I stumbled across these forums last night because I could not sleep and I was having a real “come to Jesus” talk with myself. There are so many things that I have to admit to myself because I never thought I’d be the one saying it. I am in my mid 30s now. I’m a successful man, professionally speaking. I have decent friends and I am well respected in my company. I currently see a woman who frankly worships the ground I walk on and is constantly talking to me about wanting to marry me. The crux to all of this is that I am addicted to P (I see that everyone abbreviates the word on these forums so I’m just trying to follow suit- if anyone can take the time to explain the etiquette, I’d appreciate it). I’ve masturbated on the regular since I was about 19 or 20. But this became an everyday thing. Multiple times a day. Unfortunately, I’m the kind of person who always catches on to things later on in life. I’d always tell myself that I could quit when I want to. And I always laughed off P addiction since I can remember because I just kind of always approached it as “I can stop when I want”. Then I realized that this is exactly what addicts say. And now that I’m not playing the young mans game anymore, I’ve begun to prepare myself for the acceptance that this is a full blown addiction. And I’m affraid. I got the courage to join and look for support by reading many stories here find some sense of comfort knowing that I’m not alone- but I really wish everyone here much love and the best. My habits- the times a day I do the deed with myself varies. On a normal work day, I get home and at night I might go 2-3 times. The next morning before showing for work, I have to sneak one in but at times it can take 30-45 minutes due to the fact I feel zero sensitivity. On a weekend or multiple days of, sometimes I might go 5-7 times. All of this is compounded when I began to smoke marijuana 3-4 years ago. At first I started smoking due to old injuries that get worse as I get older. But I now admit that I do it to do the deed with myself when I get high bc it’s the only semblance of feeling I get. On top of all of this, I’m a pretty heavy guy. I used to be in shape but was nearly crippled in an accident some years back. I’m legitimately fighting like 3 wars here: self gratification, smoking, and weight loss. I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean a thousand miles from the closest person and I still am trying to scream. My Sexual Attitudes My sex life has taken a beating. I still date and talk to women and still manage to land a few- I still have a personality- but HATE the way I think about women because I have sex on the mind a lot. I guess I don’t want to get too graphic, but there are times where my normal everyday work is interrupted with these intrusive and really rough and degrading daydreams I have of women. And I know that this stems from the fact that the addiction gets worse and you start looking for more and more thrills. Then one day you get into the choking, spitting, slapping- it starts to bleed into everyday life and there are times where I don’t feel human anymore. I have never been so low in my life. I pray that this is a nightmare and that I wake up. I didn’t know that I could be imprisoned this way. I want to have normal relations with a woman and even have children. I don’t want to fight this anymore.
All this time I’ve been spelling it out but I might just start using P instead. Sometimes just seeing the word spelled out could be slightly triggering I suppose. I think I’m similar to you in this way. Ever since I was young it seems I catch on to new things later than most people do. I did the exact same thing. I’d convince myself that what I was doing was not a problem because I could quit anytime. Well, I was very mistaken. Again, we’re similar here too. I’m fighting the P addiction, I smoke weed but I’ve stopped because I was abusing it and I’m also fighting to lose weight. I definitely let myself go both mentally and physically. This seems to be a near universal experience for P addicts. Escalation into stranger or more hardcore P is the telltale sign of P addiction. I might want this as well, I don’t know yet to be honest. I need to fix myself before I can honestly give this some clear thought. I know but sadly you do. You have to fight your addiction but don’t despair because we’re here to help you and encourage you every step of the way.
I feel you man, and welcome to the forums! I have experienced some things that you have, my fantasies got out of control as well. Depending on my mood when I wanted my fix, if I wanted to get done really fast, I would look up hardcore P. Almost like degrading scenes also with the slapping and humiliation. And I have to admit, with it being 93 days now, and thinking back on looking at that, I still get a rush and have to fight the temptations to go back to it. It has improved some though! The thoughts still come, but so far I’ve been able to tell myself no when it has came to “doing the deed” like you say. My thoughts about women have cleaned up some. I still check them out, and lust after them sometimes. But it’s been a cleaner lust? Like I imagine myself kissing them and us touching intimately. Some says it’s still not healthy.. but one thing at a time maybe? So there is hope for you! For me it’s been a verrry slow process. Some people say they are healed by now. But I’m 30 and have been doing the deed more than half my life. Plus I haven’t been having sex with a real woman right now, some people say that helps your brain rewire faster. I am separated from my wife, and we also were not having sex hardly at all, we have issues we are trying to work on, and our intimacy was one of them. Everyone always says the first step is your 90 day reboot. Some will say go hardmode which is with no ejaculation at all, no P or any visually stimulating material, and DO NOT edge. Don’t touch yourself at all. If your in a relationship though, imo it’s up to you. You could talk to your girlfriend about your problems and go hard mode. Or you could just continue to have any sexual release only with her. If that was a option for me, that’s what I would have done. It seems like most guys go hard mode if they are having ED. If you don’t have a problem getting it up, I would just go a regular 90 day reboot. Do not touch yourself or watch P, maybe even get rid of social media as well. It’s a very very hard road. But everyone says it’s so worth it. I’m still waiting to see.. but I have noticed some minor improvements in myself. Best of luck to you man!!
Thank you so much for commiserating with me. I am 24 hours clean. I know the sense of pride now is only like that rush you get when you land the first punch in a fight- I’m morw worried about what’s to come. But I was wondering if you could elaborate on “hard mode”. I’m new to the community and I’m learning the different terminology for different concepts and this is the first I’ve heard of it. This morning I was able to test some of this out during a medical appointment. I kept telling myself “this isn’t who I am anymore” and it helped me from having some really dark thoughts about some of the older nurses there. They were really well kept for their ages and unfortunately that is one of my triggers when watching P- rough treatment/older women. But I’m proud of how I handled this for now. Thank you again!
Thank you for commiserating! It brought a sense of relief that someone in the world knows what I’m trying to say. Despite the cries of help I’ve read here, this community is giving me a sense of relief because for so long I labored under the thought that I was alone or that im the only one who got these intrusive thoughts. But it’s really giving me a fighting chance to know that others are fighting the same war. I wish you much peace!
Absolutely. Hard mode is when you refrain from any sexually contact at all, from yourself and even your girlfriend. So you do not touch yourself, no one touches you, no sexual contact at all for 90 days. And obviously no P either, or any of type of material that turns you on to look at. So no porn, masturbation, or orgasm at all. Do not touch yourself and try to edge, that generally just makes things worse. But in my opinion, if your in a sexual relationship and it’s healthy, if you can have sex I would. Some say, and I agree, that normal sexual contact with the opposite sex helps your brain rewire faster. Just stay away from P and do not touch yourself at all, let her do it.
Thank you for clarifying. When I decided to try this, honestly my goal is just to be able to have a regular sexual encounter. I mean, I wouldn’t mind trying hard mode if I didn’t have a companion. But if I can make it work with her, I’m going for it.
I don’t have a partner currently so I’m doing this on my own. If you have a woman in your life, you definitely need to “rewire” with her as much as you can, in my opinion.
Most of the words and abbreviations we use are explained in The Glossary (top of the page). Here is the link: https://www.nofap.com/glossary
