say, mindlessly surfing YouTube or eating junk food. But I realise I can't be disciplined 100% of time in 100% of things so o do need an outlet. I'm trying to take some solace from the fact that I have been working out solidly for about 4-5 years now and have reaped the rewards. I'm trying to apply some of those lessons. Thanks for the meditation and breathing routine. I've been reading up on mindfulness and alot of people are attesting to its benefits.
Thanks Ghost (interesting name, btw!). I know what you mean. In many ways I would have preferred to have had a rock bottom moment such as losing my job, as it least then I would have been compelled to confront the problem. But it's getting to the point where I can no longer live with this dual persona, and I can no longer defer the life I want to live. I know that if I continue it is probably only a matter of time before I do something risky and potentially criminal. It's strange, during my last porn binge, I was on autopilot. I almost fapped out of a sense of duty, with no sense of enjoyment. It seems crazy that I am wasting so much time, energy and money on an activity which not only does not enhance my life but which I don't actually enjoy.
